How Could I Ever Know
by krazykitkat
Summary: Sometimes choices bring you full circle. - CJ pov (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (1/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
ARCHIVE: Sure, but please ask first.  
FEEDBACK: Much appreciated.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Two and a half years and nearly 46000 words...and I'm terrified about posting it. A lot of effort and hair tearing and agony has gone into this, and it's really only half of the story. But I don't want it to be another two years before I can post the full thing, and this is really long enough for the moment. Plus, not much point in continuing if no one's interested.  
As I started writing during season 3, some later episodes altered the canon I was balancing on. I considered changes to deal with it, but decided those parts were too important. So, for the purpose of this story, most of season 4 and 5, except for re-election, never happened. Sam's still here and CJ's mother, Moira Cregg, is living with Tal in Napa (and Moira is mine!). Deal with it.  
THANKS: Most thanks have to go to the magnificent Rhonda: for editing, being my sounding board, giving opinions and sometimes paragraphs, coping with my many anxiety attacks, talking me down when I was going to delete it, and pushing me when needed. Thanks also to Kat for her help and support, as well as Angie, Kate, Amabel, Jordan, and my Mum. Hope I haven't forgotten anybody.  
SUMMARY: Sometimes choices bring you full circle.  
  
-------  
She slowly got out of bed. To her relief he didn't stir, his breathing remaining relaxed and steady. She felt around for clothing, finding his boxers and shirt. They'd keep her warm enough.  
  
She retreated to sit on her wide bedroom windowsill, the lights of D.C. comforting in their familiarity. She leaned her head back against the wood frame and drew her knees up to her chest.  
  
'You're an idiot,' she silently berated herself.  
  
She had been going to tell him earlier, but all her intentions had fled as soon as he'd touched her, replaced by the urgent need to have him within her. A need fulfilled, yet leaving her emptier than ever.  
  
She turned to look at him. His face was hidden in shadow, but she didn't need to see it. His features were branded into her brain. Those twinkling eyes that told her more than his words could ever hope to; the mouth ranging in expression from the infuriating smirk to the seductive smile--features that would soon be shaped by contempt and betrayal.  
  
A wave of dizziness forced her eyes closed and her head forward to rest on her knees. An indeterminate period of time passed before she heard a concerned voice.  
  
"CJ? What are you doing?"  
  
She pulled her head up as he touched her shoulder. She couldn't prevent a snort at the image of him wearing her bathrobe.  
  
He smiled. "Yeah, well, your blouse is too small. Just be glad I didn't try on your underwear." He caressed her cheek, before sitting on the windowsill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees, before rubbing her legs. "You're cold. Come back to bed and I'll warm you up." He separated her knees and kissed the inside of each, his beard arousing her nerve endings.  
  
She stifled a whimper and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He captured her hands and brought them to his lips. She knew she had to regain control before they made love again. She pulled her arms back and crossed them over her chest. "I need to tell you something."  
  
"What have you been ruminating on in the wee small hours?"  
  
Her stomach threatened to rebel and she breathed deeply to calm it. Best to get it over and done with quickly. "I'm pregnant."  
  
Wonder and joy hijacked his face, a huge grin and dancing eyes, followed by an excited, "Really?"   
  
He didn't give her time to reply as he jumped to his feet, pulling her with him. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding her close, before sliding down her body and kissing her stomach.  
  
Her resolve nearly crumbled. She shut her eyes tight, willing her brain to take command. She opened them when she felt his hands on her cheeks.  
  
His expression was concerned. "CJ. We're going to be okay. I know you're worried about our jobs, but we can deal with it." The smile reappeared. "We're having a baby."  
  
She stepped back, breaking the skin contact. "We're not having a baby." Her voice was remarkably steady.  
  
"What?" His brain worked overtime and his mouth wasn't far behind. "You don't mean--can we talk about this first? If you really don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, I'll respect your wishes--"   
  
"No, that isn't it."  
  
"Well, you've confused me totally."  
  
She took a deep breath and forced herself to look him straight in the eyes. "What I'm trying to tell you is that we're not having a baby. I am. You're not the father, Danny."  
  
His face crumpled in shock. "The baby's not mine? But..." The realization hit him and he backed away until his legs touched the bed and he slumped down on it. He stared at the floor for a few seconds before returning his gaze to hers. "You're having an affair?" he whispered.  
  
She was uncomfortable towering over him, but her feet wouldn't move. "Not exactly."  
  
"Then what exactly? Stop playing word games, CJ." Anger and tears competed for supremacy within him.  
  
"It was a one night thing."  
  
"Who? When?"  
  
She twisted her hands together. "Mark something. I don't know his last name. Five weeks ago."  
  
His anger won out. "I was away for a week and you fucked some stranger?"  
  
She physically recoiled from his words and collapsed on the windowsill. "I'm sorry." She struggled to hold back her own tears.  
  
"It's a bit late for that. If it wasn't for the--" He gestured to her stomach. "Would you have told me?"  
  
She bit down hard on her lip to stop a sob and wrapped her arms over her stomach.  
  
"I have to get out of here." He sounded lost.  
  
"Danny."  
  
"No!" He put his hands up to stop her. "Just shut up, CJ. I don't want to hear any more." He stood and started gathering his clothes, keeping his back to her. "I need the rest of my clothes."  
  
"Okay." She pulled off the boxers and shirt, replacing them with the robe he'd flung onto the bed. "There," she whispered, as she threw them to him and turned around.  
  
She watched his reflection in the window. He dressed within a minute and left without a glance at her. The door to her apartment slammed behind him.  
  
Her body began to shudder violently as she let the tears loose. Within minutes her stomach declared its intentions and she only just made it to the toilet. Exhaustion set in after the dry heaves. She only had enough energy to reach for a glass of water to rinse out her mouth, before curling up on the bathroom mat. Her hands automatically settled over her stomach as she cried herself to sleep.  
  
------  
  
She called in sick later in the morning, claiming stomach flu. Leo offered to send someone around to check on her, but she talked him out of it. The last thing she needed was to break down in front of a concerned friend.  
  
The day was spent alternating between the bed and the bathroom floor. There was an occasional side trip to the kitchen, followed by a rapid return to the toilet. She gave up after the third attempt.  
  
She lay on what had become his side of the bed. His scent teased her nose and his arms wrapped around her, his lips on her skin, his hand moving down to rest over the baby. He traced slow, teasing circles over her stomach, his mouth pressed against her throat, before his hand slipped down to her thighs. She parted her legs and he accepted the invitation. Her eyes closed and her breath quickened in step with his touch. She pushed against him, wanting him in contact with every possible square inch of her skin.  
  
"Danny," she whispered.  
  
And he was gone, leaving her hanging over the precipice. She pulled her legs up and curled into a ball as the tears returned.  
  
------  
  
She leaned across to thump her clock, but the bells continued. Her conscious mind surfaced and ordered her hand to pick up the phone.  
  
"Hello?" she muttered.  
  
"CJ!"  
  
"Piss off, Joshua." She squinted at the clock. It was either 2:47 or 3:47. Her clock had been knocked off the bedside table a few times too many and refused to show the bottom half of the hour number in protest.  
  
"That's not very nice."  
  
His chirpy tone was giving her a headache. "I'm not feeling very nice." Her voice was slightly slurred, probably due to the fact she couldn't feel her tongue.  
  
"You really don't sound well."  
  
"You don't say." Okay, don't yell. It only makes your head explode. Quieter. "I was wondering why I called in sick. Thanks for letting me know."  
  
"Your sarcasm is still intact, so you can't be too sick."  
  
She closed her eyes and rubbed her hand over her forehead. "No, I'm not too sick. I've just thrown up a few hundred times since early this morning, flushed my stomach around 6am, threw up a lung at 8:45 and lost my pancreas about an hour ago. At least I think it was my pancreas. Could have been a kidney."  
  
"Ummm, CJ. That's really..."   
  
She would have laughed if she'd had any energy left. "What do you want?"  
  
There was a few seconds silence. She could picture him squirming. "Nothing. I'm in a kind of lull, so I thought I'd--"   
  
"Annoy me?"  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of cheering you up."  
  
A little smile appeared. He could be terribly sweet at times. But she didn't want that at the moment. "Is Donna there?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Please put her on."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just do it."  
  
"DONNA!"  
  
She held the receiver away from her ear at his bellow. Mumbled explanations followed before she heard Donna's voice.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"Hi, Donna. Could you please make sure your charge does not call me again today? Otherwise I'm going to have to take desperate measures."  
  
Donna laughed. "Of course. He'll have to ask before he's allowed to touch the phone." Josh could be heard complaining. "How are you?"  
  
"I'd be a lot better if my stomach would stay above empty."  
  
"You tried some dry crackers or toast?"  
  
CJ rubbed her stomach. "Yeah. They're probably floating in the Atlantic by now."  
  
"Just try a couple of bites every half hour or so. Don't try to eat too much at once. And make sure you drink plenty of liquids."  
  
"Thank you, Doctor Moss." CJ felt the first genuine smile of the day on her lips.   
  
"Do you want me to come and see you?"  
  
She almost said yes. "No, it's okay. Thanks, though. I don't want you to catch it. Probably just a twenty-four hour bug."  
  
"I could do with a day off. Call me if you need anything."  
  
"Thank you, Donna. If I don't turn up or call in tomorrow, come by. You'll find what's left of my body on the bathroom floor. Could you put the idiot back on?" CJ waited until she heard Josh's hesitant 'Hi'. "Joshua Marie. I'll see you tomorrow." In a lower voice she made her apologies. "Thanks for checking up on me."  
  
"Look after yourself, Claudia Jean."  
  
She pulled herself out of bed and wandered over to the windowsill. Making herself comfortable, she leaned her head against the window, placed her hands on her stomach and began to formulate contingency plans.  
  
------  
  
"CJ!"  
  
She stopped at his door. "Hey, Mi Amor."  
  
"You sound more like yourself." Josh rose from behind his desk and walked over to her.  
  
She leaned against his door frame, placing her briefcase at her feet. "As opposed to the bitch from yesterday?" She returned his smile. They could never stay mad at each other for long.   
  
He studied her face. "I don't want you to bite my head off, but you don't look--"  
  
She reached out and placed her hand on his chest. "I know. But I really am much better. You don't need to worry about me." She grinned to reassure him. "Besides, the gaggle always goes easy on me when I look like I'm about to collapse. I'd better go before Carol sends out a search party."  
  
CJ spent half the morning deflecting concern over her health and the other half catching up on what she'd missed. She was nibbling on her umpteenth cracker when Carol reminded her that the first briefing was in ten minutes. Her stomach protested and she breathed deeply to calm it.  
  
"Henry or Simon can do it."  
  
"I'm okay, Carol."  
  
She knew she couldn't avoid the press room for good, the best course of action was to confront it. Her stomach was doing its best to counter that argument, but her head took control once again. By the time she walked in front of the cameras she was surprisingly calm and her mask was in place.  
  
It was a slow news day, only a few easily answered questions after she'd dispensed with the announcements. He never said a word and kept his attention focused on his notebook. She caught his gaze early in the briefing and had to swallow a gasp. She prayed for a flash of anger, grief, hate would even do. Any emotion was preferable to the vacant stare.  
  
At the end of the briefing, she watched him hurry back to his desk without looking at her.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
She turned to Carol. "Yeah?"  
  
"You okay? You're really pale."  
  
"I'm fine." CJ walked out into the corridor, Carol trailing behind her. "On second thought--"   
  
She shoved her folder into Carol's hands and made it to the bathroom just in time.  
  
The remainder of the week settled into a pattern. Get out of bed, throw up, drag herself into work and try to make it through the day without throwing up again. Much to her relief, the Senior Staff put it down to the remnants of the flu.  
  
Briefings still presented a challenge to her composure. Danny asked his usual questions and was back to being all business when he looked at her. She wasn't sure whether to envy him or be angry with him. Friday morning saw her muffle a sigh of relief when he didn't arrive at the first briefing. By the second his absence started to worry her. All sorts of scenarios worked through her brain and she sprinted to the bathroom after the final briefing.  
  
Her office was occupied when she returned.  
  
"The lid's on, Leo."  
  
"I know." He sat on her couch, his concerned Papa Bear expression in place. "Still sick?"  
  
She slumped into her office chair. "A bit."  
  
"Why don't you take the whole weekend off? Henry and Simon can cover and I'll only call you in if the world's about to end." He rose and crossed to stand in front of her desk.  
  
CJ bit her lip. She really needed to center and calm her mind and stomach. But the idea of being alone with herself for two days wasn't appealing.  
  
"I can make it an order."  
  
She shifted her gaze from Gail to Leo. "Okay. Thanks."  
  
"If you're still sick on Monday, see a doctor." He walked towards the door.  
  
"Yes, Dad."  
  
Turning back to her, he smirked. "Go home, CJ."  
  
------  
  
Home was the last place she wanted to be by lunch time on Saturday. The day had started as usual, hanging over the toilet. A cleaning frenzy followed, but she only disturbed memories of Danny. Dancing a very bad vertical tango through the living room and into her bedroom, where it tilted into a very good horizontal tango; cooking breakfast together, toast burning as their attention was distracted; long, leisurely baths exploring, touching, feeling.  
  
The breaking point was the discovery of one of Danny's shirts under a pile of clothes. Remnants of his cologne still clung to the material, stirring her emotions as she hugged it to her chest. She sat cross-legged on the floor at the end of her bed and rocked as the tears flowed.  
  
She needed to get out, escape from the past. Pulling herself up, she placed the shirt in a bottom drawer and quickly dressed.  
  
Where to go? Somewhere with plenty of people to distract her, preferably strangers. West Potomac Park was a logical destination. The cherry blossoms around the Tidal Basin were just past their peak bloom in the second week of April, but the Park was still a magnet for tourists.  
  
She wandered along the water's edge, the strong perfume overpowering the remnants of Danny's scent. It was a perfect spring day, the sun reflecting off the water causing her to squint, even with sunglasses. A light breeze set occasional petals free, catching in her hair.  
  
Lunch beckoned and she found a quiet spot sitting on a blanket of fallen blossoms, facing the water. She watched the action on the footpath as she ate, her vision subconsciously drawn to young children and their parents. Picturing herself with a baby was difficult and slightly amusing. The President and Leo were parents; the thought of joining their select club was daunting. She'd never given serious thought to children, her career had been her focus and as for her relationship track record--there'd been some good sex, but no genes she'd think once, let alone twice, about reproducing with. Then she'd fallen for the one man she wasn't allowed to have.  
  
The decision was made from the moment the doctor had confirmed her suspicions a week ago. She had no one but herself to blame, the self pity needed to stop. If she wanted to keep this quiet for a few more weeks she had to act as normally as possible. Jumping down people's throats when they had no inkling of her situation wasn't fair.  
  
Her arms settled protectively over her stomach. All she had to do was follow Danny's example.  
  
------  
  
Her resolution lasted until mid-afternoon Monday.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
She looked up to see Carol holding a sheet of paper. "Yeah?"  
  
"The Post is asking for credentials to be approved for a new reporter."  
  
"The Washington Post?"  
  
Carol nodded.  
  
Reaching out to take the paper, CJ commented, "Don't they have enough here?" She quickly scanned the details. "When do they want him to start?"  
  
"Monday. Apparently the Post didn't think anyone here was good enough to step into Danny's job, so they're transferring this guy in."  
  
CJ barely registered anything beyond the mention of Danny. All of her concentration was fixed on keeping her eyes dry and her stomach calm. A touch on her shoulder and Carol's concerned tone allowed reality back in.  
  
"Do you know where Danny's going?" CJ kept her eyes locked on the sheet of paper and silently cursed her shaky voice.  
  
Carol sounded surprised at the inquiry. "Editor's job in San Francisco. He had the final interview on Friday. You sure you're okay?"  
  
Pasting on a smile, CJ looked up. "I'm fine. You know what to do." She handed the form back to Carol, dismissing her. The door closing was the cue for her body to shake and the tears to flow.  
  
------  
  
Autopilot was engaged for the rest of the week. Emotions were allowed freedom only in the sanctuary of her apartment. Morning sickness extended its hold into the night; she was only keeping down one meal a day.  
  
Yet, somehow she still functioned and no one asked her what was wrong. Definitely Oscar-worthy material.  
  
Friday arrived and she had to mention him at the end of the last briefing. "And before we go, the White House would like to wish the Washington Post's Danny Concannon good luck in his new job." She kept her eyes trained on a point directly above his head. "Danny has been a White House correspondent for ten years and the Senior Correspondent for the last four. He's terrorized five Press Secretaries during that time with his insightful, demanding and often just plain weird questions."  
  
She paused as laughter and clapping filled the room. Several reporters surrounding Danny shook his hand. Her gaze dropped and met his, the sadness she glimpsed leaving her shaken. It was only for a second though as he switched back to business mode.  
  
CJ wasn't quite as adept and had to cough before she could speak again. Still looking directly at him, she finished, "You will be missed."  
  
Danny gave a little nod in acknowledgement.   
  
A deep breath and she was ready to escape. "Okay, the lid is on. Have a good weekend."  
  
The sanctuary of her office beckoned, but a side trip to the bathroom was mandatory. By then her space had been invaded.   
  
Dropping her briefing folder onto her desk, she spoke without facing the intruder. "Did I miss the memo listing my office as party central last thing on Fridays?"  
  
"I thought your office was always party central."  
  
"What do you want, Josh?" She turned to find him holding out a thick bundle of paper. "No! Absolutely not!" CJ quickly moved to put her desk between them. "I am going home, not reading reports."  
  
"It needs to be done by tomorrow." Josh was trying out his pleading little boy face, but she wasn't going to fall for it.  
  
"Tomorrow's Saturday. Why does it have to be done by then?"  
  
"Because it's already late."  
  
She sighed, knowing she was going to end up reading it, but not quite willing to end the argument. "When was it supposed to be done?"  
  
"Last weekend." Josh shuffled his feet.  
  
"And you've had all week to give it to me."  
  
"I tried several times, but you were always busy." He deposited it in front of her. "I'm sorry, CJ. But it has to be done. The top sheet lists what's needed."  
  
She fought to hold back the tears, damn hormones. "Okay, fine. Let me get to it."  
  
"Do you want me to order you some dinner?"  
  
Her stomach protested at the mere mention of the word. "No, thanks." She grabbed the first page and didn't look up as he left.  
  
Several hours after the sun had set and Carol had gone home, she was still reading. Her back started to ache and tiredness seeped into every muscle. CJ stood and walked out into Carol's office and back. The couch beckoned, but she resisted. She only had an hour or so left on the report; if she sat down on the couch she wouldn't get up again.  
  
Turning to walk another circuit of the offices, CJ collided with a body. She moved one hand immediately to protect her stomach, the other to brace herself against him. He dropped a small object as his hand settled over her stomach and his other arm around her body.  
  
Concern clouded his eyes before he slammed down the shutter and effected a neutral expression. He removed his hands as if scalded and stepped back, leaving her to stifle a whimper at the loss of contact.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
She worked hard to steady herself. "It's okay. I should have watched where I was going. I wasn't expecting anyone."  
  
"Yeah. I just came by to give Gail something." Danny indicated the parcel he'd picked up off the floor. "Hope it's okay. I thought you would've gone by now." He walked over to the fish in question.  
  
She was left standing by the door, upset at the knowledge he'd been going to leave without saying goodbye. 'What the hell did you expect? Flowers and one more screw for the road?' Closing her office door, she bit her lip then turned and moved towards him.  
  
"I had a report dumped on me at the last minute."  
  
"It didn't break." Danny held up a newspaper ornament. "Do you mind?"  
  
"No." She watched him closely as he replaced the cherry tree ornament with his farewell gift. The skillful hands which knew every inch of her and how to bring her to and over the edge; the strong shoulders she'd clung to; the curls at the nape of his neck. She resisted the urge to twine them around her fingers, but her mouth took on a life of its own. "You don't have to leave."  
  
He snorted. "You've got to be joking!" Gail gulped at his fingertips and he softly stroked her before withdrawing his hand.  
  
She grabbed a small towel she kept for dealing with Gail's bowl and handed it to him.   
  
"You expect me to stay here and watch?" He waved the towel at her abdomen. "Maybe it makes me a Neanderthal, but I can't be here. I just can't." Throwing the towel onto her desk, he walked towards the couch.  
  
CJ hugged her arms around her body. "I'm so sorry, Danny."  
  
With his back still to her, he replied, "For what? Fucking him or being caught out? You could have at least used a condom, then I would've been none the wiser."  
  
"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered, as the words struggled with the tears to escape.   
  
"And yet you did." Danny turned around, his mouth tight trying to contain his own emotions. "Just as well you told me last week. I was about to interview for an editor's job in international news at the Post."  
  
She couldn't stifle a sob at that revelation. Her desk was the only thing keeping her from collapsing.  
  
"Yeah. I was going to get rid of the conflict of interest completely. We'd have been able to be together without looking over our shoulders. Wouldn't I have felt like a fool? Or would you've passed the baby off as mine? Because you could have, I would never have guessed." He emitted a strangled laugh as a tear rolled down his face.  
  
CJ pushed herself off the desk and reached out to brush his cheek.  
  
Danny flinched and sidestepped to avoid her touch. "Don't. Just don't." His voice gained a hard edge. "Did you love me at all, or was I just an easy and willing source of sex?"  
  
The protest died on her lips as he cut her off. "Actually don't answer that. Let me preserve at least part of the delusion." His mouth twisted into a cruel smile. "You are great in bed. I'm sure Mark Something got his money's worth, plus a little bonus."  
  
Fighting the twin urges to throw up and collapse, CJ had no energy left over to speak or even sob. Tears glided silently over her cheeks as she clenched her hands.  
  
The anger bled out of his face, leaving behind confusion and hurt. He looked around, lost for a moment, before finding the door. Pointing to it, he stammered, "I--I need to go--leave. Good luck with everything." He paused and held his hand out in the direction of her stomach. "I hope the--the baby does well."  
  
Her voice fought its way out. "Thanks. Good luck with the job and San Francisco." There was so much more to be said, but they were the only words she knew.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Their gazes held for a few seconds, before the ragged edges of shattered trust and dreams tore them apart. She lowered her head, not willing to watch him walk out of her life. The click of the door closing sparked sensations of claustrophobia. That damn report could wait one more day; she needed to get out of there.  
  
A call was made to the cab company; she was in no fit state to drive. Honestly, she didn't care if she made it home in one piece, but she wouldn't risk the tiny creature relying on her.  
  
Complete exhaustion spread through her body as she closed her apartment door. She dragged herself into a hot shower, trying to scrub away the shame and disgust. All she achieved was tender skin and a sore throat and head from muffled sobbing.  
  
Walking naked into her bedroom, she opened a drawer and pulled out his shirt. She winced as the material came into contact with the results of her rough treatment. His scent made her dizzy and her fingers fumbled with the buttons.  
  
Cocooned within his arms, she collapsed into bed and released the flood gates.   
  
------   



	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (2/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------   
Eight days.   
  
Wasn't this supposed to get easier?  
  
He haunted her sleep. She felt him moving within her, his hands stroking her skin, heard him whisper her name as they soared, smelt his cologne, tasted his lips.  
  
Waking hours weren't any easier. Several times during briefings she'd nearly called his name. Red hair had become a source of fascination. She was slightly concerned she was giving Margaret the wrong idea.  
  
"Ms. Cregg."  
  
CJ looked up to see her gynecologist walking towards her.  
  
"Sorry for the delay. I'm the receptionist, nurse and doctor on Saturday afternoons." Dr. Martin smiled in apology.  
  
"It's fine. It's one of the reasons I come to you. Your hours are nearly as bad as mine," CJ replied.   
  
Dr. Martin had been highly recommended by a number of women on the Hill and in the White House when CJ was looking for a new doctor after moving to D.C.. While CJ had only had a couple of appointments with her, Dr. Martin had made her feel very comfortable.  
  
"Come through."  
  
CJ followed the shorter dark-haired woman into her office and sat down.  
  
"I have a note here that this is an obstetrical consultation. So I'll start by asking some questions and checking your medical history." Dr. Martin began to take notes. "You've had a pregnancy test and seen your doctor to confirm it?"  
  
CJ nodded.  
  
"What was the date of the first day of your last menstrual period, and did your doctor give you an expected date of delivery?"  
  
"February 27, and he said around December 6," CJ answered, watching as Dr. Martin made some quick calculations.  
  
"Sounds about right." The doctor looked up at her. "It's only an estimate; most deliveries take place up to ten days either side of that date. Any idea of the approximate date of conception?"  
  
"Possibly the week starting March 12."  
  
"Okay. We date the pregnancy from the last period, so you're eight and a half weeks. Have you had any previous pregnancies, either going to full-term, or ending in miscarriage or termination?"  
  
CJ shook her head. "No, this is the first."  
  
Dr. Martin shuffled through her file. "I have a note here that you were taken off the Pill by your previous gynecologist six years ago due to high blood pressure and changed to using a diaphragm. I checked the fit of the diaphragm eleven months ago when you last saw me for a pap smear. Were you still using the diaphragm each time you had sex?"  
  
"Without fail," CJ snorted. "Obviously it wasn't as reliable as I was."  
  
"Unfortunately it isn't as reliable as the Pill. Weight change can affect the fit. You didn't lose or gain more than ten pounds in the last eleven months?"  
  
"The only weight change I've had has been in the last two weeks. I'm barely keeping anything down."  
  
"You didn't have any problems with morning sickness before six weeks?"  
  
"Not really," CJ replied. "I graduated straight to throwing up morning and night. Between that and my bladder, I spend half my time within sprinting distance of a toilet."  
  
"Were there any added stresses around six weeks?"  
  
CJ clenched her hands in her lap. "You could say that."  
  
"Stress can definitely increase the severity of morning sickness." Dr. Martin smiled reassuringly. "But it should start to get easier over the next month or two. We'll keep an eye on it, especially if you lose too much weight or become dehydrated. Try eating say five to six smaller meals, rather than three main meals. Keep the food healthy and if you find certain foods that do stay down, increase your intake. The main thing to remember is plenty of fluids."  
  
"More time in the bathroom," CJ groaned.  
  
Dr. Martin went on to question her about other pregnancy symptoms, her previous medical history and family history of inherited disease.  
  
"Nothing that I'm aware of," CJ answered.  
  
"What about the father?"  
  
Her stomach churned and she had to take several deep breaths before she could answer. "I don't know and I can't find out. He's not involved and I want it to remain that way."  
  
"Okay, that's all right," Dr. Martin replied in a soothing tone. "Can you give me a urine sample?"  
  
CJ laughed with relief. "That is one thing I'm definitely qualified to do."  
  
The drawing of blood followed.  
  
"The urine will be tested for protein, sugar and ketones. That'll show how your kidneys are functioning and whether there's any sign of diabetes," Dr. Martin explained. "The blood will be checked for the hemoglobin level, rhesus antibodies and blood group, and rubella antibody levels. We'll also test for antibodies to HIV and syphilis."  
  
The doctor then performed a full general physical examination, starting by measuring her height, weight and blood pressure. CJ's neck, lungs, heart and breasts were examined, followed by her abdomen, spine, legs and feet. Her armpits and groin were checked for swollen glands. The final step was a pelvic examination.  
  
"The size of your uterus is consistent with eight weeks and the cervix has softened. This is going to be uncomfortable, but I need to check the pelvic organs."  
  
CJ shut her eyes and tried to relax. A short time later she felt a touch on her shoulder and opened her eyes to see the doctor.  
  
"You can get dressed now, CJ."  
  
Dr. Martin was finishing writing up her notes when CJ returned to the desk.   
  
"The pelvic examination showed everything exactly right for eight weeks. You're generally healthy. However, there are two main areas concerning me." The doctor folded her hands. "Firstly, your weight. As I mentioned earlier, try a number of smaller meals during the day. We need to try and minimize any further weight loss and that means eating even if you don't feel like it." She handed CJ several sheets of paper. "That will give you some ideas for meals, as well as foods that are particularly high in nutritional content. If you find any that disagree with you, cut them out."  
  
CJ quickly skimmed through the list. "And second?"  
  
"Your blood pressure. You have what we term chronic hypertension. Pregnancy-induced hypertension usually doesn't appear until twenty-eight weeks. But you've gone into this pregnancy with high blood pressure. You are at high risk of developing pre-eclampsia and the baby's growth may be retarded." Dr. Martin stood and walked around the desk to sit beside CJ. "I don't want to scare you, but it's something you need to be aware of and prepared for."  
  
CJ bit her lip and fought to control the emotions slamming into her. "What--what do I do?"  
  
"I'm going to keep a close eye on you. Usually in the first half of pregnancy, visits are every four to six weeks. I want to see you every two weeks without fail. The appointments will be more frequent if needed." The doctor reached out and took CJ's hands, squeezing them in comfort.  
  
"Every two weeks." CJ nodded.  
  
"You need to reduce your stress levels."  
  
"With my job?" A cross between a giggle and a sob caught in her throat. "I can't afford to give up work."  
  
"And I'm not asking you to at this stage." Dr. Martin adopted a firm tone. "But the reality is bed rest may become necessary. By reducing your stress levels now you lessen that possibility. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, only do the work that has to be done. Learn to delegate. Have you told your boss yet?"  
  
"No," CJ replied, shaking her head. "I wanted to wait a few more weeks."  
  
Dr. Martin pursed her lips. "Okay. I'll leave it up to you, but the sooner you tell them, the better for you and the baby. Does anyone else know?" She continued after CJ answered in the negative. "I strongly recommend finding a friend or family member you can confide in. Someone you can discuss things with, who can be a support. I'm here if you're worried about anything or have questions. But you need someone you're close to."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"That's all we can do at the moment. The first couple of months are rather stressful anyway. Hopefully as you become more comfortable with the pregnancy, your blood pressure will stabilize. I'll give you some literature on hypertension and pre-eclampsia before you leave."  
  
"If I ever need to do a briefing on this, I'll be well prepared," CJ joked weakly. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes. "Are there any tests I need?"  
  
"Due to your age, you are at greater risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. I highly recommend genetic testing either by amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling, CVS." Dr. Martin pulled a folder off her desk and outlined both techniques. "I know it's a lot to take in."  
  
CJ rubbed the back of her neck as her mind struggled to stay afloat. "Just a bit of an information overload. I haven't done any research, I've just been trying to get used to the idea."  
  
"You've got a few weeks to think it over. I'll give you some information booklets."  
  
They both laughed, relieving some of the tension. CJ stood and stretched, before walking around the room. "Which do you recommend?"  
  
"I'd suggest CVS. There is a higher miscarriage rate, though most miscarriages occur in the first trimester anyway. Amnio is done around sixteen to eighteen weeks, so the results aren't available until you are visibly pregnant and have probably felt the baby move. If there is a problem and you decide on termination, you would most likely have to go through an induced labor. CVS can be done around eleven to twelve weeks and results are usually available within a week to ten days. Termination is a lot easier medically. Plus with your blood pressure, the sooner this particular worry is out of the way, the better." Dr. Martin walked over to a filing cabinet and pulled some booklets out of the top drawer. "I don't want you to make the decision now. Think it over, read these, make an informed decision."  
  
CJ took the booklets and watched as the doctor searched for extra papers. "Can you do the test?"  
  
"Yes, I've got the facilities. There they are." She handed CJ another bundle of information sheets. "Those talk about hypertension and possible complications. Back to the CVS. It would have to be done during business hours on a weekday, which is when my technician is available. Give me a call when you've decided and we'll set a time."  
  
CJ stared at the papers in her hands. Her body waited for instructions but her brain stalled.  
  
"CJ." Dr. Martin squeezed her arm to attract her attention. "I think that's enough for today."  
  
CJ nodded and recomposed herself. "Yeah."  
  
"I'll see you same time Saturday in two weeks."  
  
"Right." She smiled gratefully at the doctor. "Thank you."  
  
-------  
  
Struggling into her apartment, CJ dropped her keys and purse onto the entrance table as her briefcase slipped out of her grasp. She kicked the front door closed and stepped over the briefcase on her way to the kitchen.  
  
"I'd better be able to keep some of this down," she warned the oven, as she dumped two bags of groceries on the kitchen table.  
  
After putting the groceries away, she retrieved her briefcase and pulled out the literature Dr. Martin had provided. It was placed in a neat pile on the dining table with her glasses and a briefing pad and pen.  
  
The bedroom was the next stop, shoes kicked off, suit exchanged for track pants and sweat shirt. She removed her makeup and clipped her hair so it was off her neck. Tidying the bathroom, her stomach lurched as she discovered a bottle of his cologne.  
  
She sat down on the edge of the bathtub, rolling the bottle over in her hands. Wherever she turned she found something he owned or gave her.  
  
Making a decision, CJ stood and went back into her bedroom, dropping the bottle on the bed. She grabbed his shirt from the chair in the corner and rifled through the drawers for several items of lingerie. A framed photo from a secret getaway to upstate New York joined the pile.  
  
A packing box was retrieved from the hallway closet, his mug from the kitchen, several CDs and ornaments from the lounge room. She carefully wrapped the breakables in the clothes, placing them in the box.  
  
"Gail is lucky I can't pack her away," she told a ceramic goldfish, before it too disappeared from view.  
  
Sitting next to the box on the bed, CJ opened the top drawer of the bedside table. She pulled out a small wooden box. Her fingers traced the carvings on the lid before dropping to the latch and opening it. Cards, letters, photos, small notes, a plastic ring from a bubble gum machine, a length of florist's ribbon. Tears burnt her eyes as she touched the crystal drop resting on her throat. She unlatched the necklace and held it tightly in her hand, before lowering it into the box and closing the lid.  
  
The treasure chest joined the other reminders, coming to a final rest in the back of the hallway closet.  
  
-------  
  
"Carol, could you please get me the transcript of the last Pentagon briefing? I'm getting some questions on the wording." CJ kept her attention on the papers in front of her.  
  
"I would, but it might be quicker if you did it yourself."  
  
CJ looked up and smiled at her visitor. "You're not Carol."  
  
"Damn." Abbey snapped her fingers as she shut the door. "I need to work on that disguise. You got a few minutes?"  
  
CJ watched Abbey cross to the couch and pat the cushion next to her. "I think I can squeeze you in," she joked, before joining her. "How was Germany?"  
  
"Freezing and wet. They organized floods especially for my visit." Abbey patted CJ's hand. "How are you?"  
  
"Fine," CJ answered quickly, wondering what Abbey had heard. She recognized that intense mother/doctor look. The entire Senior Staff had been on the receiving end of it at one time or another.  
  
"You look like you could do with a good meal."  
  
CJ attempted to wave off her concern. "I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago and I've been run off my feet since."  
  
"Come over for dinner tonight. We haven't had a girls' night for a while."  
  
It was next to impossible to say no to Abbey. "I'm not sure what time I'll be able to get out of here."  
  
Abbey squeezed her hand before standing and walking to the door. "Call when you're close to finishing. See you tonight."  
  
CJ closed her eyes tightly after Abbey left, offering a prayer for her stomach to behave.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"Yes, Carol?" CJ opened her eyes.  
  
"Can I get you anything?" Her assistant looked and sounded concerned.  
  
CJ stood and moved back to her desk. "The transcript of the last Pentagon briefing. Thanks." And a one-way ticket out of here, she added silently.  
  
-------  
  
She couldn't put it off any longer.  
  
The day had been reasonably quiet and she'd finished her required work well before 7pm. She'd spent the last half-hour reorganizing her desk drawers and throwing out dead pens.  
  
A Secret Service agent escorted her to the First Lady's informal sitting room and knocked, before opening the door and letting her enter.  
  
Abbey crossed the room, kissing her on the cheek and offering a drink.  
  
"Orange juice or mineral water if you have it, please?" At Abbey's raised eyebrow, CJ defended herself. "I've got briefing papers to read later. Statistics and alcohol don't mix well."  
  
CJ spent the next twenty minutes keeping the conversation focused on Abbey's trip and upcoming schedule. She deftly steered the talk back to neutral ground every time the subject drifted too close to her.  
  
A knock on the door announced dinner. Abbey led her to the table, remarking, "One of your favorites if I'm not mistaken."  
  
The aroma hit CJ as she drew close, causing her stomach to notify her of its intention to vacate the premises. Covering her nose and mouth with her hand, she tried to take several cleansing breaths. Her body didn't cooperate. She only managed to splutter, "I--I--need--bathroom," before she exited the room and sprinted down the corridor.  
  
Doubled over and on her knees, she began to sob between heaves. She flushed the toilet and collapsed, tears running freely.  
  
"CJ? Can I come in?"  
  
She managed a weak, "Yeah."  
  
Abbey took one look at her and went straight to the sink. She handed CJ a glass of water and placed a cold damp cloth on the back of her neck.  
  
CJ rinsed her mouth and then leaned her head back against the wall.   
  
Abbey gently stroked strands of wayward hair behind her ear, before cupping her cheek. "How long?"  
  
"A couple of weeks. Just can't quite shake this flu."  
  
In a no-nonsense tone, Abbey replied, "You know what I mean."  
  
With a sense of relief, CJ freed her secret. "Ten weeks," she whispered.  
  
"So..." Abbey quickly calculated. "November?"  
  
"Around the 29th."  
  
Abbey smiled. "Might be a Thanksgiving present."  
  
"Hadn't even thought of that. Been too busy throwing up morning and night." CJ shifted to try and find a more comfortable position on the tiles. She'd lost what little padding her backside had in the last few weeks.  
  
Abbey grabbed a towel and folded it, offering it to CJ. "That better?" At CJ's nod she sat down beside her. "You definitely become intimately acquainted with the bathroom floor." She put her arm around CJ's back.  
  
"I've spent a few nights sleeping on it," CJ snorted. She relaxed into the embrace and lowered her head to rest on Abbey's shoulder.  
  
Stroking CJ's cheek, Abbey enquired, "What can you eat?"  
  
"Anything plain. I think it was the smell of the sauce that set me off. No sauces, dressings, anything with a strong aroma."  
  
"Chicken pieces and boiled rice?" She continued after CJ nodded. "Sounds good. I'll go and get them started."  
  
CJ sat up and protested. "You don't have to eat what I'm having. Someone should enjoy their food."  
  
"And exactly how am I going to enjoy my food if you're struggling not to heave? When I was pregnant with the girls, Jed had to eat whatever I was eating if he wanted to sit at the same table. And there were some things that were banned if I was in the house."  
  
"Chilli?"  
  
"Actually, I developed quite a hankering for chilli with Zoey." Abbey laughed at CJ's incredulous expression. "You'll find you have some weird tastes." Standing, she pointed towards the sink. "There's mouth wash in the cabinet. Come back when you're ready."  
  
CJ returned to the sitting room five minutes later and was ushered to the couch.  
  
"Dinner will be about twenty minutes."  
  
CJ nodded. "If you want to ask anything, go ahead." Her nervousness was reflected in her constant hand movement and stiff posture.  
  
Abbey sat on the seat directly opposite. "Does anyone else know?"  
  
"Apart from my doctors, no. And I want to keep it that way for a few more weeks." She pursed her lips and shrugged. "Though now I don't know whether I can. You worked it out and you've barely seen me in the last month."  
  
Leaning across, Abbey placed her hand over CJ's. "Which is one of the reasons I did figure it out. Plus I've been through this a couple of times, I know the symptoms." Abbey continued in a conspiratorial whisper. "They're men, CJ. They're not known for their observational powers. In fact, you could probably give birth in the Oval Office and they'd still be oblivious."  
  
CJ grimaced. "Thanks for that image!"  
  
"You'll be able to keep it quiet for a few weeks at least. You're not going to wake up one morning with a suddenly protruding stomach. Have you seen an obstetrician?"  
  
"I had the first visit on Saturday with Dr. Martin."  
  
"She's good." Abbey nodded. "Any problems?"  
  
"Apart from chronic hypertension that might retard the baby's growth or turn into pre-eclampsia, and a one in seventy chance of Down Syndrome, I'm fine." CJ's voice began to break between 'retard' and 'chance'. She bit her lip and clenched her fists in a recovery attempt.  
  
"CJ." Abbey slid onto the floor in front of CJ and began to rub her arms. In a low soothing tone, she said, "Let it out, Sweetie."  
  
CJ shuddered with the suppressed emotions as Abbey moved one hand to caress her cheek.  
  
"Come on, Sweetie. Let it go."  
  
Shaking her head, CJ avoided eye contact, until Abbey captured her face and forced it. The barriers imploded.  
  
"I don't know what I'm doing," CJ blurted out, before collapsing into Abbey's embrace.  
  
Abbey rocked her, while stroking her cheek and whispering encouragement for the emotional purge. The tension trickled from CJ's body and she gradually relaxed against Abbey.  
  
"I'm sorry," she mumbled into Abbey's shoulder.  
  
"Why? You needed that. Between the hormones and the stress..." Abbey shifted so she could look at CJ. "Don't you dare be sorry." She placed a hand on either side of CJ's face and kissed her forehead, before handing her tissues. "Now, dinner is ready and I think we would both feel better after some food."  
  
They ate at a sedate pace, discussing the medical problems and the pros and cons of various tests.  
  
"I'll call tomorrow to make an appointment for the CVS," CJ stated, as they returned to the couch.  
  
Abbey nodded, taking CJ's hand in hers. "It'll help settle some of your worries. I know it's hard, but you need to try and focus on the here and now, not what-ifs." She paused. "Do you have someone to share the decisions with?"  
  
"If you're asking whether the father's involved, no, he's not. He doesn't know and I want to keep it that way."  
  
Abbey's voice was tinged with concern. "How are you going to keep it from him? It's going to be pretty obvious in a couple of months."  
  
"I doubt I'll see him again." CJ felt her face flush hot as she stared at her shoes. "I met him in a bar, we were both a little drunk and we went back to his hotel room. We only exchanged first names." A chuckle broke free. "Well, we actually exchanged a little more than that." She couldn't look at Abbey, didn't want to see her disappointment. "I'm pretty sure he's from out of town and there must be a few thousand men named Mark with blue eyes out there."   
  
CJ stood and walked over to the fireplace, shocked to see the gaunt and tired stranger in the mirror. "He didn't sign up for this."  
  
"Neither did you."  
  
She felt Abbey beside her, but kept staring straight ahead.  
  
"Why are you going ahead with the pregnancy?"  
  
The ticking of the clock on the mantle pounded into her skull. She fumbled for an explanation before realizing there wasn't one.  
  
"I don't know. It--I mean, I have no qualms about abortion and I've never seriously thought about kids." CJ returned to the couch. "I was shocked at first, but I haven't considered any option other than having the baby. It just..." She looked up at Abbey, trying to find the words. "It just feels right." She raised her hands in confusion.   
  
Abbey smiled reassuringly. "Yeah, it's a bit like that." She settled next to CJ. "So, when's your next appointment?"  
  
"I have to see her every two weeks." CJ was immensely grateful for the change in subject. The next hour was spent discussing various aspects of pregnancy and work.  
  
"You'd better go home to bed, Ms. Cregg," Abbey joked, after CJ had yawned for the third time in five minutes.  
  
CJ rolled her eyes. "I've never been so tired or slept so much. But no matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired."  
  
"They start preparing you for the sleep deprivation early. Do you have any pregnancy books?"  
  
Shaking her head, CJ replied, "I'd feel more comfortable walking into a shop and buying porn."  
  
"Tell you what, I'll get a couple of the best ones, and," Abbey leaned in and whispered, "I'll deliver them in a plain brown paper bag."  
  
"Thank you," CJ laughed. "Thanks for everything."  
  
Abbey embraced her. "When you need to talk, don't hesitate. I'm here for you. Now, go home and get to bed."  
  
"Yes, Mom."  
  
-------  



	3. Chapter 3

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (3/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
  
The envelope was heavy in her hands. It contained only a single sheet of paper, but her uncertain future weighed it down.  
  
"CJ."  
  
She looked up.  
  
"You can go in now."  
  
Standing, she replied, "Thank you, Charlie."  
  
She'd made the appointment for the end of the day, hoping there would be less chance of interruptions. Charlie closed the door after she entered, and a brief wave of panic broke over her as she looked around the room.  
  
Leo was settled on the couch, while the President placed folders on his desk. He removed his glasses and greeted her.  
  
"Good evening, CJ. What can we do for you?"  
  
She nodded. "Sir, Leo."  
  
"Sit. Would you like a drink?"  
  
"Water, thank you." She perched gingerly on the couch opposite Leo. The President handed her a glass and sat in the chair to her left. She took several gulps, trying to rehydrate her mouth.  
  
"CJ?" Leo raised his eyebrows in question.  
  
She placed the glass and then the envelope on the low table between them. The men looked at the paper, at each other, and then back to her.  
  
"I hope that isn't what I think it is," commented the President.  
  
CJ clasped her hands on her lap. "If you're thinking it's my resignation, you'd be correct, Sir."  
  
Leo leaned forward. "What's going on, CJ?"  
  
"I'm not saying I am resigning, just that if you want me to, I'm offering. You don't have to ask."  
  
The President's forehead wrinkled in consternation. "Why would we ask you to resign, CJ?"  
  
She'd rehearsed this scene in her mind ever since she'd heard the news. And she still didn't know how to say it. It had been a relief when Abbey asked; she hadn't had to repeat those words that had provoked such heartache only a month ago. She wasn't sure she could ever use those exact words again.  
  
Straightening her spine and pushing her shoulders back, she took a deep breath and exhaled the sentence. "Because in the near future I'm going to become a liability to you and the administration."  
  
"You planning on asking for a recount?"   
  
"No, Sir." Just get it over with. "In six to seven months, I'm going to be a single mother."  
  
She watched a multitude of emotions flicker over their faces. Surprise, confusion, pleasure, disappointment...at that instant she picked up the envelope and held it out to Leo.  
  
He glanced at it, then at the President, before shaking his head. She didn't lower her arm.  
  
The President reached out and placed his hand on hers. "Put it down, CJ. In fact, take it off the table."  
  
"Sir."  
  
"I'm not asking for your resignation and I'm not going to accept it." He slipped the envelope out of her hand and placed it on the couch beside her.  
  
Maybe he'd only heard the mother part. "Sir, I'm doing this by myself. The father isn't going to be involved in the baby's life."  
  
An expression somewhere between a smile and irritation appeared on his face. "I'm quite aware of what single means, CJ."  
  
"The Christian Right, the Republicans, the press, will all have a field day attacking this administration's stance on family values."  
  
He leaned forward and looked directly into her eyes. "And what reflects those values more than welcoming another member into this family." Pausing, he studied her. "Do you want to leave? They'll be hard on you. There will be personal attacks."  
  
"I know." She nodded and automatically placed the hand he wasn't holding on her abdomen. "This is a surprise, but no one is going to make me feel ashamed." Studying Leo's face, she tried to get some sense of his analysis of the political situation. But he was giving nothing away.  
  
"Do you want to leave?" the President repeated.  
  
"If I stay, my doctor's ordering me to cut back to normal people hours or she'll confine me to bed rest." CJ was giving them every opportunity to cut her loose.  
  
Leo spoke up. "Henry and Simon can take over some of your workload and cover weekends. We can work that out."  
  
"I may need to cut back further and bed rest is still a possibility later in the pregnancy. And I'll need time off for tests and appointments." She couldn't turn her mouth off. "I'll probably need to take a nap during the day and--"   
  
"CJ, stop!" the President ordered. "No matter how hard you try, you're not going to talk me into asking for your resignation. I'm quite aware that adjustments will be needed. If you remember, I do have three children of my own and Leo has one. I want you to stay. The only question is, do you want to?"  
  
She looked to Leo again, seeking guidance. The President squeezed her hand to get her attention back.  
  
"Stop trying to get Leo's approval. I'm the President and I've made the decision. Do you want to stay?"  
  
CJ breathed deeply, before allowing herself a small smile. "I serve at the pleasure of the President."  
  
"So, you do remember who I am," he joked. "Congratulations, CJ. When is my honorary grandchild due?"  
  
"End of November, I'm twelve weeks." She allowed her body to relax slightly, leaning back into the couch.   
  
"When are you telling the rest of the Senior Staff?" Leo inquired.  
  
"I'd like to leave it another two weeks. I'm having a test on Thursday to make sure everything's okay and if it isn't..." She swallowed and fought to contain the worry. "There's no point in anyone else knowing if there isn't going to be anything to know. I'd wanted to wait till after the test before I told you, but my doctor insisted that I had to cut back on work now."  
  
The President's tone was full of concern. "How serious are the problems, CJ?"  
  
"I have high blood pressure and, if it isn't controlled, it could be extremely dangerous for both of us. I saw my obstetrician two days ago and my blood pressure has risen more than she's happy with over the last two weeks."  
  
The two men were listening intently, fathers who understood the joys and tribulations of impending parenthood.  
  
"Hopefully," she continued, "reducing my work hours and getting this test out of the way will help stabilize my blood pressure."  
  
Jed Bartlet shifted forward to sit on the edge of his chair, took her hands in his and rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles. "We'll help in any way we can, just let us know. I know I take you all for granted, but I deeply appreciate the sacrifices you make for this administration, for me. Let me do this for you."  
  
She coughed to clear the lump in her throat and blinked back tears. "Thank you, Sir."   
  
He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Congratulations, Claudia Jean. You're going to be a wonderful mom."  
  
"I hope so. I'm just a little new to this."  
  
Leo grinned. "You'll be fine. You've been dealing with Josh, Sam, Toby and him," he pointed at the President, who effected a 'Who me?' expression, "for over four years. A baby will be a picnic. They don't answer back for the first few years and you've got quite the height advantage."  
  
She smiled at Leo, before turning back to ask the President a favor. "Sir, if it's all right with you, I'd like to ask the First Lady to come to the test with me."  
  
"You don't need my approval. You're free to ask Abbey whatever you want. I'm assuming my wife already knows?" He sounded a little disappointed that he wasn't the first.  
  
"She's known for nearly two weeks. She invited me over for dinner and I threw up. A bit of a giveaway." CJ smiled gratefully. "She's been a wonderful support when I've needed it most."  
  
"Well, you've got some added support now."  
  
"Thank you, Sir."  
  
They stood together and the President embraced her. Pulling apart, CJ looked to Leo, who indicated for her to go to his office.  
  
She went through and waited nervously. This was going to be the hard part. Leo alone, on his turf. While he cared about his staff, Leo was a seasoned political operative, determined to head off scandal and problems before they threatened the President. He'd cut her loose if she proved too big a liability. And she was definitely going to be big.  
  
Which was one reason she'd gone about the revelation the way she had. Make sure Leo was in the room when she told the President; he'd have to follow the President's lead. Offer her resignation to show she was thinking about the political ramifications. She was the spin queen. And she was going to need all her magic over the next few months.  
  
The door to the Oval Office closed, shutting her in. She remained in front of his desk, maintaining her height advantage. Not that it had done her any good in the past, but it helped her mental preparation.  
  
"Do you want to sit down?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
Leo wasn't meeting her eyes. He sat down and shuffled a couple of folders on his desk. She had to stop herself from biting her lip as the silence extended.  
  
"Is Danny Concannon the father?"  
  
"I didn't realize that not having his baby was included in the numerous warnings you gave me to stay away from him," she snapped. "God, Leo!"  
  
"Hey!" He held his hands up. "I had to ask. I need to know if the father will cause problems."  
  
"I highly doubt it. I don't think he even knew who I was." She shuffled her feet, feeling like a teenager caught breaking curfew. "I'm sorry for the trouble this is going to cause, but I'm not going to be sorry for being pregnant." Her jaw set in determination and she pointed to her left. "I was looking for your guidance in there, but you weren't giving me anything."  
  
Leo was calm and analytical. "The President made his decision. But I have the firing ability and if this blows up, the administration has to come first."  
  
"Yes, Sir." She held the envelope out to him. "Do you want to keep it on file?"  
  
He waved it off. "You've got a test on Thursday?"  
  
"Yeah." Her hand fell back down to her side, the paper scrunching between her fingers.  
  
The skin surrounding his eyes crinkled with concern. "What's it for?"  
  
Her legs were starting to wobble, but it was too late to sit down. "It's called chorionic villus sampling. It tests for Down Syndrome and other chromosome problems."  
  
"Do you need Friday off?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Right." He picked up his pen and pulled a folder in front of him. "Let me know what hours you can work and how you want to divide the rest between Henry and Simon." Putting on his glasses, he looked over the top of the rims at her. "You do understand that we will need you for emergencies, no matter when they occur?"  
  
"I understand."  
  
His attention turned to the folder and she was dismissed.  
  
"CJ."  
  
Her hand was on the doorknob. She stopped and turned her head towards him.  
  
There was that trademark smile. "Congratulations, Kid."  
  
-------   
  
Goosebumps rose on bare legs, hands clenched and extended, feet wandered.  
  
"You're going to wear a hole in the floor."  
  
CJ paused and turned to her companion. "I'm the paragon of calm."  
  
"Keep telling yourself that." Abbey grinned in return.  
  
The door opened, admitting Dr. Martin and another woman.  
  
"Hello, CJ. This is Susan. She'll be helping out with the ultrasound."  
  
CJ greeted Susan and introduced Abbey.  
  
"Right." Dr. Martin indicated for CJ to sit on the examination couch. "We went over the risks and benefits of the CVS again on Saturday. You understand there is approximately a one percent miscarriage rate attributed to CVS at this center?"  
  
CJ nodded.  
  
"And on top of this, at least a two and a half percent background risk. You know the risks and are making an informed decision?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay." The doctor handed her a clipboard. "Read that and if you agree, sign it."  
  
CJ read, signed, and returned it, before lying down on the couch. Abbey took up a position on her left side.  
  
"Your bladder is full?"  
  
"Definitely," CJ snorted.  
  
"Just need to hold it a bit longer." Dr. Martin smiled. "We'll start with an ultrasound so you'll be able to see your baby. We tend to get really good scans at this point in the pregnancy. Would you like a picture?"  
  
"Yes, please," CJ replied, as her gown and sheet were adjusted to expose her abdomen. She had tensed in expectation when the gel was squirted on her skin. "I thought that was supposed to be cold?"  
  
"Only the premium service here." The transducer began to move over her abdomen. "I've had a few scans myself and always hated the cold. So I make sure we warm the gel."  
  
CJ reached for the comfort of Abbey's hand.  
  
"Okay." Dr. Martin turned the screen towards CJ. "There's your baby."  
  
Swallowing a sob, CJ touched her child as it moved on the screen. The baby was facing upwards, the entire body visible in profile.  
  
"Amazing, isn't it. Most parents who have a scan this early are surprised by how formed their baby is." The doctor pointed out some features. "There's the heart, can't see most of the other internal organs at this stage. Spine, arms, legs."  
  
"Can you tell if there's any problems?" CJ asked hesitantly.  
  
"Everything looks normal. We're just going to measure from the top of the head to the tip of the bottom to check dates." Dr. Martin continued to talk as she took the measurement and her assistant checked a chart. "Up until twenty to twenty-four weeks, all babies grow at the same rate. And this one is right on average for eleven weeks, as we'd assumed."  
  
Sighing with relief, CJ squeezed Abbey's hand and turned to smile at her. She caught a glimpse of confusion before Abbey smiled back. CJ's attention was brought back to Dr. Martin, preventing any analysis or questions.  
  
"I've taken the picture. We'll start the CVS now."  
  
CJ tensed as her feet were placed in the stirrups and an antiseptic solution was applied.  
  
The doctor squeezed her knee. "CJ, you need to try and relax. You should only feel some discomfort similar to a pap smear. If you'd like, I can tell you exactly what I'm doing."  
  
CJ nodded as Abbey tightened her hold.  
  
"Okay." She rubbed the metal instrument in her hands. "I'm warming up the speculum. Then, just like in a pap smear, I'll pass it into the vagina so I can see the cervix. Here we go."  
  
Abbey's free hand stroked CJ's cheek. "Look at me."  
  
"CJ, I have to hold the cervix with forceps, so you may feel a pinching sensation."  
  
CJ kept her eyes fixed on Abbey, as she replied quietly, "Okay." She winced as the forceps grabbed, and tried to concentrate on the comforting movement of the ultrasound transducer across her abdomen.  
  
"Right. I'm inserting the catheter, and with Susan's help, I can see it passing through the cervix and I'm now guiding it into the placenta. Can you feel anything?"  
  
"It's like a light brushing."  
  
"Good. I'm applying suction with the syringe." Dr. Martin paused for a minute. "And now I'm withdrawing the catheter. Susan will check we have enough villi."  
  
CJ tried to lift her head to see the activity at the other end of the couch. Abbey placed her hand on CJ's shoulder to push her back down.  
  
"We've got enough, CJ."  
  
A held breath blew out through CJ's lips.  
  
"The forceps are letting go and I'm removing the speculum."   
  
Her legs were taken out of the stirrups and after a few minutes, Dr. Martin appeared at CJ's side.  
  
"We'll check the pregnancy and the baby's heart beat now." The transducer stroked across her skin again. "And Baby Cregg is trying to punch me."  
  
CJ turned to see the screen, laughing at the image of a tiny raised fist.  
  
"In about two months you'll be able to feel that fist." Dr. Martin continued her observations. "Everything looks good."  
  
The transducer was removed and the gel wiped off, before sheet and gown covered up her skin.  
  
"Can I go to the bathroom?"  
  
"Not yet." The doctor smiled at CJ's groan. "You need to lie here for a short time. I'll be back in fifteen to twenty minutes. Here." She handed CJ the ultrasound picture. "Look at your baby."  
  
Silence reigned as CJ studied the picture with the concentration and attention to detail usually reserved for briefing preparation.  
  
"It's real. There's actually a tiny little human in there," she whispered in wonderment.  
  
"You were expecting a kitten or puppy?" Abbey deadpanned from the chair she'd pulled up next to the couch.  
  
"Stranger things have happened. Though," CJ ran one hand over her stomach, "me being pregnant is pretty high on the list."  
  
Abbey overlaid CJ's hand with her own. "It's all that husband of mine can talk about. He's as excited as when Liz was pregnant."  
  
CJ blinked away tears and struggled to find her voice. "Thank you, Abbey. For being here with me, for everything. I never thought it would be so hard doing this alone, and I'm not even a third of the way through."  
  
"Hey." Abbey lapsed into mother tone. "You're not alone. I'm here whenever you need me. Jed's already making plans to set up a nursery. Leo's office is the preferred site."  
  
CJ burst out laughing. "Has he told Leo?"  
  
"He wants it to be a surprise." Abbey's face softened as she stroked CJ's hair. "And while he may not be showing it, Leo is happy for you. He thinks of you as a daughter. This baby is going to have more grandparents and aunts and uncles than she or he will know what to do with. Your reporters will probably want to adopt Baby Cregg too."  
  
CJ couldn't prevent herself from flinching and hoped Abbey hadn't noticed. No such luck.  
  
"I know the media attention will be overwhelming and critical at first, but you have a good close relationship with most of the room."  
  
She didn't reveal just how close that relationship had been, quickly changing the subject to pregnancy symptoms and milestones. An internal sigh of relief spread through her body with the return of Dr. Martin.  
  
After a quick check over, CJ was helped to a sitting position.  
  
"Okay. I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day, but you'll be fine to return to work tomorrow." Dr. Martin handed CJ a leaflet. "That tells you what to look out for. You may have some bleeding, that's very common. If the bleeding continues, or you have pain, a temperature or lose clear fluid, contact me and go straight to the hospital. The results should be back by your next appointment. Think about whether you want to know the sex of the baby."  
  
CJ's eyes widened in surprise. "I can find out this early?"  
  
"If you want to. There is a bathroom down the corridor and to the left with your name on it."  
  
-------   
  
Movement in the doorway caught the edge of her attention, but she didn't raise her eyes from the papers on her desk.   
  
"If you don't stop hovering, Carol--"  
  
"I've been mistaken for many people, but never Carol."  
  
She looked up, smiling in apology. "Didn't see the hair."  
  
"Why's Carol hovering?" Josh entered, closing the door behind him.  
  
"She's just waiting on me to finish some forms." CJ waved her hand at a random pile of folders. "What can I do for you, Joshua?"  
  
He stood in front of her desk, rocking nervously on his heels. "I need to talk to you."  
  
CJ rolled her eyes and let out a resigned sigh. "What did you do now?"  
  
"Why do you always expect the worst?" Josh complained.  
  
"Because in my experience 'I need to talk to you' never ends well in this building."  
  
"You are a pessimist and I actually haven't done anything." He placed his hands on her desk and leaned forward. "It's you I want to talk about."  
  
Struggling to keep her stomach under control, CJ swallowed and managed to keep her facial expression neutral. "What have I done?"  
  
"Have you got cancer?" Josh blurted, his face betraying his fears.  
  
CJ was stunned mute, before managing to piece together a sentence. "No! What makes you think that?"  
  
"You've cut back on work, you were away yesterday for some test. Is it something like MS?"  
  
"I'm not sick, Josh." She had no choice. Walking around the desk, she pulled him to the couch and held his hands tight. "I'm having a baby."  
  
Joshua Lyman was rarely silent. But it took a full minute for his voice to function again. "You're pregnant?"  
  
"The two usually go together. I'm twelve weeks, due at the end of November. The test I had yesterday is called a CVS, it's to check the baby's chromosomes."  
  
"You're having a baby?"  
  
CJ smiled. "It was a surprise to me too."  
  
His gaze dipped to her stomach. "I'm going to be an uncle." His eyes returned to her face in a sudden panic. "Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed anything."  
  
"Of course you're going to be an uncle. This is going to be a much-loved baby." Her voice broke as Josh pulled her into his arms. "Damn hormones," she whispered into his neck.  
  
"Congratulations, Mom."  
  
She laughed as she pulled away and brushed her eyes. "That sounds really weird."  
  
Josh grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and handed it to her. "So, this is the real reason Carol's hovering?"  
  
"Yeah. She's driving me nuts." Pointing a finger at him, she warned, "Don't you start, otherwise you will experience the true wrath of pregnancy hormones."  
  
"Worse than the usual wrath of Claudia Jean?" At her nod, Josh held up his hands in surrender. "I'll be good."  
  
She snorted. "You really think you can be?"  
  
"Yeah." He flashed his dimples and placed his hand on top of hers. "So, who's the lucky guy? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody."  
  
Her years at the podium had been a good training ground, helping to perfect her game face. Only a select few could see through it, Toby and--no, that was how she got herself into this situation in the first place. Concentrate and maintain.  
  
"I'm not. I'm doing this myself." She clasped his hand between hers. "So, the uncles are going to be very important role models."  
  
"Me? A role model?"  
  
"I don't know what I'm thinking. Must be true that pregnancy clouds the senses." CJ smiled at him, before adopting a serious tone. "I need you to keep quiet about this. I'm not ready to broadcast it."  
  
Josh nodded. "Who knows?"  
  
"The President and First Lady, and Leo. And of course Carol. I'll tell Sam and Toby later today. I'd wanted to wait until I got the test results, just in case."  
  
"Sorry. When do you get them?"  
  
"Don't be sorry for caring." She brushed her hand across his cheek. "Hopefully the results will be ready next Saturday."  
  
A knock at the door prevented further discussion.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
The door opened to reveal Carol.  
  
"CJ, there's a phone call you need to take."  
  
"Okay, thanks." CJ waited for the door to close again before standing. She noticed Josh examining her abdomen and ran her hands over the area. "Just a tiny bump at the moment. However, my breasts are finally arriving a quarter of a century late."  
  
Josh wrinkled his nose as he stood. "I really didn't need to know that."  
  
"You're not going to volunteer to be my birthing coach?"  
  
"I'll stick to Uncle. Less messy."  
  
CJ grinned. "Dirty diapers, baby puke and drool."  
  
Visibly blanching, he replied, "I'll have my lawyer draw up an exception clause to be inserted in the Uncle contract."  
  
"Get out."  
  
-------   
  



	4. Chapter 4

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (4/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
CJ looked over her living room once more. No incriminating evidence in sight.  
  
Sam had reacted much the same as Josh, with excitement and little questioning. Toby wouldn't be as pliable; telling him away from the office seemed the wisest course of action.  
  
He was bringing takeout for dinner. The worst of her all-day sickness had passed and she was back to eating practically anything. She was also starting to regain the weight she'd lost, much to her doctor's relief.  
  
Hopefully Toby wouldn't be too suspicious; dinner together wasn't an unusual occurrence. Though if Josh had noticed something was going on...  
  
That line of thought was temporarily derailed by a knock at the door.  
  
Discussion over dinner was restricted to work and mutual friends. She ate well, even with the growing tension in her body.   
  
"So, is it time now?" Toby grumbled, tossing his napkin onto his plate.  
  
"Time for what?" she asked, keeping her eyes on a broken fortune cookie discarded on a small pile of rice. The message had not been encouraging. 'The truth may be painful for the teller, but liars are punished many times.'  
  
His fingers drummed impatiently on the table top. "Time for you to tell me whatever it is that you drug me over here to tell me."   
  
Standing up, CJ began gathering up the leftovers. "Does there have to be a problem for us to have dinner?" she stalled, still undecided whether to go with Plan A or Plan B. Plan A was the speech she'd used on Josh and Sam. Plan B was to just throw the ultrasound picture at him and hit the floor before the explosions started. Surely there had to be another option. Damn that fortune cookie anyway.  
  
Toby pushed back from the table and brought his wine glass to his lips. "We've hardly had dinner together in the last six months."  
  
"We've been busy." She took a quick sip of her orange juice, hoping he wouldn't press that particular issue.   
  
He returned to his initial questioning. "Is it your father? Is he getting worse?"  
  
"No. Dad's the same," she said, stacking the used dishes and carrying them into the kitchen. She called back, "Do you want coffee?"  
  
"If it's not your father, what's wrong? You've cut back on work this week."  
  
"Coffee?" she repeated, hiding in the kitchen.  
  
"Forget the damn coffee, CJ," he shouted, appearing in the doorway behind her. She continued to measure the beans into the fancy coffee maker, as he added, "Quit stalling. Just tell me."  
  
Adding water to the machine, she took a deep breath. He was right. It was time. Toby was her best friend. He'd understand, eventually. Fingering the scan in her pocket, she decided to go with Plan B.  
  
"Take a look at this," CJ calmly demanded, handing him her baby's first photograph. "I'm going down to the corner to pick up some cream for the coffee. I'll take limited questions when I get back."  
  
"You're giving me a press briefing?" she heard him mutter, as the apartment door slammed shut behind her.  
  
With her long legs, the round trip normally took five minutes. She tripled the time, debating the merits of two brands of cream, and trying to foretell her next craving.  
  
She headed straight for the kitchen on arriving home, setting up mugs and sundries on a tray.  
  
"Should you be drinking that?"  
  
"I have an obstetrician, thank you." She closed her eyes for a few seconds. Calm down, he doesn't deserve to have his head bitten off. In a softer tone, she continued, "I'm allowed two cups a day. This is the second."  
  
He picked up the tray, cutting her off before she could protest. "I know you're capable. Grab the cookies."  
  
CJ trailed behind him into the living room, claiming the single chair while Toby settled on the couch. The scan lay on the coffee table next to the tray.  
  
"When was it taken?" Toby handed her a mug as he spoke.  
  
She clasped both hands around the mug in an effort to keep them steady. "Yesterday. I'm twelve weeks, due end of November."  
  
"When did you find out?" His tone was calm and even.  
  
She hadn't looked at his face since her return, relying instead on his voice to gauge his reactions. "Early April. I'd wanted to wait until I was safely into the second trimester before I told anybody, but it hasn't worked out that way."  
  
The cogs turning in his brain were practically audible as she stared into her coffee. She sneaked a look at him, finding his mouth pursed. No, please don't go there.  
  
"And he moved to the other side of the country," Toby growled.  
  
CJ tried to sound nonchalant. "Who are you talking about?"  
  
"Concannon." He managed to make it sound like a curse.  
  
"What the hell is it with you and Leo?" She slammed her mug down on the table. "Danny's the only one who's paid me any attention over the last couple of years, so it must be him? No one else could find me attractive?"  
  
"CJ--"  
  
She wasn't going to let him speak. "For your information, though it's none of your damn business, the father's name is Mark." A snort erupted at his questioning expression. "Yes, Toby. I'm working my way through the press corps. Katie is next."  
  
He looked slightly abashed. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone. Why haven't you mentioned this Mark?"  
  
"I only saw him for one night."  
  
"You know his surname?" He took her silence as a negative. "You're damn lucky he didn't go to the tabloids."  
  
CJ stood and walked over to the bookcase. "I don't think he knew who I was. He was pretty drunk."  
  
"Obviously not too drunk."  
  
She turned her head and glared at him. "Just be happy I waited until after re-election to get knocked up."  
  
"What the hell were you thinking?" Toby rose and began to pace, his hand rubbing his head. "Were you thinking at all? You're the face of this administration. You can't go out picking up men."  
  
"Thank you, Toby. I didn't realize that." Her voice dropped to an almost accusatory tone. "I was drunk and horny. And you know better than anyone what a bad combination that is."  
  
"So you screwing a stranger is somehow my fault?" Toby yelled. "Didn't you take any notice of the sex education report? If you're going to sleep around, at least use condoms. They help prevent mistakes." His hand gestured towards her stomach.  
  
It would have hurt less if he'd hit her. She was finding it hard to breathe and had to speak in short bursts. "Don't you--don't you ever--call my child a mistake. You know where the door is."  
  
She walked quickly to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Sobs exploded from within, the wall the only thing keeping her upright. Her stomach gave her just enough warning to make it to the toilet.   
  
After flushing the toilet, she felt around on the sink for a hair clip. Nothing. Must be in the mirrored cabinet and there was no way she could stand.  
  
"What do you need?"  
  
"Hair clip." She pointed to the cabinet, before tearing off toilet paper and blowing her nose. "Thanks."  
  
She clipped her hair back and rinsed her mouth with the water Toby handed her, before leaning against the bath.  
  
"Do you want to get up?"  
  
CJ shook her head. "I just need to stay here for a while. You can go. I'll be fine." She lifted her chin in defiance.  
  
He didn't reply, instead moving to sit on the edge of the bath beside her. His hand began to stroke her hair and she slowly relaxed, her head coming to rest against his knee.  
  
Five minutes of comfortable silence later, she felt ready to stand. But her stomach protested the increase in altitude and she was once again hanging over the toilet. Toby rubbed her back as she threw up the remnants of the day's meals. After several dry heaves she indicated for him to help her up.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"I'll be fine now. There's nothing left." Standing with his support, she brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face.   
  
He offered her privacy by fetching a glass of ginger ale, while she changed into blue pajamas and crawled under the covers.  
  
"Drink that, and this is if you need to be sick again." He held up a plastic container, before placing it on the bedside table.  
  
She shifted across to let him sit on the bed. "Thanks, Mom."  
  
"Does she know?"  
  
She shook her head as she sipped the ginger ale. "After I get the test results, I'll ask Leo about taking a couple of days off to go over and see them. Dad remembers things better face to face. And," CJ's voice began to break, "I really need a cuddle from my mom."  
  
Toby took the glass out of her hand and put it next to the container, before pulling her to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and sobbed quietly.  
  
"I'm starting to make a habit of this." CJ smiled weakly and grabbed a couple of tissues from the bedside table.  
  
Toby studied the blanket and coughed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He met her eyes hesitantly. "I'm worried about you."  
  
CJ placed her hand over his and squeezed. "And I didn't want you to be disappointed in me." She shook her head. "We've known each other for way too long."  
  
"Are you sure about this?"  
  
"Yes." She was surprised by the certainty in her voice.  
  
Toby accepted it as given. "Do the President and Leo know?"  
  
"I told them Monday on doctor's orders. The President's planning nurseries and Leo's...Leo." Pausing, she tried to work out how to ask him. She started nervously. "You don't need to answer now, you've got six months to decide. And I totally understand if you say no--"  
  
"I would like some sleep before work tomorrow," Toby grumbled.  
  
It came out in a rush. "Would you be the godfather of my child?"  
  
"You do realize I'm Jewish?"  
  
"Really? How did I miss that?" She was rewarded with a flicker of a smirk. "We're not what you'd call strict Catholics. Hogan's godfather is agnostic."  
  
His mouth twisted in contemplation. "You don't have a problem with your child being indoctrinated into the true faith?"  
  
"The Yankees?"  
  
"Life member."  
  
Smiling, she replied, "I can live with that."  
  
"I'd be honored." He sandwiched her hand between his as she yawned. "You'd better get some sleep."  
  
"Everyone hovering is going to drive me nuts." CJ slid down under the covers until she was completely horizontal.  
  
"Get used to it. I'll stay till you fall asleep." He put his hand over her mouth. "And don't bother protesting. Doesn't work on me."  
  
She rolled her eyes before closing them. "You are a pain in the ass, Toby Zeigler."  
  
-------   
  
"You've seen Dr. Martin?" were Abbey's words of greeting on a Saturday afternoon.  
  
"Hello, Abbey. How are you?" CJ teased as she entered the sitting room. "Can I get in the door first?"  
  
Abbey closed the door behind them. "Hello, CJ. I'm fine. And no." They exchanged kisses, before Abbey led her to the couch. "You've seen Dr. Martin?"  
  
CJ laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't crash my appointment."  
  
"I considered it." Abbey grinned. "From your mood, I'd say it's good news."  
  
"All clear," CJ replied, nodding. "There could still be problems, of course, but Down Syndrome and a whole lot of other things are ruled out."  
  
Abbey squeezed CJ's hands. "That's wonderful, CJ. A huge worry off your shoulders."  
  
"She still isn't happy with my blood pressure, but hopefully it'll start to stabilize now. And in the next couple of weeks my weight should be in the normal range."  
  
"Orange juice?" Abbey rose and poured two glasses. "Anything else?"  
  
"No, that was it. Thanks." CJ took a sip, feeling Abbey's questioning gaze on her, but determined to string her out a little longer. "How's your week been?"  
  
"Quiet. Couple of meetings, organizing a dinner for next week. How's the hovering going?"  
  
"They're learning to be more discreet about it. Josh and Toby are the worst, while your husband just comes straight out and asks." CJ rolled her eyes.  
  
Abbey laughed. "Lizzie will commiserate with you. She was looking into justifiable homicide laws."  
  
"I'll check with Ron. I hope the President wasn't counting on another grandson." CJ waited for the reaction.  
  
Realization took a minute, a smile spreading across Abbey's face. "As much as he complains, he adores being surrounded by his girls. She will be the Princess of the West Wing."  
  
"I thought that was my title." CJ pouted. "At least it's staying in the family."  
  
Abbey studied her reactions. "You happy about it?"  
  
"Yeah. I hadn't give much thought to the sex, too worried about the tests. And I wouldn't have minded either way." CJ felt tears trying to escape at the image of a tall-for-her-age child with red curls sitting at the feet of Josiah Bartlet, the men of the West Wing enamored by playful blue eyes. "I like the idea of a daughter. My daughter." She rubbed her hand over her stomach and nodded.  
  
Abbey stretched and placed her hand on CJ's. "If you ever need any advice, I've had a little experience with daughters," she commented dryly.  
  
"Only a little?" CJ grinned and lifted her eyebrows.  
  
"So, what's next?"  
  
"A blood test for spina bifida around seventeen weeks, then the normal ultrasound at eighteen to twenty. Dr. Martin thinks I might need a couple more after that to check she's growing properly."  
  
"And when are you going to tell the father?"  
  
The furniture was fortunate she didn't have a mouthful of juice. "Even if I knew his surname and where he lived, I wouldn't be telling him. He's not a part of this."  
  
"I'm not talking about Mark." Abbey emphasized the name. "I mean the real father."  
  
CJ struggled to maintain her composure and silently cursed Abbey's damn intuition. "Mark is the real father."  
  
"How pregnant are you, CJ?"  
  
"Thirteen weeks." Keep the voice steady and certain.  
  
"Then how were you eleven weeks when you had the CVS a week ago?"  
  
"Is that what this is about? A week?" CJ stood and walked over to pour herself more juice. Gesturing with the glass, she continued. "It's just a case of rounding. I was about eleven and a half weeks when I had the test and I'm just on thirteen now."  
  
"So you're due?"  
  
"November 29. I've already told you." CJ had known Abbey long enough to recognize the facial expression. "You don't believe me." It was a statement, not a question.  
  
Abbey rose and approached her. "No, I don't. There's something else worrying you--"  
  
"Really?" CJ's defensive shutters slammed down and her voice rose. "An unplanned pregnancy, the threat to my job and your husband's administration, what my blood pressure might do to my daughter, that's not enough?"  
  
"CJ--"  
  
She thumped the glass down and stalked over to the couch to retrieve her handbag. "I've got things to do. Thank you for the juice, Ma'am."  
  
Abbey couldn't be put off that easily. "Medically--"  
  
"You're not licensed to give medical advice," CJ snapped. She didn't need to see the flinch; she felt it from halfway across the room.  
  
But Abbey's voice remained firm and determined. "Medically speaking, it's best for you and the baby--"  
  
CJ swung around to face her. "You really want to know how monumentally screwed up my life is? How it's more acceptable for everyone to believe that my daughter's father is some arbitrary male I picked up at a bar and fucked, instead of..." Censoring herself, she sank onto the couch as her legs gave way.  
  
"Danny?" Abbey knelt in front of her, tilting CJ's chin up with her hand. "This is between us, I'm not going to tell anybody. You need to talk about this, before it eats away at you."  
  
"He was so excited about being a father," she whispered, her eyes fixed on a point over Abbey's left shoulder. "I nearly didn't...but then he mentioned our jobs and I had to lie." Her gaze met Abbey's. "He crumbled in front of me."  
  
"And he left."  
  
"He said he couldn't watch me pregnant with another man's child." She covered her stomach with her hands.  
  
"Is there a Mark?"  
  
"No, I never cheated on Danny. I just broke his heart." Her hands fell clenched into her lap, thumbs rubbing against each other. "I want to go back and stop those words, but I know if I had to do it over I would still say them."  
  
Abbey pulled herself up onto the couch beside CJ. "You can tell him the truth."  
  
CJ shook her head violently. "Nothing's changed. His career would be destroyed, I would lose all credibility, the President--it's going to be difficult enough with me being a single mother, but if it came out I was sleeping with one of my reporters--" She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "I've already lied to everyone."  
  
Abbey overlaid CJ's hands with her own, stilling the motion. "How long were you and Danny together?"  
  
"Nearly five months. Started just after re-election. I wanted a life of my own and he was there, he was always there." She laughed, not with humor or sadness, but lost somewhere in between. "I'm making it sound like he was arbitrary. He wasn't, he's always been my choice." Her voice and eyes begged for understanding. Maybe then someone could explain it all to her heart.  
  
Abbey reassured her with a nod and a hand squeeze.  
  
CJ's gaze refocused on the hands in her lap. "Before he left, he told me that he'd been about to interview for an editor's job at the Post. International news, so there wouldn't be any question of conflict of interest."   
  
"You could've told him the truth then."  
  
"How? He was pissed as hell, he probably wouldn't have believed me." CJ stood and started to pace between the couch and the mantle piece, her hands gesturing in support of her words. "And everybody would've known. I could play with a week, but nearly two months? How could I hide that?"  
  
Abbey remained seated. "So, it is a week?"  
  
CJ faced the wall. It was time to level with her. "I'm due December 6. Twelve and a half weeks."  
  
"Why a week earlier?"  
  
"Danny was away." What a stroke of luck that had been.  
  
"So you conceived when he got back."  
  
CJ snorted. "Twenty-odd years of being sexually active and my diaphragm picks now to fail. The timing couldn't have been better."  
  
Abbey was silent for a minute before asking, "Are you ever going to tell him?"  
  
She shrugged and lowered herself to sit on the hearth. "Maybe after we've finished here."  
  
"So you're going to present him with a three-year old?" Abbey captured her gaze and held it. "Do you really think that's fair?"  
  
"Fair?" CJ exploded, rearing to her feet. "None of this is fucking fair. It's not fair that I'm not trusted to do my job. Because you know women will let their love lives override their professional obligations." She pointed in the direction of the West Wing. "Josh slept with a lobbyist and no one even blinked. But the slightest look between Danny and I--I never leaked anything to him. We had better things to talk about than our damn jobs."  
  
Abbey rose and approached, but CJ held her hands up and stepped out of her path. She didn't want comfort; there was still anger to burn.  
  
"It's not fair that she won't have her Daddy around, that Danny won't know his daughter and thinks I don't love him and was only in it for the sex." She turned and hit the mantle piece with her fist, pain radiating up her arm. The physical was preferable to the emotional. "It's not fair I had to make this choice." Thumping it again, she leaned her forehead against the ledge and tried to muffle a sob.  
  
"Shhhh." Abbey rubbed her back and stroked the battered fist. "It's going to be okay."  
  
CJ shook her head, before turning her tear-stained face towards Abbey. "No, it's not. Making him leave was the hardest thing I've ever done. After he left, I spent the rest of the night and the next day hanging over the toilet. Remembering that look on his face...it still makes me feel sick."  
  
"CJ." Abbey placed the palm of her hand on CJ's cheek, the thumb caressing. "If you've made the decision not to tell him the truth, you need to move on."  
  
"How?" she begged. "I feel him touching me and kissing me and holding me. I feel him inside me and then..." A sob broke her voice. "And then I open my eyes."  
  
"Come and sit down." Abbey led her to the couch, holding her hands when they settled. "I won't pretend it's going to be easy. But for your health and your daughter's life, you have no choice. This level of emotional stress can't continue. When you're upset or can't stop thinking about him, I want you to come and talk to me and cry on my shoulder. I'm your outlet. Okay?"  
  
"Okay." Maybe with Abbey's help she could do this. "I've been writing him notes in the pregnancy diary you gave me." The question was in her tone.  
  
Abbey smiled. "That's a good idea. It's a way of getting the stress out. You can't internalize any more."  
  
CJ bit her lip while nodding. Not trusting her voice to hold together, she whispered, "Is that shoulder available now?"   
  
With tears in her own eyes, Abbey clasped CJ's face and kissed her on the forehead. "Of course, Sweetie. Let it out."  
  
-------   
  



	5. Chapter 5

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (5/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
Each mile she put between herself and San Francisco released an ounce of pressure from around her heart. Landing at SFO, she'd panicked, expecting to see him around every corner. She knew logically the chances were close to negligible, but the city felt infused with his presence.  
  
Her foot itched to press the gas pedal flat to the floor, to escape the guilt, to stop her heart from hijacking her body and taking her to confess.  
  
With up to two hours of driving ahead of her, she'd tuned the car radio to a talk station. Arguing with the moron of an announcer and his groupies kept her brain at least partially distracted. She'd chosen the more scenic route over the Golden Gate Bridge and north through Marin County, giving her ten extra miles to prepare for seeing her parents.  
  
Swinging left off Highway 37 and onto Highway 121 North, her stomach and bladder demanded a stop. She should have eaten lunch when she got off the plane, but couldn't bear to stay in San Francisco any longer than absolutely necessary.  
  
If she remembered correctly, there was a large winery with the required amenities on the right. She spotted a sign and minutes later turned into the parking area. After a dash to the toilet, she bought lunch and settled herself in the picnic area. The sky was a clear, deep Californian blue, the sun warm on her back. This was a proper summer, not the fetid swamp that was DC. She was beginning to wonder how she'd be able to cope with July and August. Her thermostat was already running above normal and, from what the books said, it was only going to get worse.  
  
She could always move back here. There'd be jobs in San Francisco, she could be close to--  
  
CJ shook the thought out of her head. She'd made her choice, she had to get on and live with it.  
  
She ran her hand over her abdomen, the slight rounding only just discernible to the touch. Would her mother take one look at her and know? Her brand new breasts would probably give the secret away. They'd managed to defy her weight loss. Wonder what Danny would think--  
  
She threw her balled-up wrappers at the trash can, the clatter disrupting that direction of thought. Time to get back on the road and stop thinking.  
  
It was just after two-thirty when she pulled into the drive of her parents' house. She'd hoped to have a minute to fortify herself but Tal Cregg was sitting on the front porch. He looked puzzled initially at the unfamiliar vehicle, a smile spreading across his face as he recognized her.  
  
"Claudia," he called, as he descended the steps and approached the car.  
  
CJ took a deep breath, undid her seat belt, and stepped out into her father's arms.  
  
"Hi, Dad." She kissed him before resting her head against his shoulder. It was reassuring to be held by someone taller sometimes.  
  
"Where's your bag?"  
  
She pointed him to it and turned to see her mother on the porch. A raised eyebrow informed CJ of maternal suspicions. Her father's arm interlinked with hers, pulling CJ towards the steps.  
  
"Look what I found, Moira. She says she's one of ours."  
  
CJ smiled as she hugged her mother briefly and let her father lead her inside.  
  
"You had lunch? You're too skinny."  
  
"Yes, Dad. I stopped at one of the wineries."  
  
"We'll feed you up while you're here." He kissed her on the forehead and took her bag upstairs.  
  
"He looks good," CJ stated to her mother.  
  
Moira Cregg nodded. "He's having a good week, especially since he knew you were coming." She pulled CJ into a cuddle. "And he's right, you're too skinny. Don't roll your eyes. I'm your mother, I'm allowed to nag."  
  
CJ laughed. "That x-ray vision is still working." She leaned back, their arms still around each other. CJ had inherited her father's strong facial features, but her eyes were all her mother's. And those eyes were asking questions she didn't want to answer yet.  
  
Her father's return delayed the inevitable. They talked for a few hours, CJ deftly steering the conversation from getting too close. Until her father dozed off and Moira suggested a walk.  
  
A cool breeze and the later hour had lowered the temperature a little, though it was still pleasantly warm.  
  
CJ slipped her hand into her mother's and asked in a quiet voice, "How is he doing?"  
  
"He's okay. There's bad days and good days." The strain was evident in her voice. "The bad days are getting more frequent."  
  
"How are you?" CJ pulled her mother to a halt and squeezed her hand.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Liar." She draped her arm across Moira's shoulders as her mother's arm slipped around her waist, and they resumed walking. "I should be here more."  
  
"Don't, Claudia. We're not your responsibility," Moira replied sternly. "A visit like this means a lot."  
  
"Book me in for Christmas."  
  
"Tentative?"  
  
"Certain." It was time. "And you'll need an extra stocking."  
  
"Pink or blue?" There was little surprise in her mother's words.  
  
"As long as it isn't too pink." CJ matched her mother's smile. "The breasts gave it away."  
  
"I didn't think you'd had time for implants."  
  
CJ bit her lip. "I'm surprised the rumor mill hasn't started."  
  
"It'll be a while longer before most people notice. I'm your mother remember." She paused. "Do we need an extra adult stocking?"  
  
CJ tried to keep her voice steady but firm. "No."  
  
"Okay." They stopped and Moira placed her hands on either side of CJ's face. "You happy?"  
  
"Yeah." CJ grinned. "More than a little shocked, but yeah."  
  
"So." Moira lowered herself to the grass. "When do I get to meet my new granddaughter?"  
  
CJ kicked off her shoes and joined her mother, stretching out her legs. "End of November."  
  
Her mother's gaze fell to her stomach and CJ leaned back on her hands.  
  
"You'd be what? Just into second trimester?"  
  
CJ nodded. "14 weeks." She ran one hand over her abdomen, smoothing the material. "I can barely tell myself."  
  
Moira placed her hand on top of CJ's and worriedly asked, "Morning sickness?"  
  
"It was really bad for over a month, but it's only occasional now and I'm putting the weight back on. Should be within the normal range in a couple of weeks."  
  
"Apart from that, how are you going?" Moira stroked the palm of her hand across her granddaughter's corner of the world.  
  
The motion over her skin and the quiet sweetness of the surroundings drew CJ into her first real moment of calm since her pregnancy was confirmed. She laid her head back on the grass, releasing the tension from her muscles as she fell into the sky.  
  
"I'm good."  
  
And for that sliver of time she was.  
  
Moira lay down beside her, shoulders touching, fingers entwined. No sound except for their breathing, leaves moving, and a low distant hum.  
  
Her tiny daughter suckling at her breast; ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes. The smallest nails. Red mop of hair.  
  
Out of her arms and crawling. Holding her hands for her first steps. Running and throwing her arms around CJ's neck. Choking. Giggling. Whispering her name.  
  
Moira's eyes. CJ's eyes. The third generation. Long red curls.  
  
Peek-a-boo. Can't see you. Can now.  
  
His eyes. Cold. Accusing.  
  
Why?  
  
Why did you do this to me?  
  
I didn't want to.  
  
But you did.  
  
I would have given anything.  
  
But you didn't.  
  
Backing, pulling away. Turning. Running. Jumping.  
  
Into his arms.  
  
Two pairs of his eyes.  
  
Deceitful bitches aren't allowed to be mothers. Bartlet just signed the legislation.  
  
I did this for you. To protect you.  
  
Really? You love me?  
  
Yes.  
  
You never said.  
  
I love you.  
  
And yet you took my daughter away. I love you too.  
  
No. You can't take her. I'm her mother.  
  
You're not my mommy.  
  
No.  
  
You're not a mother.  
  
No.  
  
CJ.  
  
Don't leave me, Danny.  
  
Claudia.   
  
Hands holding her back. Need to follow. Can't let them out of her sight.  
  
Don't take her away from me. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do.  
  
Claudia.  
  
Don't leave me.  
  
Claudia Jean. Wake up.  
  
Hand on cheek. Darkening sky. Chilled air.  
  
It's okay, Sweetie.  
  
Baby. Can't see the baby. Where is she?  
  
You were dreaming.  
  
He has her. Have to go to San Francisco.  
  
"Claudia Jean. Wake up now."  
  
The combination of forceful voice and firm hands roused CJ. She sat up immediately, folding her arms across her stomach. The world was still tilting.  
  
A hand brushed her hair back and forced her head to turn. Eyes. Her mother's.  
  
"It's okay. No one's leaving you."  
  
As images from the dream flashed through her mind, CJ searched for her briefing face. Fumbling in her application, she tried to stand too quickly. Moira grabbed CJ's arm to steady her, guiding her back down to the grass.  
  
"Sit still, Claudia. Let yourself wake up."  
  
CJ pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned her chin on them as her mother rubbed her back.  
  
"Want to talk about it?"  
  
Still a little woozy, but needing to extract herself before her mother pushed too hard, CJ stood gingerly. "Dad'll be wondering where we got to."  
  
She held out her hand to Moira, pulling her up before starting off in the direction of home. Her body was stiff, her eyes focused straight ahead.  
  
Moira got the message and the silence held until the house was within sight.  
  
CJ halted, unsure. "When should I tell him?"  
  
"Leave it till tomorrow. He's usually pretty good in the early afternoon."  
  
"How...." CJ sought out her mother's eyes. "How is he going to react?" She winced at the childish tone and the threatening tears.  
  
Moira reached out and brushed her hair back behind her ear. "He wants you to be happy. That's all either of us have ever wanted for you." Her hand cupped CJ's cheek. "Just give him some time."  
  
CJ sniffed and squared her shoulders. "Yeah."  
  
"Come on. You need feeding."  
  
-------  
  
It all fell apart when he asked about a wedding date.  
  
She watched the excitement and joy at the prospect of another grandchild melt away, replaced by silent disapproval.  
  
Family and friends said she was her father's daughter and in many ways she was. But in terms of anger and disappointment, she reacted like her mother. She exploded and yelled and got it over and done with.  
  
Her father got quiet. That silence had always terrified her more and cut deeper than any number of hours of her mother's raised voice.  
  
He stared straight ahead and she knew from experience there was no point in continuing. She stood and leaned over, kissing him on the top of the head.  
  
"Get some rest, Daddy. We'll talk later."  
  
Waves of claustrophobia lapped around her. She needed to get out, be anywhere but here.  
  
Ascending the stairs to her bedroom two at a time, she grabbed her handbag before stumbling back down, out the door and to the car.  
  
She had no idea where she was going; she just turned right from the driveway and drove straight for as long as there was road. Tuning the radio to a rock station, she sang along, ignoring the ringing from her bag. She alternated between turning left and right into whichever side street looked interesting, resulting in a couple of u-turns when she came to dead ends.  
  
After glancing at the gauge, she looked for the next gas station, finding one ten minutes later. She pulled in, turned off the engine and grabbed the ringing cell phone out of her bag.  
  
"I'm okay, Mom."  
  
It took a few minutes to assure her mother she wasn't going to do anything stupid and she'd be back for dinner.  
  
As long as she could find her way back. She realized she was slightly lost as she pumped gas. The terrain didn't appear at all familiar.  
  
CJ asked for a map and her present location when she paid for the gas, a bottle of water and a bag of potato chips. The attendant looked at her with a condescending smirk and questioned her travel plans. She replied with her death glare and he wisely gave her only the information she'd requested.   
  
Back in the car, a quick perusal of the map showed a picnic area further up the road that would do.  
  
There was only one other car present when she pulled in. Three young children played tag around a picnic table as their parents watched.  
  
CJ's hand came to rest on her abdomen and she blinked away tears. Maybe this wasn't such a good place to stop.  
  
'Snap out of it,' she ordered herself. 'You can't avoid families for the rest of your life.'  
  
She grabbed the bottle and bag and forced her hand from her body to the door handle. Choosing a tree away from the family, she settled down on the grass and leaned back against the trunk.  
  
Her eyes closed and she breathed deeply and slowly, trying to restore some sense of calm. She'd partly expected that reaction from her father, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Her mother was right, give him time. Get him to concentrate on the new granddaughter angle, rather than the single mother.  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
A young girl's shout forced her eyes open. CJ turned her head to see the father tipping his daughter upside down, her delighted squeals competing with the clamoring of the other two children.  
  
Tears threatened again and she looked away, attempting to stifle them. She needed to stop thinking about it, about him. But she had no idea how to exorcise the ghosts.  
  
The back of her head thudded against the bark and she stared at the mosaic of blue and green above her. How could she stop thinking about him when a reminder was growing within her? When everything around her triggered memories or visions of an impossible future?  
  
Making love fully clothed under a tree in a reckless moment, fears of discovery at the rest stop magnifying their arousal. Hours of driving to find an out-of-the-way place for a rare relaxing weekend. Sharing the paper and breakfast on the occasional lazy Sunday morning in bed, Danny reading his column and impersonating anyone he quoted.  
  
His voice. She was forgetting what he sounded like. She could barely hear the teasing lilt; the guttural moan of her name as he climaxed; the soft whispered endearments.  
  
Her soundtrack of him consisted of their last conversations on loop. Anger, hurt, betrayal.  
  
The cell phone was in her hand, the stored numbers scrolling up the screen and stopping at his. Her thumb hit the call button before she could stop it.  
  
He'd probably changed the number. She nearly dropped the phone when she heard his voice, recovering as she realized it was his voice mail message.  
  
She disconnected after the beep and called again. This time she'd listen carefully, commit the sound of him to memory. Even the bland message was better than the current recording lodged in her brain.  
  
"Hello. Daniel Concannon speaking."  
  
Shit. CJ only just managed to stop herself from replying. She held her breath.   
  
"Hello? Anybody there?"  
  
Hang up. Hang up. Her fingers wouldn't follow her brain's directions.  
  
"Hello? CJ?"  
  
Hell. He must have checked the caller id. What to do...hang up or fake an explanation?  
  
"Hey, Danny. Sorry. I must've hit the wrong number." She winced at the waver in her voice.  
  
"Okay." His tone was flat.  
  
She couldn't just hang up now. "How's the new job going?"  
  
"It's great. Different." He paused. She could picture the forced cheerfulness on his face. "How are you?"  
  
"Good."  
  
"And the baby?" He barely got the last word out.  
  
"She's fine." CJ grimaced at the slip as she heard Danny's muted gasp. In the last few days she'd started thinking of the baby as she rather than it.  
  
His barely contained tears were audible. "A girl."  
  
"Yeah," she whispered, turning to watch the daughter riding on her father's shoulders. Danny was a girl's daddy.  
  
"Congratulations. You'll have someone to pass your evening dress collection onto."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Danny cleared his throat with a nervous cough. "I have to go and do this thing."  
  
"Okay." Before he could cut her off, she pleaded, "Danny."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
What to say? "I'm sorry."  
  
"So am I."  
  
And she was left with the dial tone.  
  
-------  
  
The night air was cool on her bare arms. Hopefully the change of scene would make her sleepy.  
  
CJ sat down on the top step of the back porch, leaning against the railing. Images and voices swirled around in her brain making it impossible to relax.  
  
At least her father had talked a little to her during dinner. No mention of the baby, but it was a start.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
CJ looked up as her mother's hand came to rest on her shoulder. She placed her own hand on top and squeezed.  
  
"Sorry. I tried to be quiet."  
  
"I was awake anyway." Moira sat beside her. "He'll come around, Sweetie."  
  
"Will he?" CJ snorted. "Here I am, 42 years old and still needing Daddy's approval."  
  
Moira cupped CJ's cheek. "Doesn't matter how old we are. Show him the ultrasound. He won't be able to resist."  
  
"I hope so."  
  
The stars were brilliant against the darker skies. Peaceful. Silent. Old friends.  
  
As a child in Ohio, her father would take her out to look at the stars when she couldn't sleep. He'd point out a couple of constellations and then just cuddle her. His heartbeat against her ear, she'd drift off to sleep under a blanket threaded with light.  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
CJ turned to her mother in confusion. "Of course I do. I understand why he's disappointed--"  
  
Moira shook her head. "Not your father. Your daughter's father."  
  
Game face on. Breathe. Calm.  
  
"I barely know him." CJ's gaze drifted back to the sky.  
  
"Where did you meet?"  
  
"In a bar."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. I picked him up and went back to his hotel room. Didn't even ask his last name."  
  
Her mother's silence was more damning than any reply.  
  
CJ couldn't contain her defensiveness. "It's not my first one night stand."  
  
"I'm not naïve, Claudia. But you can't even look at me when you say it."  
  
CJ locked eyes with her mother. "I picked him up and screwed him and haven't seen him since."  
  
Moira laughed. Not a chuckle, but a fully-fledged belly laugh. "Oh, Claudia. Trying to shock me won't get you anywhere. I know you and I know that expression. Just haven't seen it so vehement since you were five and swore up and down to me that you hadn't been into the chocolate cake. The only problem was the icing on your face and clothes." She brushed CJ's cheek with the back of her fingers. "I didn't believe you for one moment then and I certainly don't now. Lie to yourself if you want to, just don't think you're fooling me."  
  
Uncertain whether to be angry or embarrassed, CJ turned away and focused on her feet.  
  
"When you're ready to talk, you know where I am."  
  
The porch boards creaked under Moira's step. Another person she loved walking away from her. Would her daughter follow as soon as she was able?  
  
Her chest tightened, her breath coming in gasps.  
  
Don't let her walk through that door.  
  
"Mom."  
  
She barely heard the mewl herself. The porch door thumped shut.  
  
Too late.  
  
CJ tried to contain the sobs, but they pried her lips apart. Her arms wrapped around her stomach as her head fell, colliding with her knees.  
  
"Sweetie."  
  
She was pulled into her mother's embrace, her head resting on Moira's lap. CJ's sobs were almost silent but shuddered through her body. Moira's hands stroked her cheek and hair as she rocked.  
  
The motion and security slowly lulled CJ into a state of calm.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  
  
"For what? What's going on, Claudia?"  
  
Burying her face in her mother's lap, CJ mulled over explanations in her mind. She'd been spinning the news cycle for too long.  
  
Moira continued when she didn't answer. "You've always been so unsure about kids. I just find it hard to believe you'd have a baby with someone you barely knew."  
  
CJ pulled away and sat up, meeting her mother's gaze. Her concern and worry was evident. She could relieve that with the truth.  
  
She blew her nose and cleared her throat. "I need you to keep it quiet. You can't tell Dad or the boys or anyone. Too many people could get hurt."  
  
"Okay." Moira nodded and frowned. "He's not married, is he?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, that rules out the President. A Republican? You'd end up with a Swiss child."  
  
CJ smiled, grateful for the lighter mood. "No, he's a Democrat." She paused before leaping. "I was in a relationship with him for five months."  
  
"Did he walk out on you?" Moira's mother bear instincts were undiminished.  
  
"I kinda shoved him out the door." CJ continued hesitantly at her mother's confused expression. "I told him I cheated on him and the baby wasn't his."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I wasn't supposed to be seeing him."  
  
"Danny?"  
  
CJ bit her lip.  
  
"I thought I recognized the name. You talked about him a few years ago." Moira closed her eyes for a moment, sifting through memories. "He's a reporter?"  
  
"Yeah." CJ grimaced. "Slight conflict of interest. Leo, Toby and the President warned me back then and I stopped it going any further."  
  
"But?"  
  
"But after re-election..." CJ leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands. "We still wanted each other and I wanted...a life. I think there must've been some crossed wires somewhere, because I didn't mean a baby."  
  
Moira matched her pose. "He doesn't want a baby?"  
  
"He was thrilled." She lifted her eyes to the stars. "But it doesn't matter."  
  
"Surely there's some way--"   
  
CJ cut her off. "There isn't. This is the only way I can protect our jobs, though mine is still a little rocky. I'm going to be enough of a scandal on my own. I'm not going to make it any harder on the President."  
  
"So you've just made Danny's decision for him?"  
  
"Yes," CJ replied firmly, as she stood and stepped down onto the grass.  
  
Moira's voice took on a disapproving tone. "That isn't fair to him, Claudia."  
  
She kept her back to her mother. "One of us has to be the realist. Danny'd think we could play happy families, keep our jobs and everyone would be all forgiving. That isn't going to happen. And I'm not going to have him turn around and resent me in a few years because he lost his career."  
  
"Do you really think he'd put his job before you and his daughter?" Moira walked around to stand in front of her.  
  
CJ folded her arms across her chest and fixed her gaze on the outline of the bushes over her mother's shoulder. "Two years ago he turned down a promotion, even though it meant we could date, because White House reporting was his life."  
  
"Two years ago he wasn't in a relationship with you and you weren't pregnant," Moira replied firmly. "Is he still at the White House?"  
  
CJ hesitated before answering. "No." She kept silent about the job shift Danny had revealed in their last face-to-face meeting.  
  
"So he can live without it. Why didn't you give him the opportunity to make a choice?"  
  
"Because none of it matters!" CJ lowered her voice at her mother's warning look. "Do the math. Even if he'd left as soon as I found out I was pregnant, there's still over a month unaccounted for."  
  
"And so it's better if everyone believes that you pick up strangers rather than broke some unwritten rule?"  
  
CJ didn't answer as she bit her lip and stared down at the grass.  
  
Stepping forward, Moira placed her hand under CJ's chin and forced her head up. CJ avoided her mother's eyes by once again focusing on the bushes.  
  
"Do you love him?" Moira asked quietly.  
  
CJ's lower lip trembled and her gaze met her mother's.  
  
"Are you in love with him?"  
  
"Telling him...it wasn't easy. I know how much I hurt him and I wish he was here." CJ swallowed. "But this is the way it has to be. I'm protecting him."  
  
Moira studied her face and frowned. "Are you? Or are you protecting yourself?" She brushed her hand across CJ's cheek. "I love you and I'll always support you no matter what. But please, think this through. It's not too late."  
  
"It is." CJ shook her head, her resolve reinforced.  
  
"Okay." Moira slipped her hand into her daughter's and pulled her down to sit on the bottom porch step.  
  
CJ leaned her head on her mother's shoulder as Moira's arms wrapped around her.  
  
"You remember the constellations Dad taught you?"  
  
"Some."  
  
"Show me."  
  
-------   
  



	6. Chapter 6

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (6/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
It had taken a few weeks, but her skirts and pants were becoming a bit tight. She'd have to start shopping for a new wardrobe; little chance of keeping her daughter undercover for much longer.  
  
CJ was in constant telephone and email contact with her parents. Her mother had been right; the ultrasound picture broke through her father's disapproval. He now expected daily updates.  
  
She knew Toby and Leo were keeping an eye on her waistline, while Josh, Sam and Carol were perfecting very good impressions of first-time fathers. The President had appointed himself as her surrogate father.  
  
Abbey was her sanity. Apart from her pregnancy knowledge, CJ could talk to her about anything. Since her return from California, she'd avoided mentioning Danny, attempting to shut him into a small compartment at the back of her brain. Abbey would bring him up occasionally, but quickly learnt when to back off.  
  
Sometimes he escaped. Usually while she was sleeping or he'd distract her during a long, boring--  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
CJ forced her attention back to Leo, her bladder relieved that the Senior Staff meeting was coming to an end.  
  
Toby coughed and she turned to find him staring at her before he quickly faced Leo.  
  
"CJ has to announce soon."  
  
She knew it was coming, but the words still winded her. Her voice wouldn't work.   
  
Leo nodded and asked, "When?"  
  
"As soon as possible."  
  
She glared at Toby and recovered her voice. It was a little raspy. "I'm barely showing."  
  
He held her gaze unflinchingly. "We need to break it before the speculation and rumors have a chance to start."  
  
"He's right, CJ."  
  
She turned back to Leo but didn't reply.  
  
"I want you to work with Toby and Sam on a statement."  
  
Sam shifted uncomfortably and gave her a weak smile.  
  
Leo continued. "And then you're to run it past me." He directed his next questions to Toby. "End of the last briefing? Busy or slow day?"  
  
She pursed her lips and directed her gaze to the floor, muscles tensing as Toby answered.  
  
"Definitely just before the lid. A Friday would be best."  
  
CJ flinched as the connotation cut deep. It took her a minute to recognize the silence and she glanced up to find everyone waiting for her to reply.  
  
She plastered on a smile. "Sure. Friday would be great. Let's dump my daughter out with the trash. It's where she belongs." Cutting them off before they could speak, she gripped her notebook to her chest and stood. "You don't need me here for this conversation. Let me know what you decide."  
  
She stalked over to the door, wrenching it open and slamming it behind her. She'd probably broken the White House again.  
  
"Are you okay? CJ?"  
  
She jumped as a hand touched her arm, swinging around to see Margaret's concerned expression.  
  
"I'm fine," CJ choked out, before commencing a power walk to the bathroom.  
  
-------  
  
Toby was seated on her couch when she returned to her office.  
  
She shut the door and dumped her notebook on the desk, keeping her back to him while she rifled through the messages Carol had handed her.  
  
"So. Which Friday?"  
  
"Next week."  
  
"Why not this week? Two days should be enough for Batman and Robin to produce a masterpiece and my stomach may have tripled in size by next Friday."  
  
"You finished?"  
  
His calm tone irritated her. She dropped the messages and turned around to face him. "I don't know. I've still got plenty of hormones to burn."  
  
He didn't say a word, but she knew that look too well and it never failed to rile her.  
  
"I've heard the comments. If a woman gets pissed off it must be because of the hormones, pregnancy or otherwise. It's justified if a man gets pissed off. Did you ever consider that you might just have a permanent case of PMT?"  
  
"I never said anything about hormones." Toby held up his hand as she opened her mouth. "Shut up and let me finish. Friday is the best day to announce, not only for the administration but also for you. You'll have a couple of days before you have to face them again."  
  
"So, you're looking after me," she replied sarcastically.  
  
"Look, CJ. I'm sorry for what I said when you first told me. But I wasn't implying anything about my goddaughter when I suggested Friday." He leaned forward and stared at her. "So stop being pissed at me. You have to announce and this is the best way for everyone."  
  
She held his stare for a minute before slumping onto the edge of the desk. "I don't have to announce if I resign first."  
  
Toby rubbed his hands over his head and leaned back against the couch. "You'll resign?"  
  
"Yes." She rocked her ankles while examining the carpet.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
She lifted her eyes to meet his and shrugged. "At this moment I'm not sure of anything. I'm not even sure why I'm having this baby."  
  
"Because you want her."  
  
"Do I?" All the fears and insecurities flooded through her. Her legs started to shake and she lowered herself into the visitor's chair in front of her desk. "I always thought I'd have an abortion for an accidental pregnancy. And I don't know why I didn't even consider it."  
  
Toby's expression softened. "Maybe you're ready to be a mother."  
  
She shook her head and smiled sadly. "I'm not. I don't think I can do this. It's too late for an abortion. Maybe I should consider adoption."  
  
"I'm sure I could find you a home for unwed mothers to hide out in for the next six months. How does Mexico sound?"  
  
CJ glared at him before realizing he was baiting her. "I know what you're doing, Toby."   
  
"Is it working?"  
  
She snorted and leaned forward, resting her face on her hands. "Possibly."  
  
"You have to face it, CJ. You made your choice to become a mother." His voice was low and comforting. "Don't let a few narrow-minded puritans make you doubt yourself. Face them head on and let them know that CJ Cregg doesn't run from a fight."  
  
CJ smiled and held her hand out towards him. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Toby Zeigler, motivational speaker." She rubbed her abdomen. "But do I have the right to put her through this?"  
  
"She'll know how much her mom loves and wants her. And you can't give her a better example of how to stand up for herself." With a rare little smile, he continued. "Her godfather will make sure she knows how amazing her mom is."  
  
CJ couldn't stifle a couple of tears and a sniffle. "You really think I can do this?"  
  
"I wouldn't have gone to California to get you if I didn't think you could handle anything and everything. The people who matter are with you, the rest can go to hell."  
  
"And what happens in this hell?"  
  
"There are lots of trees, fresh air, fur, and Mary Marsh rewriting my speeches." Toby grimaced.  
  
She burst out laughing. "I feel your pain." An object on the couch next to him caught her eye. "What's that?"  
  
He coughed. "The first step in her indoctrination."  
  
She accepted the proffered gift and smiled in thanks. A baby-sized Yankees cap. "She can wear it to her christening." CJ placed it over one hand, stroking it with the other. There was no turning back.  
  
"We'll meet tomorrow to write the statement and next week Leo wants a couple of trial runs to plan answers."  
  
She summoned her courage and met his eyes. "Okay."  
  
-------   
  
Wrung out. She felt emotionally and physically exhausted. A tension headache was teasing at the edge of her brain.  
  
She'd begged off Toby's offer of dinner, wanting nothing more than a long soak in the tub and bed. His concern had been evident and she had to reassure him she was okay.  
  
She dumped her bags on the table and kicked off her shoes, before entering the kitchen and shoving a frozen dinner in the microwave. Not the best nutrition, but it was all she was up to tonight and slightly better than nothing.  
  
While it hummed, she went to the bedroom and stripped, pulling on a bathrobe.  
  
She ate dinner in front of the television, trying to distract her mind with a not very funny sitcom. Her head pitching forward woke her with a start. Bath time before she was too tired to move again.  
  
After cleaning up the kitchen, she retrieved the cap from her bag and carried it to the spare bedroom. A few items of baby paraphernalia sat in one corner, including a large yellow teddy bear from Josh. She perched the cap on its head.  
  
As the bath ran and the lavender bubble bath foamed, she studied her naked profile in the full-length mirror. She needed new bras urgently; her current ones were making her already tender breasts even sorer. A very definite bump. A quick prayer, that it would remain hidden until she announced, was sent.  
  
Her muscles started to relax as soon as the warm water and bubbles flowed over them. She rested her head on a towel covering the rim of the tub and breathed deeply.  
  
Her next conscious sensation was of cooled water and tight temples. The tension headache had settled in. She sat up and ran the hot water, a yellow object sitting near the tap drawing her attention.  
  
The innocuous looking rubber duck had been a gift from Abbey when she returned from Napa. She'd thought it was for the baby until Abbey had handed her an instruction booklet. CJ had joked that she hoped she didn't have to declare it on the financial disclosures and wondered how many raised eyebrows the First Lady ordering from Good Vibrations had caused.  
  
The beak and tail packed quite a bit of power, but she hadn't had much of a chance to trial it. She'd been relieved her libido had decreased significantly since Danny left. Combined with the stress, she'd rarely been in the mood.  
  
Memories of Danny's technique for relieving her headaches forced their way to the surface and her body quickly responded.  
  
"Okay, Duck. Time for you to work your magic."  
  
-------  
  
"You ready?"  
  
The window pane warped and blurred Toby's shape. Her fingers twisted the chain around her neck, the crystal drop warm against her skin.  
  
Danny's crystal.  
  
She'd retrieved it from the hall closet the previous night, realizing her need to have a tangible reminder of him, apart from the baby, was stronger than her desire to forget.  
  
She continued staring out her office window, wondering whether he'd go away if she didn't answer. She was entitled to her last moment of denial.  
  
He appeared in her peripheral vision, a solid object determined to be acknowledged.  
  
"You told them?"  
  
She used her feet to swing the chair side to side, her eyes still avoiding direct contact.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The meeting with her main staff had ended ten minutes before. A few had already guessed and they all seemed genuinely happy for her. She'd specifically warned them about treating her like breakable goods.  
  
"The other senior assistants have been informed. Expect to be accosted by Bonnie and Ginger."  
  
CJ allowed herself a small smile.  
  
"Ten minutes, CJ," Carol called from behind her.  
  
She saw Toby nod in acknowledgement before returning his attention to her.  
  
"You know the answers?"  
  
CJ looked straight at him. "No, Toby. I could have used some prep sessions, but I've spent the last week twiddling my thumbs. How about, 'I've been a bad girl'?"  
  
Toby rolled his eyes. "Got it out of your system?"  
  
Before she could reply, the conversation was hijacked by the arrival of Josh and Sam. She kept her back to them, hoping they'd get the hint.  
  
"Mi Amor. Donna and Margaret are starting a baby name pool and I was hoping you could give me an inside tip."  
  
It would require a large bat to clue them in and she didn't have the spare strength to wield it.  
  
She turned to face them. "No tips."  
  
"Please," Josh whined.  
  
"My daughter will be the first to hear her name spoken. And unless I'm horribly mistaken, you're not my daughter."  
  
Sam cooed, "That's so sweet!"  
  
Leo appeared in the doorway and she implored him with her eyes to save her from Larry and Moe.  
  
"Josh, Sam. Out."  
  
"We're being supportive," Josh replied.  
  
"You can be supportive after."  
  
Everybody knew you didn't argue with Leo when he used that particular tone and they wisely heeded him.  
  
Leo closed the door behind them and pointed to Toby. "You want him?"  
  
"Curly can stay."  
  
"Thanks," Toby replied.  
  
"You ready?" Leo asked softly.  
  
For a moment the fear overwhelmed her, but she grabbed hold of the support implicit in Leo's demeanour and surfaced.  
  
"I'm never going to be ready. But I'll be happy if I get through it without throwing up."  
  
"I'm not sitting in the front row."  
  
Her lips twitched. "Was that a joke, Toby?"  
  
"Don't expect another one. I've exceeded my yearly quota." He reached over and squeezed her hand.  
  
CJ turned her palm over so she could entwine her fingers with his.  
  
A knock on the door was followed by Carol calling, "Five."  
  
She frowned and gripped Toby's hand tighter.  
  
Leo leaned over the desk and clasped her other hand, forcing her to look at him. "You'll be okay, Kid. We'll be at the back of the room. Take a deep breath. You can do this."  
  
Exhaling, "Okay," she wondered whether five minutes was long enough to compose a letter of resignation.  
  
-------  
  
Yet another secret exposed--Another scandal to hit the Bartlet administration--Illicit sex--Bastard child--Loose--Unfit--White House in moral decay--  
  
Sound bites from the evening news stampeded through her brain. She tried to block them out by burying her head under the pillow, but Mary Marsh's shrill condemnation could cut its way through the lead shielding of a nuclear reactor.  
  
The reporter must have run to get her comment and she'd been practically salivating as she'd ripped CJ apart and prayed for the child's salvation.  
  
CJ prayed her father hadn't seen it.   
  
Her professional side had known this was the way it would be and the attacks were only going to get more vicious and personal. But there'd been a small part of her that had believed she would be a non-story--that they'd leave her alone.   
  
That tiny inch of her lay flattened under Mary Marsh's heel.  
  
Father's identity unknown--Had the President asked for her resignation?--What sort of example was she setting for the youth of America?--   
  
So much for Friday being the best day.  
  
The Republicans had been quiet, biding their time while the Christian Right whipped up a frenzy. They'd attack on Monday.  
  
Sex outside marriage is a sin--CJ Magdalene--Poor innocent damned from conception--   
  
The pillow hit the floor and she pulled on her robe before realizing she had no idea what to do.  
  
Sleep was a lost cause, television too risky, too late to go for a walk, too tired to read, too wired to relax...  
  
She checked the time. Her mother should still be up...bad idea. She'd only be more worried. Too late to call anyone here--  
  
The phone rang and she picked it up, smiling as she heard the voice.  
  
"Your ESP is still functioning."  
  
"I thought you might need to hear a friendly voice," Moira replied. "How are you, Sweetie?"  
  
CJ took the cordless receiver and curled up on the windowsill, leaning her head against the window.  
  
"Lost. I can't sleep, I don't know what to do."  
  
"I saw that awful bitch--"  
  
CJ laughed. "Mother!"  
  
"I call it as I see it."  
  
"Did Dad see it?" CJ winced.  
  
"No, I made sure he didn't. He's asleep now."  
  
"Good. But this is going to continue for days."  
  
"Nothing they say will change the way we feel about you, Claudia," Moira stated firmly.  
  
"I know." CJ looked out at the street. Too bright to see the stars. "I just--I hate embarrassing you."  
  
"You are not embarrassing us. Those people don't know you and there's nothing remotely Christian about them. You and our granddaughter are all that matters."  
  
CJ sniffed. "I don't think I can do this."  
  
"Yes, you can." Her mother paused. "Do you want me to come over?"  
  
She nearly replied yes. "Daddy needs you. And I don't want the press coming after you."  
  
"Well, don't forget your brother and Hogan are near by. Hogan's very excited about a baby cousin."  
  
"I know. She's already offered her babysitting services." CJ trailed off as her subconscious uncovered the spot she'd tried to bury Danny, his face appearing in her mind's eye.  
  
"Call him, Claudia."  
  
It was times like this CJ wished her mother didn't know her so well. "It's too late."  
  
"Do you want him?"  
  
CJ whispered, "Yes."  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
"It's too late." She wiped away the tears gathering in her eyes.  
  
"It's never too late."  
  
-------   
  



	7. Chapter 7

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (7/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
There was a woodpecker knocking against her tree. She attempted to chase it away, but it ignored her and then started yelling her name.  
  
"CJ? Are you there? CJ?"  
  
She sat up with a start, finding herself on the bed, the curtains drawn to dull the afternoon sun.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
Door.  
  
Rising gingerly, her stomach performed a three point turn before settling in its normal position. Her head took the scenic route.  
  
"CJ. I'm going to call the police if you don't answer."  
  
She leaned against doorways, walls and furniture during her trek to the front door.  
  
"CJ. Please answer me if you're unconscious."  
  
The door opened, forcing the knocker to take a step back in surprise.  
  
"And how would I do that, Woody?"  
  
Josh's forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "Woody?"  
  
"You were knocking on my tree." She waved it off. "Forget it. What do you want?"  
  
"I've come to keep you company." He forced his way past her.  
  
"Aren't I lucky," she mumbled, closing the door and following him into the living room. The couch lured her in with its siren call.  
  
"You don't look so good."  
  
She raised her eyebrows. "It's no wonder you're such a hit with the ladies."  
  
Josh sat beside her and picked up her hand. "You really don't."  
  
"You just woke me up. Why are you here?"  
  
"Your phones and pager are broken."  
  
"They're turned off or unplugged," she explained.  
  
He sighed in relief. "We thought something had happened to you. Tell us before you do that again."  
  
She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry. The press and these wackos trying to save my daughter's soul keep calling and I couldn't deal with it a minute longer."  
  
"We'll get you unlisted numbers tomorrow." Josh retrieved his own cell from his pocket. "I'll just let Leo know you're okay."  
  
CJ leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, listening to the one-sided conversation.  
  
"She doesn't look good."  
  
CJ opened one eye. Josh grinned at her.  
  
"But she's glaring at me, so she can't be too bad. Let Sam and Toby know...Yeah, I will...See you tomorrow." He ended the call and replaced the cell phone.   
  
"You were all worried about me?"  
  
"Of course. Leo didn't think you'd appreciate us en masse." His dimples deepened. "So I volunteered for the mission."  
  
CJ's lips twitched. "You are brave." Their hands entwined and she whispered, "I could use the company."  
  
"Even mine?"  
  
"Even yours."  
  
"You must be desperate." Josh brushed a lock of hair off her face. "How are you really?"  
  
The floodgates opened. Between tears, nearly everything spilled out. Phone calls and insomnia, embarrassment and media speculation, sorrow and shame.  
  
-------  
  
"Fuck you, Tad Whitney," CJ growled at the television. "That's right, I did. What a mistake."  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"I must've fallen and hit my head. Only thing that can account for that lapse of taste."  
  
Josh grabbed the remote and Tad's face disappeared. "I thought you were in the bathroom. I was trying to catch the sports news."  
  
"Don't worry, Josh." She patted his arm. "I would've found out tomorrow anyway."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"I didn't hear, but I'm guessing my great in bed proclamation was a highlight." CJ slumped onto the couch, curling her legs underneath her. "Are all my exes going to crawl out of the primordial ooze?"  
  
Josh sat beside her, his hand resting on her pajama-clad knee. "Probably only those lacking in social decorum or wanting revenge."  
  
"Well, that's quite a few." Her head fell back against the couch. "There were a couple of time periods there when my judgment was highly questionable."  
  
"Any of those time periods within the last four or five years?"  
  
Trick question. Careful with the answer. "I've barely had a relationship in the last five years." Close enough to the truth.  
  
"Then they can fish as much as they want, but they can't insinuate any connection between your job performance and private life."  
  
CJ snorted. "Private life. What a misnomer. What the hell should it matter as long as I do my job properly?"  
  
"I hear you." Josh pulled her sideways to lean against him, her head on his shoulder.  
  
CJ felt her body begin to relax and shifted them to a more comfortable cuddling position.  
  
"Do you want me to stay?" Josh whispered against her hair.  
  
She adjusted his arm across her abdomen. "You might be the next candidate for father if they see you leaving in the morning."  
  
"I'll make sure they know I'm not."  
  
CJ decided to tease. In a hurt voice, she asked, "You wouldn't want to be my daughter's daddy?"  
  
"That isn't what I meant." He stumbled in his back pedaling. "I'd be honored to have a baby with you, though that would mean us having sex and that is a little incesty--"  
  
"Whoa there." She squeezed his arm and looked up at him. "I was joking."  
  
"I knew that." He grinned in embarrassment. "I've still got time to be a father, but this is my only chance to be an uncle."  
  
Tears pooled in her eyes at the confirmation of how he viewed her. "You are sweet, Joshua."  
  
"Close your eyes."  
  
-------  
  
If he were one of hers she'd personally garrote him with his press pass. And whatever rag he worked for would find access to the White House next to impossible.  
  
A string of expletives sounded through her office as a wave of dizziness led to her shin banging against the filing cabinet.  
  
A hand touched her arm. "CJ?"  
  
She swung around, her elbow repeating the collision with the metal.  
  
"Shit, Leo. Are you conspiring with the furniture to kill me?" CJ grimaced and rubbed her elbow.  
  
"What are you doing here? I thought you went home at six." He placed his briefcase on the chair in front of her desk.  
  
She waved her hands in the direction of her assailant. "I remembered something I had to do."  
  
"At eight thirty? It could have waited till tomorrow."  
  
"Stop coddling me," CJ snapped. "You're not my father." Much to her embarrassment, tears followed.  
  
"Sit down, CJ."  
  
She shrugged off his hand. "I need to find out who it was right now."  
  
"Who what was?"  
  
"Which prick of a gutter journalist decided to target my parents," she spat out. "He probably thinks he's Geraldo, interrogating an old man."  
  
Her axis tilted abruptly and this time she didn't protest as Leo grabbed her arm and led her to the couch. She sat bent over, with her head between her knees, until the worst of the dizziness had passed. Straightening slowly, she accepted the glass of water Leo offered.  
  
He waited until she settled back against the couch, before asking firmly, "What happened?"  
  
"Dad called about an hour ago." She rubbed her hand across her forehead. "He wasn't making much sense. He seemed to think I was still in college and said that having a baby now would destroy my future." A sob choked her.  
  
Leo waited patiently for her to continue.  
  
"Then he cried and that started me off and we couldn't understand each other." She paused to wipe her nose. "Mom got back from her walk and calmed us both down. Dad was a bit more coherent and she managed to get some of the story."  
  
"Does he know who the reporter was?"  
  
CJ shook her head while taking another sip of water. "Dad thinks it was an apostle's name, which doesn't exactly narrow the field. I don't even know if he's one of mine. If he is, I'll kill him. He basically told my father his daughter is a slut and his granddaughter a bastard and then wanted details." She stood and walked over to her desk, thumping the glass down. "If they want to attack me, fine. But my family is off limits."  
  
"I'm taking you home, CJ."  
  
"I need to--"  
  
Leo squeezed CJ's arm. "You can't do anything tonight. I'm your boss and if I have to, I'll order you. Grab your bag."  
  
"I've got my car, Leo."  
  
"And after nearly passing out, I'm really going to let you drive it."   
  
Knowing she wasn't going to win this argument, CJ conceded. "Okay. But I'm not staying home tomorrow."  
  
Leo knew when to back off. "As long as you don't kill the entire press corps."  
  
"Can't I just maim a few? I thought that'd make you happy."  
  
"Delirious." He picked up his briefcase and held out his arm, pulling her close when she accepted it. "Is your dad going to be okay?"  
  
CJ heard his concern for her in the unasked portion of that question and answered both with a tired sigh. "I don't know."  
  
-------  
  
Two days and she wasn't any closer to finding out who had called her father. Katie and Steve had done some digging, but all they could tell her was that he was most likely from a tabloid and not one of hers.  
  
He'd either given up on the story or was preparing an expose. CJ thought the second more probable.  
  
She was in daily contact with her parents. Her father was still working his way through the gamut of emotions: embarrassment, anger, shame...she wished she could hold him and tell him it was all going to be okay.  
  
CJ fanned herself with the briefing papers--typical end of June with humidity at one hundred and twenty percent and her hormone-laden body forcing the temperature even higher. She pulled off her glasses, wiping a fine sheen of sweat covering her nose. The contacts had been abandoned earlier in the week, as they became increasingly uncomfortable. Her whole body was changing.  
  
And today it was going crazy. A dull headache had taken up residence in her temples and she was jittery and a little on the dizzy side. At least she wasn't sweating excessively like earlier in the day.  
  
Only an hour to go.  
  
"Five minutes, CJ."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You all right?"  
  
CJ looked up at Carol's concerned expression and smiled to ease her worry. "I'm fine, just a little hot."  
  
"Do you want some iced water?"  
  
"No, thanks." She rose slowly. "I don't want a full bladder before briefing."  
  
The briefing, as with every briefing since the announcement, eventually turned its questions on her. The focus had shifted slightly during the week from attacks to speculation and conjecture on everything, from what role religion had played in her going ahead with the pregnancy to the dangers associated with her age. There seemed to be a nationwide search for the father.  
  
She was considering making a recording of 'The White House doesn't comment on the private lives of its staff'.  
  
"What part of no comment don't you understand, David?"  
  
The room spun and she lowered her head to fix her gaze on the podium, her knuckles white as they gripped the sides. Breathe in, breathe out, slow down. She couldn't moisten her mouth and the hot lights weren't making her sweat as they normally did.  
  
"CJ," Carol whispered in her ear, her hand under CJ's elbow. "Finish up."  
  
CJ raised her head to find a number of her reporters looking worried. She must be a sight.  
  
"Okay. If no one has any questions that I can answer with something other than no comment--" CJ paused and couldn't remember what was next.  
  
She heard Carol finish up over the increased thudding in her temples and allowed herself to be guided out of the room.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
CJ leaned back against the wall outside the press room, trying to slow down her heart and clear her head. Black spots danced in front of her eyes and the briefing folder slipped from her fingers.  
  
Her last memory was of the floor rushing up at her and Carol screaming for help.  
  
-------   
  
Tired. So tired. Her eyes protested their opening but she needed to know where she was.  
  
White ceiling. Blurry. Where were her glasses?  
  
She blinked and her focus improved a little.  
  
Bed.  
  
Drip pinching the skin on the back of her left hand.  
  
Sore muscles.  
  
Panic.  
  
Where was she? Where was her daughter?  
  
Her palms and fingers tried to locate her, tried to feel for the slight bulge below her waist. Was it still there? Was her daughter still there?  
  
An ultrasound. That's what she needed.  
  
"CJ."  
  
Hands covered hers, squeezing them tight.  
  
"CJ, she's okay. You still have her."  
  
She looked up into what she assumed was Abbey's face. It was at least her voice.  
  
"You sure?" Her throat and mouth were dry and raspy.  
  
"I'm positive. Your daughter is fine."  
  
Sobs. But no tears. Where were the tears?  
  
Arms around her, cheek to cheek, rocking.  
  
"Everything's all right. Go back to sleep."  
  
Exhaustion. Darkness.  
  
She tried to fight it, but she wasn't strong enough. Never strong enough.  
  
Better. Her mouth was moist, she wet her lips. Still a little blurry, but she could see Abbey sitting to the right of the bed. It was her face. Her smile.  
  
"How are you feeling?" She leaned close and brushed CJ's cheek.  
  
"I don't know." Her throat hurt.  
  
Abbey stood and fetched a cup of water, holding the straw and propping up CJ's head as she sipped.  
  
"You want to sit up a bit?"  
  
CJ nodded and the next minutes were spent rearranging the bed. Her hands came to rest on her stomach.  
  
"Is she really okay?"  
  
Abbey held her right hand. "Yes, she's fine. Doctor Martin will be in to see you soon. What do you remember?"   
  
"The briefing. My head hurt and I was dizzy. Carol helped me out." CJ pinched the bridge of her nose with the fingers of her left hand, the drip pulling and catching her attention. "I dropped my folder and she screamed."  
  
"You need to give Carol a raise. I don't think scaring her half to death was in the job description. She grabbed your arm." Abbey traced a ring of blue finger marks around CJ's upper arm. "And protected your stomach as you fell. A couple of your reporters, I think it was Mark and Steve, helped carry you to your office. And then the ambulance brought you here."  
  
"Why--" CJ cleared her throat. "Why did I pass out?"  
  
"How much did you have to drink yesterday and today?"  
  
CJ frowned. "I don't know. I had a number of meetings and I didn't want to be needing a toilet break every five minutes, so a little less than normal I guess."  
  
"With the heat and humidity and the pregnancy increasing your body temperature, you need to be drinking water constantly."  
  
"I can't be interrupting meetings all day--"  
  
Abbey cut her off. "CJ, when they brought you in, your urine output was nil. You had severe dehydration." She waited for that to sink in before continuing in a firm tone. "You were very lucky you didn't miscarry or end up with kidney damage."  
  
"Really?" CJ felt like throwing up.  
  
"Yes." Abbey sighed. "I don't want to scare you, CJ, but you need to make sure you drink plenty and cut out the coffee. Also you need looser, cooler clothing. This can't happen again."  
  
CJ sniffed and wiped her nose. "Okay." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "How long am I in here for?"  
  
"I don't know. Depends on how quickly they can get your fluid levels back to normal."  
  
CJ shook with a muffled sob. "I can't do this."  
  
The mattress shifted and CJ didn't fight as Abbey pulled her into an embrace, her face buried in the older woman's neck.  
  
"Yes, you can."  
  
She was rehydrated enough for tears.  
  
-------  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
CJ looked over to the doorway of her hospital room, smiling when she saw the visitor.  
  
"Depends. Did you bring paperwork with you?"  
  
"No paperwork."  
  
"Then you can enter."  
  
Carol crossed directly to the bed, dropping a parcel and her bag on the end before throwing her arms around CJ.  
  
"Don't you ever do that to me again," she whispered in CJ's ear.  
  
CJ tightened the hug and swallowed tears. "I'll try not to. Thank you."  
  
Embarrassment tinged Carol's cheeks when she pulled back, unsure whether she should have requested permission before crossing the line between assistant and friend. CJ squeezed her hand in reassurance.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Carol sat down on the chair next to the bed.  
  
"Tired." She rubbed the back of her hand where the drip had been inserted. "My fluid levels are back to normal, but my blood pressure has gone through the roof. Only advantage of the dehydration was the low blood pressure." CJ grinned wanly.  
  
Carol's forehead furrowed in concern. "Is there anything they can do?"  
  
"Bed rest and no stress. The bed rest is the only thing Dr. Martin can control, so I'm stuck here for the duration. They'll try medication if that doesn't help."  
  
"Well, don't worry about work. Henry and Simon are doing fine and Leo read the press corps the riot act."  
  
CJ cringed. "He didn't?"  
  
"Off the record of course. He told them that if anything happened to you or the baby he'd hold them personally responsible." Carol smiled. "And he threatened he'd take over the briefings."  
  
CJ couldn't prevent a small smile of her own at that thought, but the worry returned. "I wish he hadn't done that. How the hell am I supposed to go back in front of them now? My credibility is gone."  
  
"CJ." Carol leaned forward and clasped CJ's hand between her own. "It's okay. Most of the senior reporters were already worried about you and haven't been happy with the gutter journalism. I thought Steve, Katie, Mark, Chris and a couple of the others were going to applaud Leo." She pulled an envelope from her handbag. "They asked me to give you this."  
  
Inside a get well and congratulations card, signed by eleven of the reporters, were two fairly sizeable gift certificates. One was for a baby store she'd passed surreptitiously several times and would now be able to enter; the second entitled her to a day of massage and pampering.  
  
CJ bit her lip, wiping away several stray tears. "Could you please get me their home addresses? I'll send them thank you notes." She knew they were risking some damage to their careers by showing her such friendship and care.  
  
Carol took the card and quickly transcribed the names. She handed it back, receiving two envelopes in exchange.  
  
"And could you give these thank you notes to Mark and Steve?"  
  
"Sure." Carol tucked them in her bag, before reaching to the end of the bed for the parcel. "To keep you company."  
  
The wrapping paper featured teddy bears and ducks. CJ wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at rubber ducks the same way again.  
  
She laughed after she'd unwrapped the gift. "Where did you find it?"  
  
A small collar with a tag inscribed 'Gail' encircled one fin of the plush goldfish.  
  
"I have my ways." Carol grinned. "I thought you'd be missing her and this way you can cuddle her without suffocating her."  
  
"Thank you. It's perfect." CJ pulled Carol close, kissing her on the cheek. "There's something I want to ask you."  
  
"Don't worry about Gail. I'm feeding her."  
  
"That wasn't it, but thanks for the reassurance." She paused, rubbing the fish collar between her thumb and forefinger before meeting Carol's eyes. "Would you be my daughter's godmother?"  
  
Carol's eyes widened, and she opened and closed her mouth several times before forcing out, "Are you sure? I'm only your assistant."  
  
"You've never been only anything, Carol. I spend more time with you than anyone. You're one of my closest friends and I'd like you to be her godmother."  
  
"I'd be honored."  
  
CJ pointed at Carol's trembling lip. "Don't start. I've done enough of that for both of us." As Carol pulled her into an embrace, she finished, "And you're not tutoring her in spelling."  
  
-------  
  
Dr. Martin would only release her on the condition of strict bed rest until her blood pressure stabilized. That wasn't going to happen at home, so Abbey and the President insisted she stay at the Residence.  
  
CJ had been reluctant, but faced with at least another week in the hospital, she'd agreed. A nurse taught her how to take her own blood pressure as Dr. Martin wanted daily monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy.  
  
Her initial misgivings had evaporated within hours while sitting in a huge comfortable bed and eating a tasty meal. She received frequent visits from her colleagues, which broke up the monotony of the days, and Abbey spent as much time as she could with her. The First Lady was a card shark.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Caught. CJ quickly flicked from C-Span to NBC and smiled innocently at Abbey. "That Sami Brady is a real bitch."  
  
"And maybe I should cut your cable access." Abbey reached the bed carrying a large box.  
  
"For me?"  
  
"Arrived by courier. No return address, but security scanned it and aren't worried." She placed it down next to CJ. "And I mean it, stop watching the briefings."   
  
"Yes, Mom."  
  
Abbey cut through the tape, opening the box and pulling out an object wrapped in pale green paper. She handed it to CJ before moving the box to the floor and sitting in its place. "You going to unwrap it?"  
  
CJ looked nervously at the parcel in her lap, taking a deep breath and locating the end of the paper. She froze when the gift was revealed.  
  
"Oh, CJ. It's gorgeous."  
  
CJ just stared, too many emotions competing for supremacy.  
  
"CJ?" Abbey gained her attention by squeezing her arm. "What's wrong?"  
  
She opened her mouth but no sound emerged. Her gaze was drawn back to the enormous gift basket filled with candies, ornaments, soaps and bubble baths.  
  
And in pride of place in the center, two plush giraffes. A large 'giraffe'-colored one and a very cute small one in purple and white. Mom and baby.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"It's from Danny." Her voice broke on his name.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
She nodded, unable to look away. "He--he used to call me giraffe. Tall, graceful, beautiful. I told him I was only one of those three." CJ reached out to stroke the head of the larger toy through the cellophane. "The rest are my favorites and the ornaments are for Gail's bowl."  
  
Abbey untied the green ribbon from the top of the cellophane, opening it out and picking up the toys. She handed them to CJ before moving the basket to the other side of the bed.  
  
CJ placed the giraffes on the bed closer to Abbey, not willing to have any more contact than necessary. But she couldn't keep her eyes off them.  
  
"He loves you." Abbey picked up the smaller one. "And there's a part of him which can't help loving this baby simply because she's yours."  
  
CJ shook her head, pursing her lips in an attempt to contain the emotional turmoil. No, she couldn't allow herself to contemplate that possibility.  
  
"Look." Abbey pointed to a 'Press here' sticker on its hoof and followed the instructions.  
  
The little giraffe's neck began to sway from side to side and a child's voice sang, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, how are you?"  
  
Abbey smiled as the line repeated, followed by, "Thank you, thank you, I am fine and I hope that you are too."   
  
Closing her eyes and pressing her hand to her mouth, CJ choked on a sob. She didn't need this, not now.   
  
"You should call and thank him."  
  
CJ snorted and grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table. "I think that kinda defeats his intention of sending it anonymously."  
  
"If he didn't want you to know, he wouldn't have made it so personal." Abbey gestured at the basket. "And if he didn't still care, he wouldn't have sent it."   
  
Damn Abbey's logic.  
  
"Tell him the truth."  
  
"I can't!" CJ implored.  
  
"You mean you won't."  
  
Damn bed rest. She couldn't escape the inquisition. "I'm not arguing semantics with you."  
  
"You're making a mistake." Abbey didn't know the meaning of backing off.  
  
"And it's my mistake to make."  
  
"I'd normally agree, but you are affecting two other lives and you don't have the right to do that," Abbey replied firmly.  
  
CJ snapped. "And what was the President's and your excuse?"  
  
Abbey ignored the jibe. "What are you going to tell your daughter when she asks who her dad is?"  
  
"Danny will be on the birth certificate." She'd never intended anything else. It was the least she could do.  
  
"And when she asks whether you loved him?"  
  
CJ wound the edge of the sheet around her fingers. "By the time she's old enough to understand, this will be over and he'll know."  
  
"So you will tell him after the term is over?" Abbey's expression was disbelieving.  
  
CJ looked down at the sheet. "Probably."  
  
"Do you really think he would forgive you for making him miss the first three years of his daughter's life?"  
  
"I don't know." CJ shrugged. "But he wouldn't turn his child away."  
  
"What if he's moved on? Married, a family of his own?"  
  
No. CJ shook her head. No.  
  
"CJ. Look at me."  
  
Abbey's school ma'am tone was next to impossible to ignore. Her eyes weren't any softer.  
  
"You can't expect him to pine away for the next three and a half years. Yes, he still loves you. But he doesn't trust you and as far as he knows there isn't anything worth waiting for."  
  
CJ bit her lip. She didn't want to think about it, she was having enough trouble surviving the here and now.  
  
"He's already uprooted his life. Is it fair of you to disrupt it again in a couple of years?"  
  
She blurted out the first thought that entered her head. "If he really loved me he wouldn't have left."   
  
"You've got to be kidding, CJ." Abbey shook her head. "You told him you cheated on him and were carrying another man's baby. You expected him to be okay with that?"  
  
"He should have known me well enough to know I wouldn't cheat on him," CJ whispered, looking back down at her hands twisting the material.  
  
"I don't know what fairytale you're living in--"  
  
"The same one where I thought I could fall in love with one of my reporters."  
  
-------  
  



	8. Chapter 8

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (8/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
Impossible to sleep.  
  
Sick of tossing and turning, CJ rose from the bed and dressed in a pair of loose sweat pants and a t-shirt, slippers on her feet. She opened the door slowly, poking her head out to survey the hall. Empty. Make a run for it.  
  
Fully expecting a Secret Service team to leap out of the shadows and drag her back to bed, CJ walked as quietly as possible towards the West Wing while trying not to appear suspicious. Abbey and Dr. Martin would probably tie her to the bed if they found out, but she needed a change of scenery. Lying back there with her thoughts was more of a danger to her blood pressure than a short stroll.  
  
Silent sentinels stepped out at her approach, relaxing and nodding as they recognized her. Passing each, CJ wondered if they were rushing to the nearest phone to alert the First Lady.  
  
Her feet subconsciously chose her path, stopping outside the pressroom door. A wave of anxiety broke over her as she pushed the door open. Swallowing nervously, she forced herself to enter and step up to the podium.  
  
The edges dug into her fingers as she gripped her old friend. She stared at the wood before raising her eyes to the darkened seats. They swam in front of her, distorted through uncorrected vision and a thin film of tears.  
  
How was she going to get back up here? Could she throw herself to the clamoring hoards again? Did she have the right to expose her daughter to an existence of curious stares and whispered innuendo?  
  
The room tilted and her legs wobbled. She needed to sit down before she fell down.  
  
His seat beckoned and she surrendered to its pull. She slipped out of her shoes and brought her knees up to her chest, her stomach not yet large enough to prevent the position.  
  
Closing her eyes and breathing deeply, she felt his essence wrap around her in a comforting shroud. With little effort, she conjured up his image, felt his chest pressed against her back, his hands overlaying her stomach. His aftershave, his breath and whiskers on the side of her neck, his voice whispering her name...  
  
"CJ."  
  
Something touched her shoulder and she jerked awake.  
  
"Are you all right, CJ?"  
  
It was Leo's voice.  
  
"Yeah." She lowered her feet back to the floor.  
  
Leo sat down next to her. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I needed some fresh air. Don't tell Abbey, she'll ground me." CJ stared straight ahead at the podium. "And you?"  
  
"I was leaving when one of the guards mentioned you were wandering." He paused. "How's your dad doing?"  
  
CJ sighed heavily. "He thinks this was his fault. That if he hadn't called me--" She leaned forward, resting her face in her hands. "I should've insisted the President accept my resignation."  
  
"You know he wouldn't take it. And he's not going to now."  
  
"I'm a liability, Leo." She gestured towards the stage. "I have no credibility up there. You told me the administration comes first."  
  
"And how is leaving now going to help?"  
  
She searched for an answer in her lap.  
  
"CJ, look at me."  
  
She slowly looked up.  
  
"If you really want to go, we won't stop you. But the headlines won't disappear. Mary Marsh and her ilk will say that this confirms your child is an embarrassment. Do you want to give them that satisfaction?" Leo raised his eyebrows in question as he took her hand.  
  
CJ shook her head in the negative, her shoulders slumped.  
  
"I spent years in a bottle trying to drown out the critics, the voices telling me I wasn't worthy, wasn't needed. But the worst of those voices were in my head." He squeezed her hand. "Believe me, CJ. Reality is never as bad as you're imagining it will be. Don't run. Stay and fight. Do it for your daughter. But most of all, do it for yourself."  
  
"What if I'm not strong enough?" She winced at her tiny, frightened voice.  
  
"You are strong enough. It takes more strength to acknowledge you need help. There's no shame in asking for and accepting it." He cupped her cheek with his other hand. "There are so many people who love you and want to help you anyway they can. Let us."  
  
Leo's uncharacteristic show of physical affection touched her deeply. "So I shouldn't be mad at you for threatening my press corps?"  
  
"Exactly. You learn fast." He rewarded her with his little grin. "Maybe you need to consider asking your baby's father for help."  
  
CJ took a deep breath. "I'm not going to get married to fit into some outmoded view of what a family is supposed to look like. And I make enough money to support myself and my daughter."  
  
"That isn't what I meant."  
  
Her fingers worried the hem of her t-shirt. "He's not in the picture and it's best it stays that way. This--" She waved her hand, encompassing the podium and silent television monitors. "This is going to be hard enough to juggle with a baby. I don't need-- Just leave it alone, Leo. Please."  
  
He nodded. "Okay. But make sure you don't wake up one morning and find you've missed your daughter growing up. You can't get that back."  
  
"I don't intend to."  
  
"None of us ever do."  
  
-------  
  
"Five minutes."  
  
"Yeah," CJ acknowledged. Where had she put that folder?  
  
"Looking for this?"  
  
She turned to find Carol holding out her quarry. "Thanks. What would I do without you?"  
  
"I have no idea." Carol smirked. "How are you feeling?"  
  
CJ stopped her preparation and glared at her assistant. "Am I going to get this interrogation for the next five months?"  
  
"Yeah, so get used to it."  
  
"I should've known assistant and godmother was a bad combination." CJ grabbed the rest of her required materials and headed for the door. "I'm feeling good."  
  
And she was. In the two weeks she'd been back at work since her collapse, her stomach had burgeoned and the press corps had been on their best behavior. She was expecting the honeymoon to end at any moment, but it was a pleasant change to be the center of curiosity and excitement, rather than attack.  
  
If only she could get her colleagues to understand she wasn't going to break. Being treated like a china doll wore on her patience, and sooner or later she was going to snap some well-meaning person's head off.  
  
She stopped outside the press room and rubbed her stomach. It had been churning the last few days and she wondered whether something she was eating wasn't agreeing with her. Though it didn't quite feel like indigestion.  
  
The end of the briefing was in sight when the churning developed into something else. CJ paused, one hand covering her abdomen.  
  
Carol moved to her side within seconds. "CJ? You okay?"  
  
"Yeah," she whispered, not very convincingly. Looking back to her audience, she found a mass of concern. In her best briefing voice, she continued, "Thanks for the worry, everyone. I think my child is telling me to cut back on the vegetables and feed her more sugar. Moving right along..."  
  
Her relief at escaping the press room was short lived as she found Josh and Abbey waiting with the kid gloves in the corridor.  
  
"I'm okay," she stated, holding up her hands.  
  
Abbey saw straight through the cover to the fear beneath. Grabbing CJ's elbow, she steered her towards her office. "Let me be the judge of that."  
  
There was no point in protesting once Abbey got involved, so CJ followed her instructions.  
  
"Sit down on the couch. Carol, could you close the door? You need to stay outside, Josh. I want to do a quick examination."  
  
Abbey sat down next to her and grasped her hand to get her attention. "What's going on?"  
  
CJ shrugged. "I've had this weird churning, but not really churning, feeling the last few days."  
  
"And what happened in there?"  
  
"It was a lot stronger." CJ rubbed her free hand over the bump. "Really sudden."  
  
"Do you have this feeling all day?"  
  
"No. It comes and goes."  
  
"You're, what? Just over twenty weeks?"  
  
CJ nodded.  
  
Abbey smiled and placed her other hand on CJ's stomach. "That weird churning is your daughter."  
  
"Her moving?" CJ couldn't help sounding skeptical.  
  
"I'd say she hit the side of the uterus while you were briefing. She's still got a lot of room to move around in there."  
  
CJ's forehead creased in confusion. "I don't know exactly what I expected, but that wasn't it."  
  
"Don't worry. Many first time moms don't recognize it. It's like a bad case of butterflies. It'll get stronger over the next few weeks and then the fun starts. She'll usually kick while you're trying to sleep, and it'll feel like she's trying to break out."  
  
"Great," CJ replied with a mixture of excitement and horror.  
  
Abbey kissed CJ on the cheek and draped her arm around her shoulders. "She already knows her mom's natural environment and wants in on the act."  
  
"And her dad's." CJ blinked back tears and leaned her forehead against Abbey's.  
  
"With that pedigree, her career is predestined."  
  
"And here I was hoping for an astronaut." CJ laughed through the sniffles.  
  
Abbey stroked her hair. "Jed will be grooming her from birth. Cregg in 2014."  
  
"That's ambitious."  
  
"With this group as her family, she'll be eleven going on forty."  
  
CJ smiled as her daughter moved in agreement.  
  
-------   
  
"Look at this, Aunt CJ. It's so cute."  
  
She should never have let Hogan drag her into the baby shop.  
  
"It's lovely, Hogan. But her closet is already bigger than mine and she isn't even going to be here for another four months." CJ fingered the tiny red velvet dress. It was beautiful.  
  
Hogan began her sales pitch. "Babies need lots of clothes, usually a couple of changes per day, and they grow really quickly."  
  
CJ smiled. "When did you become the baby expert?"  
  
"I've been reading and Simone's mom just had a baby. He was a bit of a surprise too." Hogan looked at the outfit longingly and then back at CJ. "I'd like to buy it for her. It should be the right size to wear at Christmas."  
  
"She'll look gorgeous." CJ squeezed Hogan's shoulder. "Thank you."  
  
While Hogan went to the sales counter, a plush toy caught CJ's eye. She grinned as she recognized it, remembering Danny protesting vehemently that he didn't look anything like the Cowardly Lion from 'The Wizard of Oz'.  
  
Picking it up, she stared into its furry face. Definitely him.  
  
"Cool. They've got all of them." Hogan pointed to Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tinman sitting on the shelf.  
  
"I didn't realize 'Wizard of Oz' was still known to today's youth," CJ teased.  
  
Hogan rolled her eyes in response. "You should buy them."  
  
"I'll start with this one." She retrieved her purse from her bag. "We'd better go and hit the dress stores. I don't know how many stock semiformal maternity dresses."  
  
As it turned out, more than she expected. Unfortunately her dislike of frills and pastels quickly cut down the list.  
  
"This one has really stylish dresses."  
  
CJ looked in the window. "Yes, it does. So I doubt they'll have what I want."  
  
"Let's find out." Hogan grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, immediately honing in on a sales assistant. "Hi. Do you have any cocktail dresses that would fit my five-month pregnant aunt?"  
  
"Hogan!"  
  
"She doesn't want frills and would prefer darker solid colors."  
  
The sales assistant, a well-dressed woman in her mid-fifties, smiled at Hogan. "I think we might have exactly what your aunt is after. Follow me." She led them to a rack of maternity dresses. "The cocktail dresses are on this end. I think this size should be right."  
  
CJ took several of the dresses indicated into the change room.  
  
"Too loose," Hogan commented on the first one. "You want to show off your tummy and breasts."  
  
CJ shared a smile with the assistant, before addressing Hogan. "Do I?"  
  
"Pregnant women are sexy."  
  
"Hate to break the news to you, Sweetie, but I don't feel remotely sexy."  
  
"That's because you haven't found the right dress," Hogan replied with the certainty of a teenager.  
  
Swallowing a laugh, CJ inquired, "So I should try on the next one?"  
  
Hogan nodded enthusiastically.  
  
The second dress was a possibility, the third a little severe in appearance, or as Hogan termed it, the funeral dress.  
  
CJ knew the fourth was it as soon as she glanced in the mirror. A vibrant red, the cut of the material highlighted her newly discovered cleavage and skimmed over her bump. She didn't want to appear ashamed, but she also didn't want the size of her stomach defining her. This was perfect; not too obvious, yet not hiding it.  
  
"That's the dress," Hogan cried, as CJ walked out.  
  
CJ inspected herself from all angles in the larger mirrors. "You think so?"  
  
"It's beautiful."  
  
"Not sexy?" CJ queried in mock disappointment.  
  
"Very sexy," Hogan assured her.  
  
The sales assistant approached them. "It does look lovely and is a perfect fit."  
  
"Not too perfect I hope." CJ ran her hands down the sides of her breasts. "I don't want to grow out of it before I wear it."  
  
"How far away is it?"  
  
"Four days."  
  
"You'll be fine. The material still has some give around the bust and I doubt you'll grow that much in four days."  
  
"So it's probably just my imagination that I gain a dress size overnight." CJ gave herself one last look over to confirm. "Okay. I'll buy it."  
  
-------  
  
"Hurry up, CJ."  
  
"I'll be ready in a minute, Josh, and if you knock on that door one more time--"  
  
"We're going to be late," he called through the hotel room door.  
  
CJ fixed her earrings. "Are the President and First Lady down there yet?"  
  
"No, but--"  
  
"This is ridiculous," CJ mumbled to herself, opening the door. "Come in and stop yelling." She didn't glance at him, instead walking back to the mirror and picking up her lipstick. "You're never on time."  
  
The room was too quiet. Locating Josh's reflection in the mirror, she grinned at his stunned expression. She turned to face him. "So, do I look okay?"  
  
"You're wearing that?"  
  
"Yes, brother dear. I thought I'd play up the scarlet woman image. Just need the big 'S' to complete the outfit." CJ rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror.  
  
Josh held up his hands in defense. "That isn't what I meant. I was just--you look amazing, CJ."   
  
"Thanks."  
  
"At least with this being the fundraiser for the cardiac research institute, there should be plenty of doctors on hand to save all the men having heart attacks." He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "They'll be lining up around the block wanting to be the father of this baby. But don't worry, I'll be vetting them."  
  
"You will?" CJ replaced the lid on the lipstick.  
  
"Only the best for my niece." He kissed her on the cheek. "Ready?"  
  
-------  
  
Maybe she should have gone with the funeral dress. The event was only officially forty minutes old and she'd already had more attention than she wanted. She wasn't sure if it was the dress or the curiosity value of a single pregnant White House Press Secretary. But she had no doubt it would be the dress as the alcohol consumption increased.  
  
She tried to stick close to her colleagues, but had lost them when her daughter's new game of using her bladder as a jumping castle had necessitated a bathroom break.  
  
Scanning the ballroom, she heard her name called from behind her. God, no.  
  
"CJ."  
  
She swallowed and plastered on a smile before turning.  
  
"Danny. I didn't realize political editors covered social events."  
  
Desire flared in his eyes as he glanced over her. It was quickly buried under his professional demeanor and a mixture of thinly disguised anger and sadness.  
  
"I don't."  
  
He was wearing a tie she had given him and the dinner suit--  
  
"Actually I talked him into it, I really wanted to meet you."  
  
CJ's attention shifted to a young, pretty brunette, her arm linked through Danny's.  
  
"I'm Louise Shearer."  
  
CJ shook her outstretched hand. "CJ Cregg."  
  
"It's such a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Cregg. I'm only reporting on local level politics at the moment, but I hope to make it to the White House Press Corps one day."  
  
CJ hoped her smile didn't appear as false as it felt. "Well, Danny is definitely the one to give you tips."  
  
"Yeah." Louise squeezed his arm. "He's really taken me under his wing."  
  
Jealousy bubbled within her, as Danny smiled at Louise and patted her hand. "You're very fortunate."  
  
"I know. I still don't understand why he would want to leave the White House, but I'm glad to have the opportunity to learn from him."   
  
CJ quelled the urge to ask where the teaching was taking place. Abbey was right; she'd let him go and couldn't expect him to pine away for her. But she'd expected a slightly longer mourning period. And to parade his new-- If he was trying to hurt her, it was working. She quickly glanced around, searching for an escape route as Louise continued to gush.  
  
"And I think you're so brave, not caring what anyone thinks and just doing your job."  
  
"Thank you," she replied politely, as she forced her hand away from her neck. Danny would recognize the meaning of the neck rubbing. She avoided looking at him, not wanting to know if he was taking any pleasure from her discomfort.  
  
"There you are, CJ."  
  
CJ muffled an audible sigh of relief and turned in the direction of the voice. "Ma'am. You need me?" Her eyes begged Abbey for rescue, while she tried not to sound desperate.  
  
"There's someone I want you to talk to." Abbey acknowledged her companions. "Nice to see you again, Danny. The White House isn't quite the same without you."  
  
"Hello, Mrs Bartlet. I'd like to introduce you to Louise Shearer, one of my most promising reporters."  
  
Abbey shook the hand of the tongue-tied Louise. "Lovely to meet you, Louise. You must be good to catch Danny's eye."  
  
CJ felt Danny's gaze on her but didn't meet it.  
  
Abbey linked her arm with CJ's. "I hope you don't mind, but I need to steal this lady."  
  
After brief farewells, CJ followed Abbey outside onto a balcony. She didn't relax until she knew she was out of sight of the room's occupants.  
  
"Sit down." Abbey pulled her over to a seat.  
  
"Thank you." CJ took several deep breaths of the cool night air. "If I'd known he was going to be here..."  
  
"It's just as well you didn't then."  
  
CJ regarded Abbey suspiciously. "You knew." It was a statement, not a question.  
  
"You need to talk to him."  
  
"Abbey. Butt out." She started to rise.  
  
Abbey grabbed her hand and stated in a firm voice, "Don't throw this opportunity away, CJ."  
  
"What opportunity? He's already moved on."  
  
Abbey laughed. "Louise? She isn't even close to being in the picture. I won't deny she's probably attracted to him, but it's mostly hero worship." She clasped CJ's chin and made her look directly at her. "As for Danny, he's watching one woman in that room."  
  
"He's probably hoping I'll spontaneously combust."  
  
"He's only ever had eyes for you, CJ." Abbey moved her hands to cup CJ's cheeks. "Take the chance."  
  
-------   
  



	9. Chapter 9

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (9/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
Another hour of small talk and political maneuvering and CJ needed fresh air.  
  
She wandered back out to the seat at the far end of the balcony, relieved to kick off her shoes and close her eyes for a few minutes.  
  
"May I join you?"   
  
He must have followed her out.  
  
Her stomach clenched as she kept her eyes closed. "If you want." She smelt his cologne and felt his sleeve brush her arm. Only when she knew he was seated next to her did she open her eyes, fixing her stare straight ahead.  
  
They sat in silence for several minutes. CJ struggled to keep her tension levels capped, clasping her hands on her lap to stop them fidgeting. He was too close and she was too aware of every contour of his body.  
  
He finally spoke. "How are you?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"You look...really good."  
  
"Thanks." She kept her tone flat.  
  
"How--how's the baby?"  
  
"Good."  
  
"That's--good. Look, we need to talk."  
  
"I thought that's what we were doing."  
  
He growled in frustration. "CJ."  
  
"Where's Louise?" CJ pointed towards the room. "You shouldn't leave her alone too long. A lot of men on the prowl in there and they can smell fresh meat. You don't want to have to fight them for her."  
  
"You don't have to worry about Louise."  
  
She bent awkwardly and pulled on her heels. "I need to get back in there."  
  
Danny grabbed her wrist. "We need to talk."  
  
"I think we've already exhausted all possible topics." She tried to shake off his hold, but he tightened his grip. Combined with a glare, she hissed, "Let go of me."  
  
"No." Determination lined his face. "I'm not leaving you alone until we talk."  
  
"We've got nothing to talk about."  
  
He moved his face closer to hers and lowered his voice. "Yes, we do. I've been doing the math and I want to know how you can be so sure she was conceived in the week I was away."  
  
CJ quickly glanced around for anyone in hearing range. "Not here, Danny," she growled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Then where? Because I'm not leaving until you answer me."  
  
His tone and facial expression left her in no doubt he was serious. She glanced at her watch, struggling to determine the best course of action.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"Come up to my room in ten minutes. 607." She regretted the invitation as soon as it left her mouth. But what choice did she have?  
  
"Okay."  
  
She stood as he released her wrist, practically bolting towards the door.  
  
-------  
  
What the hell was she going to tell him?  
  
She paced back and forth in stockinged feet in her hotel room, shaking her head.  
  
This was madness. She couldn't tell him the truth, but how could she get him to believe the lie?  
  
They'd always used the diaphragm; she didn't use anything with Mark. She knew when she ovulated--  
  
The knock on the door.  
  
CJ froze, the second knock prompting her into opening the door.  
  
"Come in." She didn't look directly at him as he entered and spent an extra minute examining the wood of the door after she closed it. Taking a deep breath, she turned and started, "Danny..."  
  
He was standing close, close enough that she took a step back into the door. But it was his eyes that tipped her world on its axis. She'd never expected to see that look again.  
  
"You're so beautiful," he whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek.   
  
She couldn't do anything as he pressed her against the door with his body, as his lips brushed across hers. She couldn't do anything but respond, their kiss growing rapidly in passion as her arms encircled his neck. His hand pulled her dress up around her waist, before slipping between her legs. She whimpered at the first touch on her clit, the push of his hardening penis against her thigh, the presence of their child between them.   
  
He must've removed his dinner jacket while she was closing the door. Made it easier to pull the shirt out of his pants and feel his skin under her fingertips. The fine hairs on his torso, the warmth, his taste, the prickle of his beard against her face, the guttural sounds as his arousal increased... God, she'd missed him.  
  
Danny pulled back and the loss of contact restarted the rational side of her brain. She had to stop this; she couldn't use his body before they talked. She couldn't give him hope and then tear it away. She couldn't hurt him like that again.  
  
"Danny."  
  
"Sshh." He shook his head and placed his finger on her lips.  
  
"We need to--"  
  
He replaced his finger with his lips, swallowing her protest. The hormones and arousal surging through her body swamped the dissenting views. There was only her need for him.  
  
They stood naked next to the bed, Danny behind her with his hands cupping her breasts, learning their new shape. She leaned back against his chest, her head tilted to the side as he nuzzled her neck.  
  
She moaned as he flicked her nipples and trailed his hands down her body, stopping at her belly. With slow reverent motions, he traced every square inch of the distended skin. She bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears, but couldn't prevent a muffled sob heaving through her chest.  
  
Danny pressed his face against her cheek, not even attempting to hide his own tears. He kept one hand on her stomach, the other slipping between her legs. She rocked against his palm, as his erection slid between her thighs.  
  
Lying spooned on the bed, Danny arranged their limbs and slowly pushed inside her. One hand remained over their child, the other pressing against her clit. Her orgasm hit hard and fast, her sensitivity heightened by pregnancy hormones.  
  
When she recovered, she started to press back against his groin, but he wasn't able to move fast or deep enough.  
  
"Knees," she whispered.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
CJ nodded and he pulled out, helping her rise to her hands and knees. Clasping her hips, he rubbed the tip of his penis across her clit and folds.  
  
"Now, Danny."  
  
He pushed all the way in, before resting his upper body against her back and sliding his arms around her body, his hands coming to rest in their previous positions.  
  
CJ closed her eyes as they rocked together, concentrating on the feel of him and the rush of arousal. He rose carefully, keeping his hands where she wanted them most, and started thrusting. She easily matched his rhythm; they'd always been compatible in this, able to anticipate each other's needs.  
  
As another orgasm began to build, she felt stirrings of a different nature. Only faint, but over the last week or two she'd come to recognize the initial weak movements.  
  
One last deep thrust, the moan of her name, ragged breathing, a finger pressed hard on her clit, and she followed him. He slumped against her for a few seconds, kissing her shoulder blade, murmuring his affections. Wanting to retain possession of her, he somehow, without withdrawing completely, lowered them to again lie spooned on the bed.  
  
She couldn't escape even if she wanted to. Her muscles were lax with fatigue, her brain drowned in hormones. Nothing she could do other than relax against him.  
  
Both his hands caressed her stomach, his heart beating directly behind hers. The only sound their slowing breathing. Her eyes closed.  
  
It could have been seconds, minutes, hours. She had no idea. Their positions hadn't altered, he kept her imprisoned within his arms, her body hooked on his.  
  
"You awake?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He kissed her shoulder. "We need to talk."  
  
She automatically stiffened and tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let go.  
  
"Stop fighting me, CJ." His chest vibrated against her back. "We made love the night before I left and the night I got back. I was only gone five nights. How can you be so sure she was conceived then?"  
  
She was saved from answering by a sharp kick.  
  
Danny held his breath, his hands pressing on her belly.  
  
Another.  
  
"Is that--"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Wow."  
  
The awe in his voice triggered silent tears.  
  
"If there's any chance that she's mine, even the slightest, I want to be there." He paused at another kick. "Is there a chance?"  
  
His mixture of longing and restrained hope broke her.  
  
"Yes," she whispered.  
  
He leaned his face against her shoulder, her skin growing damp from his tears. She squeezed his hands, waiting until he composed himself enough to speak again.  
  
"Can I, umm, have a paternity test now? Or do we have to wait until she's born?"  
  
"You don't need a test."  
  
Danny paused in confusion, before rising on his elbow and leaning over so he could see her face. "I don't understand."  
  
She turned her head and forced herself to meet his eyes. "She's yours."  
  
"I--" He shook his head. "But you said--how can you be sure?"  
  
The only way she could cope was by switching into press secretary mode. "She's one hundred percent yours. She was conceived the week you got back."   
  
"How long have you known?"  
  
"From the start," she mumbled.  
  
"The start?" He sat bolt upright, pulling his hand away from her stomach. "You lied to me?"  
  
She flinched.  
  
"Is there a Mark?"  
  
"No." She wanted to take away the pain, but he slapped her hand.  
  
"Don't." He threw back the covers and scrambled out of bed. "I don't know what's worse. Thinking that you'd cheated on me for the last four months." He yanked on his boxers and pants. "Or knowing that you deliberately cut me out of my daughter's life. How could you do that to me, CJ? You know how much I loved you and I would've given up everything for you and our child."  
  
She sat up and watched as he fumbled with his shirt buttons, wanting to say or do something, but knowing it wouldn't make any difference. "I'm sorry. I thought--"  
  
"Shut up! I don't want to hear you spin this." He leaned over and pulled on his shoes. "I was always blind when it came to you. I thought what we had was mutual."  
  
She held the sheet up against her body. "I do lov--"  
  
Danny grabbed his jacket and tie. "You don't know the meaning of the word." He shook his head. "I just wish I'd known earlier what a selfish bitch you are."  
  
His words and hurt stung more than any physical punishment. She couldn't do anything but watch as he wrenched the door open and slammed it behind him.  
  
Sobs shuddered through her chest. She clenched her arms over her stomach and rocked. She'd been stupid to take Abbey's advice. The truth didn't matter. He had still walked out the door.  
  
-------  
  
CJ huddled under the covers, desperate for oblivion. But her guilt refused to let her sleep.  
  
He was right. Yes, she'd been trying to protect him and the administration, but ultimately she'd been protecting herself. Hiding from the rules she had broken, hiding from Toby and Leo's disapproval. Hiding from acknowledging she'd fallen in love and was willing to risk her career for Danny.  
  
The ring of the hotel phone interrupted her mental flagellation.  
  
"Ms. Cregg. I apologize for the lateness of the call. There is a gentleman here by the name of Daniel Concannon who insists on speaking with you."  
  
"Put him on." CJ pushed herself up into a sitting position.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
She closed her eyes. "Do you want to come up?"  
  
"No."  
  
She bit her lip as her free hand rubbed her stomach. It was over. He was about to tell her to go to hell.  
  
"Can you delay returning to DC for a couple of days?"  
  
Okay. She hadn't expected that. "I--I guess so."  
  
"We need to sort this out."  
  
"Okay." Maybe he wanted custody. Maybe she should offer it. He'd be a better mother. "Can you wait a few minutes? I'll call Leo."  
  
"It's not too late?"  
  
"Leo sacrificed sleep to the DNC a long time ago." Silence greeted her weak attempt at lightening the mood. "I'll call reception in a few minutes."  
  
"I'll be here."  
  
It took a few seconds for the dial tone to register in her ear. She allowed herself a brief interlude of misery before straightening her spine and calling Leo.  
  
-------  
  
CJ stood outside the hotel at 8am. Slight nip in the air, but she couldn't risk the possibility of seeing her colleagues in the lobby. She'd asked Leo to explain her absence.  
  
Out here she could hide her red eyes behind sunglasses.  
  
A car stopped in front of her and she looked up to see Danny getting out. Jeans, buttoned shirt, and sunglasses to match her own. Both hiding.  
  
"This it?" He pointed to her luggage.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
While he was loading the bags in the trunk, she settled in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath. She looked straight ahead when he got in the driver's side.  
  
"You had breakfast?"  
  
CJ shook her head.  
  
"That's first then. I don't want my daughter starving."  
  
She bit her lip to prevent a sharp response.  
  
Breakfast was strained but formal due to their public exposure. He watched her every bite.  
  
"Danny." She dropped her fork onto the plate. "I can't eat when someone's staring at me. She's not starving and the doctor is happy with my weight gain."  
  
He looked down at his own barely touched breakfast. "Sorry."  
  
"I'm taking good care of her." She picked up a piece of toast.  
  
"What did you tell Leo?"  
  
"That I wanted to visit my parents. I don't have to be back in DC till Monday." If things didn't improve between them she would go to Napa. She couldn't deal with four days of tension.  
  
"I thought we might go to Golden Gate Park."  
  
CJ didn't know how to react. She'd been hoping to go somewhere private and get it over and done with. But maybe she should let him take the lead. "Okay."  
  
"So, what first?" Danny asked her an hour later, standing in a car park in the middle of Golden Gate Park.  
  
CJ shrugged.  
  
"I haven't been to the Academy of Sciences yet."  
  
"Fine," she replied with little enthusiasm.  
  
Five months of hiding their relationship and the past four months apart should have made it easier, but she was too aware of him. Her libido had resurfaced with a vengeance since he'd pushed her against that door. He'd haunted what little sleep she'd managed and left her seeking urgent release on waking.   
  
Much to her chagrin, just walking next to him was enough to arouse her body. It's only pregnancy hormones, only pregnancy hormones. Maybe if she repeated it enough--  
  
His hand on her sleeve.  
  
"Aquarium, planetarium, or museum?"  
  
"Aquarium, but I'll need a bathroom before I can look at that amount of water."  
  
She exited quietly from the bathroom, taking a moment to watch him. He'd put on a few pounds around the waist; his hair was longer and more unruly, highlighting the increasing number of grey strands peppering the red.  
  
Were they too old for a baby?  
  
Mid to late fifties by the time she hit puberty, close to retirement age when she graduated from college...was that fair to her?  
  
CJ leaned back against the wall as doubts took control. She shouldn't have told him. She should've taken leave or quit when she found out she was pregnant. She could've laid low and adopted her out to a real couple young enough to provide what she'd need, what she deserved...maybe she should have ended it all at the very beginning.  
  
Danny turned and spotted her and just for a moment his face lit up and her worries melted away.  
  
Maybe they were enough.  
  
-------  
  
This was a mistake. She should've gone back to DC. She shouldn't have invited him up to her room. She shouldn't have let him touch her. She lied to his face before, why hadn't she this time?  
  
Lowering her tense, tired and heavy body to the sand, she contemplated the last four hours. First the aquarium, followed by the Garden of Shakespeare's Flowers behind the Academy of Sciences. Then the AIDs Memorial Grove, the Strybing Arboretum, and a break at the Japanese Tea Garden. And now Ocean Beach, at the opposite end of Golden Gate Park to where they started.  
  
CJ closed her eyes as the salt-laden breeze hit her face, almost welcoming the slight sting.  
  
"Great view of the Bridge from here."  
  
Danny shut up when she didn't reply.  
  
He was driving her mad. Almost constant verbal diarrhea, he'd read out every information plaque they came across and chattered about everything except what they needed to discuss.  
  
Maybe they could talk now. She needed to know what he wanted.  
  
"Danny--"  
  
"Do you want to go to Fisherman's Wharf? Apparently there's a Bubba Gump's Shrimp Factory."  
  
Maybe not.  
  
She opened her eyes and stared out at the water, trying to concentrate on the swell and keep her temper under control. "I don't think shrimp--"  
  
"Of course, the smell wouldn't agree with you. A boat trip out to Alcatraz probably wouldn't be a good idea either. There are the historic ships down on Hyde Street Pier or the zoo or--"  
  
CJ snapped. "Just stop, Danny! I went to Berkeley, I know this city better than you do, and I'm not here to be a tourist." Shit! She couldn't even get up. Reluctantly taking Danny's hand, he pulled her to a standing position. She immediately shook off his hold and backed away. "And don't mention the damn seahorses again. We'd all be happier if you were the one carrying this kid, but that's not going to happen."  
  
One glance at his whipped puppy expression dissipated the remaining anger, leaving behind a bone-deep lethargy. She choked on a sob as she tried to take a deep breath.  
  
"I--I'm really tired and hormonal. I need to check into a hotel room and lie down for a while." She couldn't meet his eyes.  
  
"You're staying at my place." He put up his hand. "Don't bother arguing with me. You ready to go?"  
  
Too exhausted to fight and with barely enough energy to remain standing, she nodded and accepted his offered arm.  
  
-------  
  
Danny dropped her bags on the floor by the foot of the bed.  
  
"The bathroom's at the end of the hall. There's a clean towel behind the door and the sheets are fresh. What's wrong?"  
  
She still stood in the doorway. "This is your bedroom."  
  
"Don't worry. I haven't had any other women in here," he replied with a note of sarcasm.  
  
"I don't c--" But she did care. "That isn't what I meant."  
  
"There's only one bed." Danny pointed past her. "I'll sleep on the couch."  
  
She knew he was waiting for her to protest some more, but all she wanted was to collapse and die. Whispering, "Okay," she walked over to the bed and sat down. Carefully raising her foot, she bent slightly to untie the shoelace.  
  
"Let me." He knelt and swiftly removed her shoes and socks. "You need anything else?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"Just call if you do." He stared at her stomach before glancing at her, seeking permission.  
  
She pulled the shirt up to bare her belly.  
  
Hesitantly, Danny placed his hand on the swelling. His facial expression...  
  
CJ closed her eyes, trying to ignore him. But his palm seared her skin and she didn't know how long she could keep him out. She clenched her hands into fists, preventing them from tangling in his hair--  
  
"Get some sleep."  
  
Her eyes opened, finding him near the door. An impassive mask covered the raw emotion.  
  
She nodded, as he walked out and closed the door behind him.  
  
A few minutes passed before she could move again. She pulled off her jeans and started exploring the room, searching for...something.  
  
The top of the oak dresser was bare except for a bottle of cologne and a pile of papers. She opened the top drawer before she could talk herself out of it. Underwear.  
  
The next two drawers also contained clothing. In the bottom drawer, in addition to sweaters, lay a cardboard box.  
  
CJ stroked her fingertips across the lid, battling within herself.   
  
Was her need to know he'd held on to something of them more important than respect for his privacy?  
  
Didn't the fact that he'd made love to her the night before tell her enough?  
  
Quickly shutting the drawer, she spied the clothes he slept in flung over a chair in the corner. CJ picked up the Notre Dame t-shirt and held it to her cheek, breathing him in.  
  
After closing the heavier curtains to darken the room, she returned to the bed and draped the t-shirt over the pillow. She slipped under the covers and laid her head down on the material, her hands clasped over her belly.  
  
-------   
  



	10. Chaper 10

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (10/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
"You sleep well?" Danny looked up from his position on the couch.  
  
"Yeah." Relieved at his friendly expression, CJ ran her hands over her stomach. "And now we're starving."  
  
"Just as well dinner's on its way then." Danny stood and she followed him to the kitchen. "I'm making your favorite."  
  
She caught a whiff of the simmering sauce and halted in the doorway, biting her lip.  
  
"What do you want to drink?" He turned when she didn't answer and she wasn't quick enough to cover her frown. "What's wrong?"  
  
Trying to smile, she mumbled, "You went to so much trouble--"  
  
"CJ."  
  
"I can't eat it. It gives me heartburn."  
  
"Oh." He switched the stove off. "I didn't know that."  
  
She crossed the room and rested her hand on his arm. "Don't let it go to waste. I can eat the pasta."  
  
"Not much point in putting it on." He shrugged off her touch and forced her to step back as he moved the saucepan off the burner. "Anything else I need to know?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Danny. You could've asked." She winced at her combative tone.  
  
"And I'm supposed to believe anything you say?" He glared at her. "What do you want then?"  
  
She waved him off. "Forget it."  
  
Danny snorted. "That's just like you. Avoid making a decision."  
  
"I've got no problem making the hard decisions." CJ closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to rein in her defensiveness. "It doesn't matter what I want, you can't give it to me," she continued in a small voice.  
  
"You'll never know if you don't tell me."  
  
She opened her eyes, finding him right in front of her. "White Castle hamburgers and an egg cream." Her stomach growled in agreement.  
  
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "And that won't give you heartburn?"  
  
"I have no idea. Cravings don't exactly make much sense." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway. White Castle isn't out here. I can't even get them in DC."  
  
"Let's go." He headed out of the kitchen.  
  
"Did you hear what I said? They're not available."  
  
He grabbed his keys and wallet off the living room table. "Yes, they are. I'm sure I've seen frozen ones. Come on."  
  
As Danny searched the frozen food isles of the third supermarket, CJ stated, "The craving's gone. I'll have something else."  
  
He didn't answer, only continued foraging.  
  
"Danny."  
  
"There's another supermarket three blocks over."  
  
She had to speed up to catch him as he walked towards the door. "I'm sure there's something at your place I can eat. Let's go home."  
  
He didn't slow or acknowledge her.  
  
CJ grabbed his arm. "Danny--"  
  
He halted and she nearly ran into him. "I'm going to get you the damn White Castle hamburgers. I'm going to provide for my daughter's needs."  
  
"I'm going to kill him," CJ muttered under her breath, as Danny walked off again.  
  
She insisted on staying in the car at the next supermarket.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sweetie. I know you're hungry," she told her stomach. "But could you please shift a little. That's my bladder and I don't want to have to ask your father for a toilet stop. Then we'll never get home." CJ followed the rippling of a little limb across her abdomen. "Yeah, I feel like kicking him too. I was only joking about the killing part, though it'd probably be ruled justifiable homicide. He's stubborn." She smiled. "But that's how you got here. Your dad wore down my resistance and sneaked in--kind of like the flu. No, that's not true." Stroking her hands across her belly, she felt tears welling. "I do love him, Sweetheart. I just hope we can stop yelling at each other long enough to work this out. I know. I need to be more patient." CJ looked out the window as she noticed movement. "And here comes the smiling hunter-gatherer carrying grocery bags."  
  
-------  
  
"Still hungry?"  
  
CJ sat in the single couch chair, at right angles to where Danny was on the opposite end of the loveseat. She patted her stomach. "We're good."  
  
"Good." Danny's gaze alternated between her face and her belly.  
  
"Ask what you want." Might as well get started.  
  
"When's she due?"  
  
An easy one to start. "December 6. But it could be ten days either side."  
  
He grinned. "So we'll need a huge Christmas tree."  
  
"She's already got a room full of clothes and stuffed toys," CJ warned, picturing a mountain of presents.  
  
"She only has one first Christmas."  
  
"True." CJ toed off her shoes and twisted so she could place her feet up on the loveseat.  
  
Danny positioned a cushion under them. "And with her birthday so close to Christmas, she'll need enough to get her through the year."  
  
CJ laughed. "She's already got her daddy wrapped around her little finger."  
  
Pride and love flooded his face at the mention of 'daddy'. "I've always wanted a daughter," he whispered huskily.  
  
She stayed silent, not wanting to break the first genuine moment of peace between them in nearly twenty-four hours. His hand absentmindedly squeezed her ankle.   
  
"She is all right? She's growing okay?" Worry lines fractured his soft expression as his eyes searched hers for assurance. "When you collapsed--"  
  
"She's fine." CJ kept her tone even, trying to calm the frantic edge of his questions. "The dehydration didn't have any effect on her. I see my obstetrician every two weeks and I'm having another scan next week to check her size." She held up her hand to stop his next question. "It's only a precaution, a confirmation. All the signs show she's growing normally."  
  
"Is every two weeks normal?"  
  
"Danny, I'm forty-two and this is my first pregnancy. Those two things alone are enough to make me high-risk. Add in my hypertension--the doctor's just keeping a close eye on me so she can head off any problems before they occur. Stop worrying." CJ leaned forward, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows. "Okay?"  
  
His nod lacked conviction, but she let it go.  
  
"You bought a couple of egg creams, didn't you?"  
  
Within minutes she'd drunk half a bottle. Seeing Danny's quirked lips and shaking head, she asked, "What?"  
  
"You have strange cravings."  
  
"This isn't a craving, it's a basic food group. She's going to be born with an egg cream in her hand."  
  
"Why egg creams?"  
  
"I have no idea. I think it's become my coffee substitute." She set the bottle down on the small table next to her chair. "This isn't quite as good as the real thing, but it's close enough."  
  
"You're getting the real thing in DC?"  
  
"Toby's my supplier." A sudden thought and she let her head fall back against the couch as she laughed. "I bet it's another step in her Yankees indoctrination."   
  
"The Yankees?"  
  
CJ rolled her eyes at the ceiling. The men in her life were too territorial when it came to team sports. She'd have to mitigate their influence. "Yeah. Sorry if you had another team in mind. Toby considers it a sacred part of his godfatherly duties. She's already got the tiny hat."  
  
"She got a godmother too?"  
  
"Carol. And Sam and Josh are introducing themselves as uncles and advisers to the future President Cregg." She paused for a moment and grimaced. "They're all wonderful and supportive, and the President and Leo have made things easier, but it's all too much sometimes. Everyone defers to the pregnancy and I want to yell, 'Hey! I'm up here. Talk to me, not my belly'." She raised her head to look at him. "Does that make sense, or is it selfish?"  
  
His face devoid of emotion, he answered in a flat tone, "You asking for my opinion? What would I know? I've never been close to a pregnancy." Danny rose from the couch. "I'm going to have a shower."  
  
Her stomach rolled and she tried to reach out to grab his hand, but her body wouldn't allow her to move quickly enough. "Danny, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Let's talk. You talk."  
  
"Don't. I'm not doing this now. Just--" He dismissed her with a wave of his hand and walked out of the room.  
  
"Then when?" she whispered.  
  
-------  
  
A couple of photos of the President and various members of the senior staff decorated his bookshelves...but not one of her.  
  
She'd done the same thing. But it didn't lessen the hurt.  
  
Rubbing her lower back, CJ wandered aimlessly around the living room. This wasn't working out how she'd expected--the current simmering anger punctuated by small outbursts was incredibly wearing. Massive explosions were much easier to deal with, and part of her itched to provoke one.  
  
She wouldn't, at least not yet. But how much longer before her patience snapped was anyone's guess.  
  
She didn't react when he entered the room, just continued staring at the bookshelf.  
  
"The biography of Abigail Bartlet is a good read."  
  
Her lips quivered and she turned to face him. "Really?"  
  
Danny stood next to the couch dressed in the Notre-Dame t-shirt and draw-string pajama pants, his hair a mass of curls from the shower. "So I've heard."  
  
CJ took a hesitant step towards him. He turned away, grabbed one of the sheets he'd dumped on the coffee table, and started to make up the couch.  
  
"I'm beat. Didn't get much sleep last night." He glanced back at her, the unspoken 'thanks to you' written on his face. "Goodnight."  
  
"Okay," she replied in a wavering voice, understanding that she was being politely dismissed. She clenched her hands. Should she push?  
  
"CJ," he warned. He'd returned his attention to the couch, but she could picture his face from his tone. Eyes closed, lips tight, brow wrinkled.  
  
She opened her mouth to protest. He was taking control, setting the pace. She didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.  
  
"I'm not doing this tonight. Just...go."  
  
Shoulders slumping, she pursed her lips to contain any stray sobs or words. She wanted something he wasn't ready to give. Blinking hard, she willed herself not to cry. She couldn't blame him for acting this way. She had been in charge for months, making all the important decisions without consulting him.  
  
"Goodnight, CJ," he prompted, his hands deliberately smoothing the wrinkles out of the double sheet as he tried to fit it on the sofa cushions.  
  
She watched him, hoping that he'd try as hard to fit her back into his life.  
  
He didn't say anything more, but she felt his agitation growing as she continued to stand there.  
  
A pointless nod in reply to his demands, she strode away quickly, only stopping when she entered his bedroom and closed the door. A wave of dizziness rippled through her. Leaning back against the door, she realized she was hyperventilating.  
  
'Calm, calm,' she chanted in her mind, as she brought her breathing under control.  
  
Only then did she dare leave the solid support and take the three steps to the bed. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table as she sat down and pulled off her shoes.  
  
Nine-thirty-five.  
  
Too early for her under normal circumstances, let alone when she'd had a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. What the hell was she supposed to do?  
  
No way she was lying down until she was actually ready to sleep. The emotional fallout from the previous night was bad enough; the resurgence of her sex drive an extremely unwelcome bonus. Even during their arguments, the lower half of her wanted to jump him. Lying in his bed wide awake...  
  
Should've grabbed a book, but she wasn't going back out to get her head bitten off.   
  
Bending across the foot of the bed, she pulled her hand luggage up onto the mattress. She rummaged through the bag, searching for something, anything, to fill the time.  
  
Cell phone.  
  
She should at least check her messages.  
  
Abbey, Josh, Carol, Sam, Josh, Toby, Abbey, Carol, Abbey, Josh.  
  
Too late to call Abbey. She could really use a friendly ear about now.  
  
Mom.  
  
CJ pressed the button for her parents' number and plumped the pillows against the headboard as she listened to the rings.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Mom." She settled back against the pillows.  
  
"Shouldn't you be asleep?"  
  
She smiled. "I'm still in San Francisco."  
  
"But they said on the news that the President went back to DC."  
  
"He did." She rubbed her hand across her belly as exercise time commenced. "I--I told him."   
  
"The President?"  
  
"No." She bit her lip and took a deep breath. "Danny. I told Danny."  
  
"You had to do it eventually, Sweetheart."  
  
"I know," she whispered.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
She shrugged. "Happy about being a dad...not so happy with me." She winced as a tiny limb collided with her bladder. Maybe the extra egg cream hadn't been such a good idea.  
  
"Give him some time."  
  
CJ slapped her hand on the bed in frustration. "I haven't got time. We need to get this sorted out now and he won't even talk--"  
  
Her mother's voice was forceful as she interrupted. "When did you tell him?"  
  
"Last night."  
  
"And you expect him to be ready to discuss it rationally right now? You've had months and you're only willing to give him a day? Claudia."  
  
"I need to know if he's going to fight me for custody, if he still--" She swallowed the words. "I need to get past this now."  
  
"If he still loves you?"  
  
CJ fell silent, not daring to address the issue aloud. Her fingers tangled in the sheets as she once again tried to control her breathing.  
  
"Claudia," her mother asked worriedly.  
  
"How's Dad?"  
  
Moira took the hint and they spent the next few minutes on the subject.  
  
"When are you going back?"  
  
"Sunday afternoon."  
  
"We'd love to see you. You could come up for Saturday lunch and bring Danny."  
  
CJ squeezed her eyes shut. "Mom--"  
  
"No matter what happens between you two, I want to get to know my granddaughter's father. I'm not asking for an answer right now, you can let me know Saturday morning if necessary."  
  
Not wanting an argument, CJ replied, "I'll see."  
  
"Where are you staying?"  
  
"Danny's apartment."  
  
"He got a bath?"  
  
"Yes," she answered with a confused laugh.  
  
"Go and have a long soak." Moira paused before continuing in a softer voice. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
-------  
  
She'd started carrying a bottle of bubble bath in her luggage early in the administration, after finding she often had part of the evening during trips to herself. And there was no better way to spend it than relaxing in a hot bath.  
  
She couldn't have it quite as hot as she liked, but it was still a great way to end the day. Though she'd probably have to stick to showers before too long; she was experiencing increasing difficulty in getting out by herself. Coordination had never been one of her strong points and her growing belly was throwing her center of gravity even further off.  
  
If only the taps were closer so she didn't have to shift from her comfortable spot.  
  
Resigned to the fact she had to move or freeze, CJ pushed herself up to a sitting position.  
  
"Shit!" she cried, as shooting pain engulfed the length of her right leg. No matter which way she shifted, every little movement led to agony. She needed to get out now, but there was no way she could do it herself.  
  
"Danny." Probably not loud enough, but she didn't want to wake the neighbors. "Danny." A little louder. "Danny. I need help." Just yell. "DANNY!"  
  
He stumbled into the bathroom a minute later, hair sticking up in clumps, rambling, "Is it the baby? It's too early, isn't it? Should I call an ambulance?"  
  
She couldn't help smiling weakly at the classic scene of an overwrought first-time father. Any lingering doubts about his commitment to the baby dissipated. "She's fine," CJ quickly reassured him. "But," she winced, "she's lying on my sciatic nerve and I can't get out."  
  
By the time Danny managed to help her out of the tub and wipe her dry, CJ couldn't hold it in any longer. She dissolved into tears as he wrapped the towel around her.   
  
"Hey," he soothed, pulling her against him.  
  
She rested her head on his shoulder and released the mixture of physical and emotional pain.  
  
"Where does it hurt?"  
  
She guided his hand to a spot on her right hip and he started massaging. Her arms encircled his shoulders, his face pressed against her hair.  
  
As her sobs subsided and she grew lethargic, he kissed her head and whispered, "Let's get you to bed."  
  
Each step was agony and the sobs returned. Danny helped her into her pajamas and then into bed. She lay down on her left side, a pillow between her knees and another behind her back.   
  
"Anything else I can do?" he asked, as he returned to massaging her hip.  
  
CJ shook her head. "Hopefully she'll move by morning."  
  
He brushed her bangs off her forehead with his other hand. "Has this happened before?"  
  
"Last week at work. If Toby ever wants to give up politics, he could open a massage--"  
  
Danny's hands stilled and his facial expression hardened.  
  
She'd done it again.  
  
"Another godfatherly duty?" He pushed himself to a standing position using the bed as leverage and stalked towards the door.  
  
The combination of pain and frustration shattered what little was left of her patience. "Yes, Danny. And he jumped into my bed as soon as you left it. I'm just insatiable." She pushed herself up on one elbow and twisted so she could see him at the end of the bed. "Why am I here if you think so little of me? Would you just demand custody and tell me to go to hell! I can't do this any more. Shit!"  
  
Excruciating pain gripped her leg and she fell back onto the bed crying. She bit down hard on her lip and pounded the mattress with her fist.   
  
The bed sagged behind her and he gently kneaded her hip.  
  
The spasm slowly eased, along with her tears, but she kept her body tense. She wasn't leaning on him again until she knew whether there was a place for her in his life.  
  
"Relax," he whispered.  
  
"I'm sorry, Danny." Her throat was scratchy and she had to cough.  
  
"Not now."  
  
"Yes, now." She should say it to his face, but there was no way in hell she could roll over. And it just might be a bit easier not looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."  
  
"You did."  
  
His hand had stilled on her hip, but she felt some relief that he hadn't broken contact. "I know I did. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, and if I could go back--" She bit her lip. Tell him what he wanted to hear or the truth? There'd been enough lies. "I'd do the same thing."  
  
Danny snorted and this time he did remove his hand. "Thanks."  
  
She turned as far as she could to look over her shoulder without moving her body. "Don't you dare leave. You're going to listen to what I have to say and if, after that, you don't want anything to do with me beyond our daughter--" She had to choke out the final word, "fine."  
  
His face wasn't in her line of vision, but she watched him shuffle towards the headboard and lean against it. Turning her head back, she closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath.  
  
The words started spilling out on the exhale. "I did what I thought was best for everyone. I couldn't see any other choice. We've still got so much to do and we're not going to get another chance."  
  
"So you denied my daughter her father for the good of the country?"  
  
"The scandal of being a single mother is at least an order of magnitude less than sleeping with a senior member--"  
  
"Cut the press briefing tone, CJ, otherwise I am leaving," Danny growled. "And I don't want to hear the sleeping with a reporter excuse. You seemed to be pretty happy fucking me, but then that was in secret. The baby kinda blew your cover. Am I," he paused and swallowed audibly, his voice softer and hesitant when he restarted, "are you embarrassed by me?"  
  
"No! God, no!" CJ reached behind her, but she couldn't find him. "Don't you ever think that." Dammit. She had to move, she had to see him, look at him. Wincing, she pushed up using her elbow.  
  
Danny's hand clasped her shoulder. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I need to sit up."  
  
After some effort and more than a little pain, she settled against the headboard. Danny put enough space between them to avoid any chance of accidental touching, and stared straight ahead.  
  
"I'm not embarrassed by you." She twisted the sheets around her fingers. "I just--I've betrayed the President and Leo...and Toby."  
  
He flinched.  
  
"They told me again and again that I couldn't see you, but I did it anyway."  
  
"It's a job, CJ."  
  
"You know it's more than that. They're my family and--" She breathed deeply. "I can't bear the thought of their disappointment."  
  
He turned to her, his eyes damp but his face impassive. "And that's more important than our family?"  
  
"No! I don't know..." CJ ran her hands over her face and tried to order her thoughts. "I was trying to protect everybody--"  
  
"And just how were you protecting me by taking my baby away?" Anger had returned to his voice.  
  
"Your job--"  
  
"I was changing my job!"  
  
"And I'm not a mind reader," she snapped, before regaining control. "It didn't make any difference. Everyone could count on their fingers and work out when she was conceived. I wasn't risking your job."  
  
"That wasn't your choice to make, CJ!" Fury tensed his body as he pushed himself off the bed and started to pace. "You had no right to make that decision for me."  
  
"I had to make the decision." Damn him for getting up. She didn't like the height disadvantage. "Newsflash, Danny. They aren't going to just forgive us. We can't have our jobs and the baby. There isn't any happily ever after." She paused for a moment to breathe. "You're too damn honorable. You'd insist on doing the right thing no matter the cost."  
  
He looked at her with wide eyes and an incredulous expression. "You honestly think this is just about doing the right thing? Even if there wasn't a baby, I'd put you before my job."   
  
"You didn't before," she mumbled.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Lifting his hands to the back of his neck, he searched his memory. "The editor's job two years ago? For chrissake, CJ! I'm not going to justify that with a response."  
  
"And I wasn't going to let you throw away your career and then resent me for it in a couple of years."  
  
"Just stop!" Danny slammed his hands down on the bedside table. "You've been spinning and controlling for so long you can't remember how to let things develop and just happen naturally."  
  
CJ's jaw tightened and she clenched her hands into fists. "No, I just face the reality of the situation."   
  
Danny leaned towards her. "You want the reality? I loved you and wanted a life with you. Why do you think I was interviewing for a new job? And that was before the baby."  
  
She couldn't breathe. There it was. Past tense. Her head dropped to hide the tears that were threatening to drown her. She'd been waiting, expecting, but some masochistic part of her had dared to hope.   
  
It was over.  
  
Staring at her hands, she somehow managed to find her voice and imbue it with strength she didn't feel. "I won't fight you on joint custody. It's not going to be easy with us on opposite coasts, but we'll work it out. Though I would appreciate it if my parents could have some visitation while she's with you."  
  
"I'm not interested in joint custody. I want to be more than a part-time dad."  
  
CJ choked down the bile as her mind screamed. "I'm not--" A sob shuddered through her body and she forced her head up. "I'm not giving up my daughter. I know I hurt you, but please don't take her away from me."  
  
"No!"   
  
Danny's facial expression softened as he climbed back onto the bed and reached for her. The sagging of the mattress shifted her hip and she winced. He grasped her joined hands in one of his, and cupped her cheek with the other.  
  
"I'm not talking about full custody. I'm not going to take her away from you."  
  
"Then what?" She shook her head, thoroughly confused.  
  
Staring directly into her eyes, he said in a calming tone, "I want us to raise her together. We don't have to work it out tonight. I love you." He squeezed her hands and rubbed his thumb against her face. "I don't like you very much at the moment, but I still love you."  
  
She leaned into him, her need for the comfort of his body greater than the pain from the sciatica, and let the tears flow.  
  
-------   
  



	11. Chapter 11

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (11/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
A light breeze ruffled the curtains, the dappled sunlight dancing across her face. She reached behind her, finding nothing but cool sheet.  
  
Maybe she'd imagined his hand on her hip and his chest against her back last night. Or he'd gone back to the couch as soon as she was asleep.  
  
The smile she'd awoken with faded under the onslaught of doubts. Had he said he loved her? But did that mean he was still in love with her? And was the wanting to raise the baby together just words to calm her down?  
  
She rolled carefully onto her back, steeling herself for pain. Nothing. A slow ascent to a sitting position ended with a sigh of relief.  
  
"How's the hip?"  
  
CJ looked up as Danny entered the bedroom.  
  
"She's moved."  
  
"Good." He stood at the end of the bed, his hands clasping and unclasping with nervousness. "Anything particular you want for breakfast?"  
  
She shook her head and pointed to her bags. "In the smaller one, there's a long black box. Could you please get it for me?"  
  
He sat on the edge of the bed as she tightened the blood pressure cuff around her upper arm. "I take it each morning. If it gets above a certain level I have to contact my doctor," she explained.  
  
"How is it?" he asked, as she wrote down the readings in a small notebook.   
  
"A little high, but nothing to worry about." She didn't mention part of it was probably due to the arousal she felt every time he was close. Hell...was it safe for her to have sex? Maybe she should call Dr. Martin. Not that Danny was likely to want to touch her again.  
  
"CJ?" He squeezed her wrist. "You okay?"  
  
"Yeah." No point in both of them worrying that they may have harmed the baby. She'd call the doctor as soon as Danny left the room.  
  
"As long as you're sure your hip is okay, I thought we might go shopping this morning." His slightly wistful tone and raised eyebrows left no doubt what the shopping would involve.  
  
"That sounds good." She had too much to make up to him.  
  
-------  
  
Dr. Martin's reassurance relaxed her enough so she could enjoy Danny's reactions in the baby store. He was fascinated by the size of the newborn clothes and gushed over the fairy princess dresses. Though she had to draw the line at too much pink, lace or frills.  
  
"But she's a little girl."  
  
"And if she takes after her mother, there will be quite a bit of tomboy in her," she'd replied with a laugh.  
  
He'd refused to show her all his purchases, taking the three bags to the car and then returning to the mall to peruse the pregnancy section of the bookshop.  
  
"You got any of these?"   
  
CJ pointed to two books on the top shelf, stopping on the second. "That one's been the most useful."  
  
He pulled it off the shelf and scanned the spines of the others. "Here's the instruction manuals for fathers."  
  
Leaving him to his investigation, she wandered over to the children's section. So many things were up in the air, but one thing she knew for certain; their daughter would be raised with a love of books.  
  
"Watcha reading?" he asked over her shoulder.  
  
She was too close to tears to answer, so she closed the book to show him the cover.  
  
"Heidi." He moved around in front of her and reached out his hand to tilt up her chin. "What's wrong?"  
  
She couldn't avoid his worried eyes. Swallowing hard, she managed to croak out, "My dad used to read it to me," before bursting into tears.  
  
Danny took the book from her hands and enveloped her in a cuddle. She buried her face in his neck and sobbed.  
  
"Oh, god. This is embarrassing." She pulled away and wiped roughly at her eyes.  
  
"Nobody's looking," he assured her.  
  
CJ glanced quickly at the book back on the shelf and then at him. "You finished?"  
  
"Yep." He indicated a small library sitting on top of a bookstand.  
  
"Sure you got enough?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"I need the bathroom."  
  
"There's one out the door and to the left." He squeezed her elbow. "You go while I double the national debt."  
  
She nodded. "Where do I meet you?"  
  
"The cafe directly across. Our daughter's probably wanting lunch."  
  
-------  
  
Danny dumped most of the bags on the coffee table and carried the remainder into the hall, while she toed off her shoes and collapsed lengthways onto the couch.  
  
"Need anything?" he asked on his return.  
  
She shook her head. "We're good."  
  
Lifting her legs, he sat down at the end of the couch and rested her feet on his lap.  
  
CJ closed her eyes and purred, as he massaged from her calves to her toes. It felt unbelievably good to be pampered.  
  
She must've dozed off; when she opened her eyes again, Danny was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, surrounded by baby things. Rolling onto her side, she tangled her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck.  
  
"How long was I asleep?"  
  
"About an hour." He held up a tiny pink jumpsuit. "Are you sure this is going to be big enough?"  
  
"Apparently." She frowned. "I'm not good with small things."  
  
With a raised eyebrow, Danny quipped, "You're very good with mine."  
  
She laughed. "But yours can take care of itself." The doubts reasserted themselves. "What if I break her?"  
  
"You won't."  
  
"I know next to nothing about babies."  
  
He twisted his body around to face her, resting his left arm on the couch. "We never talked about it. Did you want kids?"  
  
No more lies. "Not really."  
  
His eyes flicked between her face, her belly and the couch. "Did you--" He took a deep breath. "Did you consider ending it?"  
  
She joined him in his contemplation of the couch covering. "No."  
  
"Why not? I mean I'm glad you didn't, but if you don't want kids..."  
  
The jumpsuit lay on the couch between them; she retrieved it and held it against her face, as her mother's words from that night in Napa replayed in her head.   
  
"CJ?"  
  
No more lies. She'd promised. "If it had been someone else, I probably would've, but--" She looked up at him and placed her hand on his arm. "Not ours."  
  
He opened his mouth, closed it, and then looked down.  
  
Squeezing his arm, she whispered, "Danny?"  
  
The muscles and tendons tensed beneath her fingers and he turned back to the coffee table, pulling out of her grasp. "I forgot while we were out. Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?"  
  
She bit her lip as she watched his back and listened to the scrunching of packaging and bags. Her hand reached out, but she pulled back before she touched his hair. One rejection was enough.  
  
-------  
  
C-SPAN. Click. CNN. Click. Fox News. Quicker click. Some sitcom with...the kid from that movie of Roger Becker's that helped get her fired?  
  
Still the lisp and the glasses, but it really didn't work with the teenage body.  
  
Click off.  
  
She'd spent the last hour, since Danny had retreated to his home office, trying to find something to occupy her mind.  
  
If Becker hadn't made that movie, maybe his rating wouldn't have dropped, she wouldn't have been fired, she could've said no to Toby, she wouldn't have met Danny...she could blame it all on that kid?  
  
With a shake of her head, CJ leaned forward and grabbed one of the new pregnancy books off the coffee table. Were they telling fathers anything new or earth shattering? Was there a chapter on what to do when your partner lied to you?  
  
"Watcha doing?" his voice came from behind her.  
  
She tensed and then relaxed at his friendly tone. "Apparently most first-time fathers are scared that they'll hit the baby during sex."  
  
"Really?" She could picture his grin. "I'd need to do some measuring, but I don't really think..." He paused, his breath warm on the side of her neck. "Should we have--the other night--with your blood pressure--"  
  
She put the book down on the couch and turned sideways, pulling her left leg up under her backside. "It's fine, Danny." She squeezed his wrist.  
  
"You sure?" Worry lines creased his face.  
  
Cupping his cheek, she nodded. "Yes. I called Dr. Martin this morning. Apart from a couple of provisos, it's safe for me to have sex."  
  
"Such as length?" His attempt at humor didn't quite displace his anxiety.  
  
"She didn't mention it, but I don't think we have to worry about that." She smiled at his exaggerated wounded expression. "Just no marathon sessions or Cirque du Soleil positions, and I'm not allowed flat on my back."  
  
"I always have liked you on top," he whispered, clasping the back of her hand and turning his head to kiss her palm.  
  
Arousal surged through her, flushing her skin and twisting her stomach. She tightened her grip on his wrist and closed her eyes, submerging herself in the sensation. Was there a way to get him around her side of the couch without breaking contact?  
  
He released her hand and brushed his knuckles across her cheek, before clasping the back of her head and pulling her towards--  
  
"Shit!" she cried, as her left calf and foot cramped. She struggled to push up off the couch, her stomach proving an impediment.  
  
"Wait a minute." Danny was in front of her, bracing her elbows. "Up slowly."  
  
Using his shoulders for support, she pressed down on her toes, trying to relieve the cramps. "I think my body's telling me I'm too old for this."  
  
"Or that you shouldn't sit on your leg." His hands rested on her hips, his thumbs pressing small circles into her skin. "Better?"  
  
"Yeah." With his help, she sat back down with her feet propped up on a cushion on the coffee table.  
  
"I've heard people say that babies know when their parents are about to get intimate, but I didn't realize it started this early," he joked.  
  
CJ laughed as her head fell back on the couch. Turning towards him, she placed her hand on his thigh. The arousal had dissipated but she didn't mind. A return to relaxed familiarity was good.  
  
"I bought you something." Danny twisted around and bent his arm over the back of the couch, the action bringing his face close to hers.  
  
She resisted the urge to kiss him, but took the opportunity to reacquaint herself with his face. New lines radiated from the corners of his eyes.  
  
The rustle of plastic captured her attention as he settled back and reached into a shopping bag.  
  
She gasped and then smiled as she accepted the gift.   
  
"I still deny I look anything like him."  
  
"I don't know," she quipped, as she held up the Cowardly Lion doll beside his head. "I'd have trouble telling you apart in a line up. Similar coloring, soft and cuddly."  
  
"You been hiding a fur fetish?"  
  
"No more hiding." Laying the doll in her lap, she traced its face with her finger. "I bought one of these last week."  
  
"Oh." The disappointment was clear in his voice. "I can try returning it."  
  
She shook her head. "No. She can play with one and the other can be for display."  
  
More plastic rustling. "I hope you haven't got one of these yet." He held up a dvd of 'The Wizard of Oz'.  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. I thought we could watch it after dinner."  
  
She cradled the doll to her chest. "It's the first movie I've got a conscious memory of seeing. The flying monkeys terrified me and I climbed onto dad's lap and hid my face in his neck." A sense of loss washed over her and she swallowed hard.  
  
"Hey." Danny wound his arm around her body and pulled her against him. "How is he?"  
  
She rested her head on his shoulder. "Not good. He--I just hope he's still with it enough when she's born."  
  
"Do you want to go and see them?" His mouth vibrated against her hair.  
  
"Mom's invited us up for lunch tomorrow."  
  
"She knows?"  
  
"She's known for quite awhile." CJ rested her hand on his jeans-clad thigh. "She wants to meet you."  
  
"What about your dad?"  
  
"I don't know whether she's told him yet."  
  
After several minutes of silence, CJ lifted her head. "Hey." With one hand on his cheek, she turned him to face her. "You don't have to be nervous."  
  
"Weren't you when you told them you were pregnant?"  
  
"Yes," she admitted, with a roll of the eyes. "Mostly telling Dad."  
  
"I think I have a right to be nervous." His forehead furrowed. "I got you pregnant without a ring on your finger--"  
  
"I'm not sixteen, Danny."  
  
He took a deep breath and turned away. "And then I walked out on you."  
  
"Don't." Grasping his chin, she forced him to look at her. "Don't you say or even think that."  
  
"It's what people are going to be thinking and probably saying."  
  
"Who cares what they--" She winced at her own hypocrisy as Danny grimaced. "If anyone says anything, I'll tell them that I'm the selfish bitch who kicked--"  
  
He placed his fingers over her lips. "Don't. Just don't."  
  
Shaking her head, she continued, desperate for him to know. "I'm not going to let anyone think that you--"  
  
His mouth swallowed the rest of her words. The kiss was tender, almost chaste, and he ended it too soon. Leaning his forehead against hers, he whispered, "Call your mom and ask her what time tomorrow. I'll go and make dinner."  
  
-------  
  
"I like him," Moira stated, as she took CJ's hand in hers.  
  
CJ looked back towards the house. "I hope Dad isn't giving him too hard a time."  
  
"Relax, Sweetheart. I think Danny can hold his own."  
  
"As long as he doesn't get talked into setting a wedding date." She turned back to her mother with a frown. "He interviews Presidents and Prime Ministers, but I've never seen him as nervous as this morning."  
  
Moira reached out and stroked CJ's cheek. "Well, it is rather nerve-wracking to meet the parents of the woman you love."  
  
"You really like him?" She grimaced at the waver in her voice and her need for approval and reassurance. "God. How old am I?" Throwing up her hands and shaking her head, she resumed walking.  
  
"You're never too old to have doubts."  
  
"Great."  
  
Moira laughed. "I really do like him. And I know this is going to sound terribly corny, but the way he looks at you...I have no doubt he's in love with you."   
  
CJ stopped again and looked up at the overcast sky. "Me or the baby?"  
  
"You know the answer to that."  
  
"I don't know anything any more." She sank to the grass, stretching her legs out in front of her and resting back on her hands. "Except you're right about one thing."  
  
"I'm actually right about most things." Moira sat down facing CJ and patted her leg. "Which thing am I particularly right about?"  
  
Closing her eyes, CJ replied in a low voice, "That I wouldn't be having her if I didn't love her father." She bit her lip. "I just don't know if it's going to be enough."  
  
"Look at me, Claudia." She continued once CJ had met her gaze. "You're not going to know if you don't try."  
  
Swiping at a couple of escaped tears, CJ nodded. "That's the other thing I do know."  
  
"And pregnancy hormones are a bitch."  
  
She leaned into the hand Moira placed on her cheek and managed to speak through a choked laugh. "I know more things than I thought I did."  
  
"At the risk of adding to the corn crop, another thing I know is that you're never too old to need a cuddle from your mom," Moira said, her own voice cracking.  
  
With a muffled sob, CJ let herself relax into her mother's arms.  
  
-------  
  
She wanted to know what Danny and her father had talked about, but she hadn't really had a chance to ask him. They'd stayed for dinner and then she'd fallen asleep on the drive home. She knew from their interactions that it had gone well, and her father had whispered to her, "He's a keeper," as they'd hugged goodbye. But she needed details.  
  
Pulling up her pajama top, she stroked her belly as her daughter began the daily aerobics session. "Your grandparents like him."  
  
"So, I have been granted the Cregg seal of approval?"  
  
She matched his grin as he crossed the room. "You're a little undersized, but not enough to throw back."  
  
"That's a relief." He sat down on the bed facing her and placed his hands on her stomach. "Does it hurt?"  
  
The wonder in his expression made her stomach tighten. After seeing what this meant to him, could she honestly still say she'd do the same thing again? "Not really. It feels like mutant butterflies wearing combat boots." She covered his hands with hers. "Though it's a pain when she starts on my bladder. It'll get worse. Abbey said it'll feel like she's trying to break out."  
  
"Don't beat up on your mom too much, Kidlet. She's a champion as--backside kicker and you don't want to get on her list. Believe me, I've been there." He looked up with a smirk. "Though it did have its pluses."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
Danny shifted closer. "Like you paid attention to me."  
  
She'd always found it hard to resist the combination of boyish charm and devilish smile. "You're easy to please."   
  
"I'm very easy." His eyes fixed on her lips.  
  
Her body tingled with arousal. "I also like you hard."  
  
"That's pretty easy to arrange." His words fanned her face.  
  
"Show me."  
  
He moved her hand to his groin as their mouths met. She wrapped her other arm around his neck and he slipped his hands up under her top.  
  
Definitely easy--until a little one got tired of being ignored.  
  
CJ pulled back grimacing. "Shit, crap, damn! Move, quick." She waved at him to get out of the way.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She's squeezing my bladder," she hissed, as she scrambled off the bed with his help and sprinted, actually more waddled, towards the bathroom.  
  
Danny was stretched out on the bed, leaning against the headboard, when she returned.  
  
"Should we take a vow of celibacy until she goes to college?"  
  
She laughed. "Might have to."  
  
"Or would a bedtime story help?" He held up a picture book.  
  
Gasping, she reached out to touch the cover of 'Heidi'. "Danny," was all she managed before bursting into tears.  
  
He pulled her down onto the bed and into his arms, stroking her back until she calmed.  
  
"I'm sorry." She leaned back to look at him. "These hormones..."  
  
Cupping her face, he kissed her lightly on the lips. "I love you."  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
"Let's see if we can get our kidlet to sleep."  
  
CJ moved next to him on the bed, lying on her side with her head on his chest and his arm around her.  
  
She closed her eyes and drifted away on the stream of familiar words.  
  
-------   
  



	12. Chapter 12

TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (12/12)  
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell  
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au  
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)  
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.  
Full notes in Chapter 1.  
  
-------  
Confusion flooded her mind as she surfaced through the layers of sleep. Trapped, held against something hard...something snoring...  
  
She opened her eyes and breathed again. It had been too long since she'd woken in his arms. Supporting her weight on her elbow, she glanced at the clock on the bedside table. She'd been asleep for a couple of hours.  
  
A flood of warmth pooled between her thighs as she looked down at him. Now or maybe never.  
  
"Danny," she whispered.  
  
No response.  
  
Running her hand over his chest, she repeated a little louder, "Danny."  
  
"Hmmmm?" His eyes remained closed, but his arm tried to pull her back against his chest.  
  
"I've got a cramp. I need a massage."  
  
That got his attention, his eyes flying open. "Your leg?"  
  
"No." She picked up the hand that wasn't already touching her and placed it on her breast. "Here. And other places."  
  
Danny blinked and his lips contorted in confusion. "How do you get a cramp there?" His fingers rubbed her breast. "I need to read those books."  
  
"I didn't think I was that rusty." Frowning, CJ let go of his hand and flopped back down on the bed.  
  
"Oh." He rolled to face her. "Were you trying to seduce me, Miss Cregg?"  
  
She thumped him in the arm. "You're hilarious."  
  
"Amongst other things. I just wish I'd known how easy it is to put you to sleep. Would've come in handy when you were overly frisky. Ow," he complained, grabbing her wrist after she thumped him again. "You're not supposed to hit the father of your child."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." Leaning his head towards her, he whispered, "But you're supposed to kiss him."  
  
"I didn't know that."  
  
"Well, now you do." He released her wrist and started placing sloppy, noisy kisses on her face.  
  
She laughed and tried to push his head away, but he just pulled her closer. "Danny!"  
  
Between kisses, he whispered in an overly dramatic tone, punctuated by heavy breathing, "I love it when you call my name--you're so sexy on top--you make me so hard--give it to me, baby--"  
  
"You're so--" Her giggles made it difficult to speak, especially when he started on her neck. "Hot when you're like this."  
  
"I know--I'm a love machine."  
  
"You're nuts!"  
  
"You love my nuts." He blew a raspberry on her neck. "Don't you?"  
  
"Yes!" She was heading for full-blown hysterics.  
  
"The kidlet's asleep?" Another raspberry.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And she's not lying on your bladder?" Again.  
  
"Yes." She only just managed to get the word out.  
  
"You sure you don't want to visit the bathroom, just in case?"  
  
"Yes." She grabbed his hair and pulled before he could raspberry again. "But if I don't stop laughing, I will need to go."  
  
He brought his head back up level with hers and the way he looked at her--her laughter stalled. "What?"  
  
Barely touching her cheek with his fingers, he whispered, "God, I've missed you."  
  
He kissed her before the hormones could switch over to crying mode. Softly, only lips. His hand slipped under her shirt and caressed the side of her belly, as he whispered, "I want to see you."  
  
Battling to steady herself under the onslaught of arousal and emotion, CJ sat up and pulled the pajama top off over her head.  
  
"All of you. Stand up."  
  
She looked everywhere but at him. He'd seen her naked in the previous few days, but the idea of being studied made her more than a little uncomfortable. This wasn't the body he'd been attracted to.   
  
Danny knelt on the bed in front of her and pried her crossed arms away from her chest. She nibbled at her lip as her breathing became erratic.  
  
"Hey." He squeezed her hand and waited until their eyes met. "You are gorgeous. Just look down to know what you're doing to me."  
  
Much to her chagrin, she felt her face blush hot.  
  
Dropping her hand, he cupped her breasts and stimulated her nipples with his thumbs. She closed her eyes, whimpering as he left her right breast; sighing as his mouth took over. Any remnants of self-consciousness disappeared.  
  
Down her chest and stomach his hands stroked, lips and tongue following in their wake. She could barely stand by the time he slipped a hand between her thighs.  
  
"Danny," she gasped, clutching his shoulders as he pressed on her clit. "I want you now."  
  
Lowering her body onto him, she was finally sure of one thing. She was glad she told him.  
  
-------  
  
Danny looked up from his newspaper and smiled. "Good morning."  
  
"Would've been better if you'd still been in bed," she complained, her own smile betraying her annoyed tone.  
  
"I thought you could do with the extra sleep." He beckoned her over to where he sat at the dining table. "You were busy last night."  
  
"Is that what they're calling it these days?"  
  
His arm slid around her waist, pulling her close so he could kiss her belly. "How's your blood pressure?"  
  
"Fine." She rested her arm on his shoulders and leaned against him, as she scanned the headlines.  
  
"And you?"  
  
"A little sore." His body tensed and she looked down at him, finding a worried expression on his face. "The good type of sore."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Stroking her fingers over the lines on his forehead, she nodded. "Though maybe it was best you weren't in bed when I woke up. I'm horny, but my body's tired."  
  
"There are other ways, you know. Let me do the work."  
  
The tone of his voice and the want in his eyes stirred her hormones into a frenzy. "I need breakfast first."  
  
"Okay." Standing, he pulled her into a two-arm cuddle. "What time's your flight?"  
  
"Ten past three." A much missed drug teased her nostrils and tongue as she kissed him. Licking her lips and pulling away, she grabbed his coffee mug and headed for the kitchen.   
  
"Eggs?"  
  
She nodded as she refilled his mug and added cream. "Wait a minute."  
  
He accepted the proffered drink, stating, "I don't take cream."  
  
"I do. Drink it."  
  
"Why?" His face crinkled in confusion.  
  
She gestured with her hand. "Take a sip and I'll show you."  
  
"I've already had my two cups--"  
  
"Just do it."  
  
Obeying her orders, Danny drank several mouthfuls before giving the mug back to her. CJ placed it on the kitchen counter and clasped his head between her hands.  
  
Several drops had caught in the whiskers around his mouth and she lapped them up first. His lips curved into a grin as he realized what she was doing. With a glare, she warned him to follow her lead.  
  
She ran her tongue along his lips and back before pressing her lips against his. When he didn't react, she growled his name.  
  
He responded by caressing her butt and pulling her closer, only then opening his mouth.  
  
The combination of caffeine and Danny sent her reeling. He backed her up against the counter as the kissing continued. She'd forgotten how to breathe by the time he broke with her mouth and trailed kisses down her neck. Her hormones screamed for release.  
  
They must've been audible because Danny immediately slipped his hand between her thighs, pressing the seam of her jeans against her clit. She rocked her hips, increasing the friction, as his mouth paid homage to her breasts.  
  
She wanted to tangle her fingers in his curls, but the intensity of her arousal was making her head spin and she grabbed hold of the counter to steady herself. Wouldn't take much more...  
  
"That's damn good coffee," she gasped when she could speak again.   
  
A self-congratulatory grin highlighted his face. "You want some more?"  
  
A growl from her stomach reminded them of more immediate concerns.  
  
"Maybe later."  
  
He kissed her quickly and headed for the refrigerator. "Eggs coming up."  
  
-------   
  
Hell.  
  
She'd only been going to close her eyes for a few minutes, but nearly ninety had passed. They'd have to leave for the airport in under an hour.  
  
The silence in the apartment seeped into her brain as she dressed.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
A note lay on the dining table. 'Back soon.'  
  
"When's soon?" she grumbled, before heading back to the bedroom to pack.  
  
The front door slammed as she debated whether to take the Wizard of Oz dvd and doll with her.  
  
"CJ?"  
  
"Bedroom."  
  
He slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. Kissing her neck, he whispered, "Sleep well?"  
  
"You should've woken me earlier." She turned her head to receive a kiss on the lips.  
  
"Got plenty of time." Releasing her, he sat down on the bed next to her bag and pointed to the gifts she held. "They are yours."  
  
"I just thought..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't know." It was easier to just take them home.  
  
"So...are you going to tell them tomorrow?"  
  
"Who?" Where was her makeup bag? On the dresser.  
  
"The President, Leo."  
  
She shrugged as she looked over the room once more for her things. "I'm not telling them now." Satisfied everything was accounted for, she closed the bag.  
  
"Then when?"  
  
"I haven't figured that out yet."  
  
"Don't you think we'd better work out what we're doing?"  
  
CJ dropped her bag to the floor near the door and snorted in disbelief. "You want to do this now? In the next forty minutes?"  
  
"Can you push your flight back?"  
  
"No." She shook her head. "I have to go to work tomorrow and it's going to be late enough when I get home."  
  
Danny rose from the bed and started pacing, his hands joining in the conversation. "We need to talk sometime."  
  
"And we couldn't have done that this morning instead of--" She gestured to the bed.  
  
"Instead of fucking?" Danny snarled. "I didn't hear you complaining."  
  
Any attempt at controlling her temper evaporated. "Don't you dare put this on me. I've been trying to talk since that first night, but you kept shutting me out."  
  
"I wasn't ready," he yelled back.  
  
She took three steps forward and poked him in the chest with her index finger. "Well, that's your problem. We're not doing this now."  
  
With gritted teeth, he replied, "When then? Or should I get my lawyer to call your lawyer?"  
  
"That might be a better idea." Grabbing her cell phone from her handbag, she demanded, "What's the number for the cab company?"  
  
"You don't need a cab."   
  
She stepped back when he tried to seize it. "I'm not doing this at the airport. What's the number?" When he just stood still and glared, she started for the living room. "Fine. I'll find it myself."   
  
His last words followed her. "Go on, CJ. Run away. It's what you do best."  
  
-------  
  
For the umpteenth time since she'd arrived at the airport, she pulled out her cell and punched in his number. And for the umpteenth time cancelled the call before it connected.  
  
Staring out the window at the planes on the tarmac, she debated whether lawyers might be the best way to reach some kind of settlement. If they couldn't find a way before the baby was born, what were the chances of agreeing after?  
  
Not that they'd exactly tried. But what were the options? Their jobs were on opposite sides of the country. If he came back to DC, her career was as good as over. Was his any safer?  
  
How could she tell the people she loved that she'd lied to them? Could they forgive her?  
  
She should've stuck to her original decision. The passage of time had only compounded her sins.  
  
Lowering her head and blinking to clear her vision, she dropped the cell into her handbag. Do the minimum to keep Danny happy and quiet, and devise a plan to keep this part of her life a secret. Piece of cake.  
  
He sat down next to her. She didn't need to look to confirm.  
  
"You had lunch?"  
  
She nodded in reply, staring down at her hands twisting in her lap. An object appeared in her field of vision. "Thanks," she whispered, as she accepted the bottle of egg cream.  
  
For five minutes they sat silently side-by-side. Her mind constructed sentences before discarding them unspoken. Maybe if she knew what his opening negotiating position was--hell, she'd been in politics too long.  
  
"I'm sorry." His breath fanned her cheek.  
  
"No." She couldn't look at or touch him, not in public and not if she wanted to maintain some semblance of control. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I haven't given you enough time to get used to it. I just--I'm--"  
  
He completed her words. "I'm scared."  
  
"I feel like I'm sixteen." Her voice cracked a little as the back of his hand brushed her thigh. She leaned her leg into his touch. "Are you sure we're adults?"  
  
"Yeah, we're adults. We've got way too many competing responsibilities to be anything else." He paused and took a deep breath. "I want this so much, but I don't know how to make it work."  
  
"That makes two of us." Touching her fingertips to his, she let her mouth ignore her brain. "Come to DC on Saturday. I've got the doctor's appointment and you'll be able to see her on the scan."  
  
"I'd like that."  
  
The huskiness in his voice made her turn her head ever so slightly to see him swiping at his eyes. Her need to comfort him overrode the fear of discovery as she threaded her fingers between his.  
  
The next twenty minutes were punctuated with occasional snippets of conversation, but mostly they were content just to be close.  
  
"That's you," he commented after a boarding announcement sounded through the lounge.  
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Call me when you get home so I know you're both safe."  
  
"I will." She shook her head as Danny pulled her in for a cuddle. "Not here."  
  
"Shh. People will think it weird if we don't," he whispered in her ear.  
  
CJ glanced around at the people embracing and relaxed slightly, while still keeping a wary eye out for anyone paying them too much attention.  
  
He stroked the side of her belly and their daughter responded.  
  
"Did you have to wake her?" The plane trip was going to be uncomfortable enough without being kicked.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"True." Placing a kiss near her ear, he breathed, "I love you," and pulled back.  
  
Barely controlling her tears by biting her lip, she could only nod.  
  
"Here." He held out her handbag.  
  
Stepping closer than necessary to accept it, she kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking away.  
  
-------  
  
Fingering the locket that Danny had slipped into her handbag at the airport, CJ tried to concentrate on the pile of paperwork that had migrated to her office during her absence. But the low gurgling distracted her.  
  
She gave up the pretence and moved to her couch, sitting down next to the carrier. "Break time, Serena."  
  
The dark-haired baby kicked her legs in agreement and CJ grabbed a tiny foot. "Gotcha."  
  
"You were gone four days, right? Not four months?"  
  
She turned towards the door and patted her stomach. "It's a good fake."  
  
Toby walked around the front of the couch and studied the baby. "Doesn't look a thing like you."  
  
"Actually." CJ looked back and forth between them. "She's got your coloring. Something you haven't told me?"  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"Heard that one before. Serena, meet Toby. Toby, Serena."  
  
He shook her hand when she grabbed hold of his finger. "Nice to meet you, Serena. Can I interest you in joining the Democratic party?"  
  
"I think her Auntie Carol will organize that." The baby's lower lip started to tremble. "Please wait till your mom gets back, Sweet Girl."  
  
Toby pulled the visitor's chair over to the couch. "How was your break?"  
  
"Good." CJ rocked the baby carrier in an attempt to forestall the eruption.   
  
"Your dad?"  
  
She shrugged. "I'm just hoping there'll be enough left of him when she's born. I wish they were closer, especially now."  
  
"Have you considered taking a leave of absence and spending the time with them?"  
  
Serena's howl waylaid her reply, though she had no idea what it would be. "Come here, Sweetheart." The baby nuzzled her breast as she settled against CJ. "Sorry, the milk run hasn't started yet."  
  
Reaching into the carrier, Toby pulled out a pacifier. "Try this."  
  
As Serena became more unsettled, CJ paced the office, rocking and bouncing her. "Please stop."  
  
"Want me to find Carol?"  
  
"No. She took her sister down to the mess for coffee."  
  
"You need some help?"   
  
"I have to learn to deal with this sometime." She didn't voice the small, scared 'Don't I?' as she shifted Serena to the opposite arm.  
  
The phone ringing raised the cries to a whole new level. CJ waved at Toby to answer it and tried to quiet the baby so he could hear the call.   
  
"Your four o'clock's been moved to eleven tomorrow," he informed her as he noted the details on a post-it. "They wanted to know whether you were torturing a reporter."  
  
"I'd rather the gaggle were torturing me." She rubbed Serena's back and started humming a lullaby. The baby considered it a challenge to her vocal supremacy.   
  
Toby glanced at his watch. "I've got a meeting with the Democratic leadership. Do you have the position paper on the Energy Bill?"  
  
"I have no idea. Check the unread pile." She pointed to the relevant stack on her desk before returning to the pacing. "I don't know what you want." CJ's emotions spiraled with Serena's wails.   
  
Half a dozen more howls and Serena flopped her head down onto CJ's shoulder, exhausted whimpers shaking her tiny body. A hand on CJ's back and she couldn't contain her own tears any longer. "I can't do this, Danny."  
  
"CJ?"  
  
Puzzled at his tone, she turned while wiping her eyes. The expression on Toby's face was one of concern, or maybe confusion, she had no idea which. "Isn't it on the desk?"  
  
He held the file up. "Yeah. Got it. I have to--I'm late--"  
  
"Go."  
  
Placing his hand over hers on Serena's back, Toby regarded her solemnly. "Think about the leave of absence. You going to be okay?"  
  
She looked down at the baby and then back up at him. "I don't know."  
  
-------   
  
Feeling a little drained after the doctor's, she'd left Danny in the living room with the ultrasound pictures and her pregnancy diary, and retreated to her bedroom for a nap.  
  
A tinkling tune greeted her on waking. She found him in the nursery holding a music box.  
  
"My grandfather gave it to me when I was born. Mom held on to it."  
  
"It's beautiful." Danny wound it again before setting it down on the dresser. With a bow, he held out his hand. "May I have this dance?"  
  
As they waltzed slowly around the room, she allowed herself to relax in the comfort and security of his arms.  
  
"I can't believe how much she's grown in three months," he whispered against her cheek.  
  
"I can. My stomach was flat at the first scan." She tried to nestle closer. "Now it's keeping us apart."  
  
"Doesn't have to." Releasing and spinning her one-eighty, he pulled her back against his body, his hands settling over her belly. "See. We still fit."  
  
CJ tilted her head as he started nibbling her neck. "Don't think your arms are going to be long enough in another three months."  
  
"She was so life-like at eleven weeks."  
  
"I wish I had a picture of her after the CVS." She smiled in memory. "She had her little fist up like she was going to punch the doctor."  
  
"Definitely your daughter."  
  
Slapping his arm and laughing, she leaned her head back on his shoulder so she could view his face. "Did you see that thing she was doing with her forehead?"   
  
"What, this?" Danny raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Awwww." CJ traced the resulting lines. "She's going to have her daddy's wrinkles."  
  
He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. "I've missed seeing you smile."  
  
CJ blushed and changed the subject, pointing towards the dresser. "Did you see the Notre Dame sleepers over there? Guess who those are from."  
  
Danny chuckled and began swaying with her in time to the music again. "For such a tiny girl, she's sure got a lot of things."  
  
CJ agreed with a laugh. "Her wardrobe's bigger than mine."  
  
"I didn't think that was possible."  
  
She could picture the impish grin from the tone of his voice. "I've had to curtail Josh. He was giving me something almost every day. He's cut down to once a week or so."  
  
"What's the bet his place is doubling as a baby shop?"  
  
"Pretty low odds." She pointed to the large bear on the floor in front of them. "That's from him. She's not going near it until she's bigger than it."  
  
"And I'd guess the cap is from Toby."  
  
"You okay with the Yankees?"  
  
"I'll live." He slowly turned them. "Those giraffes look familiar."  
  
The music stopped and they stood still and silent, surrounded by baby things. CJ shifted her head to rest against his, and their fingers interlaced over their daughter.  
  
"Thank you," she whispered, hoping he wouldn't ask for clarification. It was gratitude for everything and nothing in particular.  
  
-------  
  
Drawing her knees up as far as her stomach would allow, she rested her head back against the wood frame of her bedroom window sill and stared out at the lights of DC.   
  
It had been a good day. The expression on his face during the scan; their dance in the nursery; making love as the light from the setting sun streaked gold and red and purple across their skin. The night had been relaxed: eating their favorite take-out on the couch followed by another trip to Oz. She'd soaked in a bubble bath while he sat on a towel on the bathroom floor, just chatting as he stroked her stomach. And laughter when he found her duck and complained how even the simplest toys had become high tech. He recovered quickly from his embarrassment and put D.D. to work.   
  
And in fourteen hours he'd be gone.  
  
The last five days had been more difficult and lonely than the past four months. But there still weren't any answers.  
  
"CJ? Is something wrong?"  
  
She turned her head as Danny approached out of the shadows. "Couldn't sleep."  
  
He brushed the back of his hand across her cheek before sitting on the sill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees.   
  
She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair.  
  
Sadness washed over his face, his voice echoing his pain as he whispered, "Deja vu." He pulled away and stared out the window.  
  
She made her decision in that moment.  
  
Lowering her feet to the floor, she stood and moved in front of him.   
  
"CJ?" He blinked up at her.  
  
She put her index finger on his lips. "Shhh. I need to tell you something." Untying the sash around her robe, she parted the material, exposing her bare skin. She grasped his hands and placed them on her belly.  
  
He caressed her skin and she felt the butterfly stirrings begin.  
  
"Danny." She stroked her hands over his face, needing to say it before the tears stole her voice. "We're pregnant."  
  
The End  



End file.
